Vladimir VII the Putin

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Vladimir the Putin
Czar of all the Russias, Grand Vizier of the Kremlin, Conqueror of Chechnya, Czar of South Ossetia Abkhazia Crimea and Donbass
Where is your Barack Obama now?
Reign 1999 -
Born 1952
The Lubyanka
Died -
Predecessor Boris Yeltsin
Successor To be appointed
Consort Dmitry Medvedev
Issue NATO, Georgia, Ukraine
Father Boris
Mother Natasha

“I looked into his eyes and I saw three letters... K... B... erm... C.. A...A twice, shame on you... uh... Q... can't fool me again!”

~ George Dubya Bush on Vladmir Putin

“But Georgia's always on his mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mind!”

~ The Beatles on Putin's policies

“My curtains are twice as iron as his ”

~ Putin on Stalin

Czar Vladimir Titicacapoopovich VII the Putin, Emperor of Russia (Russian: Владимир Владимирович Пуддинг, born on October 23, 1952, in KGB Headquarters, Siberia, Russia), also known as Emperor Pal-putin, Put-put, Pooty the Pooh and Vladimire Poutine (and sometimes Tatiana when he likes to dress up and go out to the clubs on weekends), is the czar of New Russia and claimed to be a direct descendant of Ras Putin. He is best known for taking his shirt off, shooting tigers whilst weak Western journalists wet their decadent trousers, looking moody whilst tanks roll past and kissing little boys on the stomach. In short, he is one scary-ass mofo.

He lives in a lovely dacha outside of Moscow. However, true to his modest roots, Putin prefers humble accommodations, sleeping in a simple pine box filled with graveyard soil and carrying women against their will, why not, they like it, it is nice! He is also a fan of multi-player Call of Duty 4 where his favourite weapon is "radioactive isotope".

Putin is also the illegitimate father of American child actor Macaulay Culkin. He initially denied paternity but eventually acknowledged fathering Culkin when their almost identical appearances became evident.

Early years[edit]

Vladimir Putin as a terrifying child

Putin was born in the Lubyanka in mysterious circumstances in 1952. Some have claimed that his father was the late Soviet dictator Josef Stalin, still others that he was cloned from Stalin's DNA and that the only reason Putin does not grow a moustache is that the truth would be revealed.

His childhood is largely shrouded in sinister mystery. All that we know is that he was a "quiet" boy, dedicated to his schoolwork. His boyhood hobbies are said to have included judo, ping-pong, stamp-collecting, studying rare radioactive elements, rocketry and killing chechens.

Putin the Man[edit]

On reaching manhood, Putin enrolled in the KGB's special School for Spies in Moscow, there he learned the art of assassination, subversion and installing puppet-leaders when it is politically expedient to do so whilst retaining a powerful official office to make sure they don't have any thoughts of independent action. Putin claimed to be devoted to Marxist-Leninist doctrine and the great proletariat revolution. Like everyone in the USSR at the time (with the exception of Boris Yeltsin who literally drank himself into capitalism), he was lying.

Rise to Power[edit]

Putin remained largely "behind the scenes" until New Years Eve in 1999 when Boris Yeltsin unexpectedly abdicated the Kremlin throne following an "accidental" blow to his head and appointed Putin Czar. In the subsequent years, Russia's economy has increased ten-fold, Russian tanks now actually start, the Russia fleet does something other than rust, foolish "opposition parties" have seen the error of their ways by force if necessary, busts of Stalin have become acceptable Russian furniture once again, trains now run on time and generally stay on their rails, and Gazprom, the FSB and United Russia have replaced all those traditional Soviet institutions the Russian people had missed so much in the unstable '90s when the country seemed dangerously close to political pluralism and liberal democracy. In each one of these cases, the main reason for the change is Putin's unsettling stare.

Here is an example of his legendary sense of humour: one day a renowned Lithuanian journalist (now dead, tragic accident, long story) asked him: "Mr. Putin, what actor do you think would likely portray you if a film were to be made of your life?" To which Putin replied: "Why, Robert Downey,Jr., of course." How they all laughed. At gunpoint.

Putin as President of Russia[edit]

Vladimir is varied in his moods
Proof of the horrors of Putin's regime. Presumably written by someone before death from balalaika wounds. Written in blood: "Putin eats children".

As we mentioned earlier if you were paying attention, Putin took over at the very arse-end of 1999 leaving Boris Yeltsin free to retire to spend more time with his vodka family. Putin did his best to shore-up his position by treating Russia's political elite with a sort of unsettling kindness, the sort that might leave someone imagining they'll received a bullet to the head the moment their back is turned. He even allowed the Good Old Gorby to retain his post as Pizza Hut's supreme cook.

On September 13, 2004, following the Beslan school musical, Putin put forth a system where governors would be appointed by him and approved by his bitches the state Duma instead of elected outright. When asked to explain, Putin said, "The regional governors now have direct control over territories. Fear will keep the local republics in line. Fear of this battlestation." Mr Putin dropped his trousers and underwear before uttering that last sentence.

In 2008, Putin officially handed-over the title of "President" to his "very loyal supporter" Dmitry Medvedev but continued to hold the Russian throne and the czardom which he exercises through the office of "Prime Minister".

Putin Abroad[edit]

Putin travels widely abroad in his American-made private jet promoting Russian power and frightening the heads of government of other nations with his unsettling gaze and bone-crunching handshakes. He has an especially close relationship with Prime Minister of Italy and fellow pretend-democrat Silvio Berlusconi. When Mr Berlusconi was attacked by a crazed fan wielding a cat in late 2009 Mr Putin sent an official message saying he had admired the "manly" way Berlusconi had handled the attack. In a private meeting between the two men several weeks later Mr Putin was said to have explained what he would have done to a Russian citizen who had assaulted him in such a way. Berlusconi is said to have taken "several hours" to stop shaking afterwards.

Putin in Popular Culture[edit]

Putin during his crossdressing phase, in order to spy on Europe

Reports of him being signed to appear in the "Gremlins" movies have been confirmed, where he had the supernatural talent of playing all of them. I agree with a face like that, that many experts suspected that children had nightmares for the rest of their lives; however, this was not scientifically confirmed until it was published in Scientific American in January 2007. Hollywood sources have also revealed that he was deceived by executive producer Steven Spielberg into appearing in the films, which he was told would be called "Kremlins."

It was partly this problem which led to him choosing to appear as Dobby the House Elf in the film, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets in an attempt to console the Russian public. However, Putin did not play the elf directly, cameoing only in dialogues. The rest was performed by his ex-double brother, Doboslavski, who was horribly mutated by the Chernobyl nuclear disaster and then arrested of practicing coprophagy.

Don't mess with Putin. Unless you're the mafia. Or a journalist. Or a journalist mafia. Or Medvedev. Or as queer as he is in this muscle vest.

Aside from judo with KGB trained bears armed with battle balalaikas, Voldemort Putin's favorite hobby is poking innocent Russian losers(the minority who don't like him)and liberals with sticks of hot iron in the bloody basements of Lubyanka. Of course, he answers "no no, I not do it please lawnmower cereal" when questioned about it.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Vladimir Putin.

Famous sayings[edit]

Putin has been noted for his clever way of wording things. Many in Russia often seek his counsel when it comes to life in general. Putin has since established his own brand of Philosophy, entitled "Putinism". His wisdom has proven to be powerful and true, often killing those who attempt to refute it. Below are some of his more noteworthy sayings.

“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what your country can do for me!”

~ Putin on patriotism

“Give a man some fish and you feed him for a day. Kick a man to death and you never have to feed him at all.”

~ Putin on poverty

“It put's the lotion on it's skin, or else it get's the hose again.”

~ Putin on meeting Cherie Blair

“I have decided that we should have a presidential election... Just in case Medvedev would be stupid enough not to win the czar elections in April 2008.”

~ Putin on resigning as president of Russia

“My proposed legislation was finally passed with a unanimous vote. Of course, it was quite loud in the Duma that day, what with my KGB agents severing the vocal chords of all who stood opposed. ”

~ Putin on his political success.

“My son wants to go on vacation to Georgia this year. If at least one tree falls there, you heads will fall even before it reaches the ground, understood?”

~ Putin instructing Russian soldiers to ignore Newton's Second Law of Motion, before the 2008 Russia-Ossetia war.

“I don't care if Ukraine is stealing our gas! I want to know how come France and Netherlands are still using their own?”

~ Putin instructing Russian gas saboteurs before the 2009 Russia-Ukraine gas conflict.

“So what? We have many other submarines. ”

~ Putin on the sinking of Submarine Kursk.

“What a tragedy. I will be more than happy to assist the Poles in governing Poland. ”

~ Putin on the decimation of the Polish government due to the 2010 plane crash near Katyn.

“Chechnya will soon be Chernobyl.”

~ Putin on the aftermath of the Beslan school crisis.

Putin and the Bolshevist Alternation[edit]

Westerners who are hip to how things really worked in the USSR keep careful watch on the succession of leaders. Many predicted the end of the "Bolshevist Alternation," the unbroken and inexplicable pattern in the amount of hair on Russian leaders. Namely: Lenin bald, Stalin hair, Krushchev bald, Brezhnev hair, Andropov bald, Chernenko hair, Gorbachev bald, Yeltsin hair. However the pattern has continued: Putin bald, and, currently, Medvedev hair. Medvedev is showing a bit of a receding hairline however so the jury is still out on whether the Bolsheviks are in fact still in power. Of course, anyone who really wants to know that, just has to ask a Bolshevik.

See also[edit]

External links[edit]