Pwn War

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The PWN WAR was the third war of the h4Xx0rz, Intellect, n00b, and 12-year-old war fought over the Internet, two months after the less awesome LOL WAR, which was also waged over the Internet.

The beginning[edit]

In the year 31337 the LOL_WAR ended and the n00bs and 12-year-olds, now named 12n00bs, got their computers haxxed in the LOL_WAR, by the h4Xx0rz, and because their parental controls now blocked the Outernet, could not use their computers at all where completely stranded in the dark realm we call Real Life, unable to return to the Internet. The Intellect and h4Xx0rz where safe, until three years later, when the 12n00bs eventually begged their moms so much for a new computer that they got so pissed they just bought one so they would shut up. The h4Xx0rz and Intellects immediately knew the n00bs were back when the website, which was previously completely vacant due to the 12n00b under population, had over 32,429,302,442,402,348,024,234,232,348,034,999,783,237,825,379,000 hits in one day, causing the server's bandwidth to be decimated and the server to shit itself to death trying to process everything.

That day an Intellect came running through IRC4 screaming “The nooblets are coming! The nooblets are coming!”, alerting the Intellect of the Return of the Noobs. The Intellects quickly notified the h4Xx0rz of this, via AIM. The H4Xx0rz and Intellect set up defenses as fast as possible, scrambling to arm every h4Xx0r and Intellect in their stronghold. The h4Xx0rz where this time armed with their long time favorite, the !ent_fire Bazooka, along with the Wallhax snipers, the SUXOR SMGs, The Legendary /noclip Rifles, and lastly the Ping Spam Ray, an amazing device which, given enough CPU power, would Ping the enemy so much that they would be forced to disconnect instantly or have their computer lagged to death. The Intellect, however, where armed with Disagree Gun, Common Sense Knives, Smartass Comebacks, and the most feared destructive weapon of all, Logistical Argument. The sky was soon swarming with LMAOplanes, and ROFLcopters, preparing for the gruesome battle. They waited for twenty minutes, until a group of 12 year olds accidentally stumbled across IRC4 while Google searching for hentai. The 12 year olds immediately alerted the rest of the army, and the Battle of Mt.WTF began.

|-|3`/ | $|*[email protected]|<@ 7|-|3 1337!

The Battle for Mt.WTF[edit]

The legendary battle of Mt.WTF, the mountain IRC4 was next to, and the h4Xx0r base was on top of, began when the 12 year olds accidentally found IRC4. They immediately called in for backup (via AIM), and thousands of 12n00bs came running to their location. The 12n00bs scaled the mountain with ROFLCopters, fiercely battling the h4xx0rz with such primitive weaponry as the URMOM pistols, Whine Carbines, and the "Emo Gun", a device which would cause opponents to become sad and slit their wrist, and convert enemies to the 12n00b cause, even convincing some to sign up on Emospace, the 12n00b headquarters. The 12N00bs also, without more advanced technology, began throwing Stupid Stones as a last resort. The 12n00bs started to overrun the h4Xx0r base, and chaos started. The last transmission from the h4Xx0r base was something along the lines of, “L0L |=4GZ!1`11 WER |)3D H34LP PL0X!!!11 WE L0S7 73][ \/\/4R3Z11!”, which would translate into, “We are in quite vast danger. We seem to have misplaced our illegal programs, would you please kindly assist us?”. The message was received at IRC4, shortly after IRC4 had realized they had borrowed the h4Xx0r’s maphacks earlier. After much debating, the Intellects agreed to send out their finest warrior, Ub3r1337d00d, to deliver the w4rez to the h4Xx0r base.

Ub3r1337d00d drove up the mountain onboard an AFK APC, getting shot constantly, and finally reached the top. Ub3r1337d00d got out and was immediately approached by a n00b, who asked him what he was doing here. He responded, “I have come to deliver an illegal program to this base”. The n00b immediately recognized him because of his proper grammar and spelling, and started shooting at him with a URMOM pistol. Ub3r1337d00d ran for cover, waited until the n00b had to reload, and jumped out and Disagreed with him. The n00b was injured, but quickly responded with a potent STFU JEW, however this was followed up by Ub3r1337d00d's response “At least I live in a place that doesn't have wheels!”, causing the n00b’s brain to asplode in anger. Ub3r1337d00d then ran toward the h4Xx0r base, defending himself from n00b attacks with witty dialouge, and pausing to duck behind trees and rocks to avoid the n00b insults. Ub3r1337d00d eventually got to the base, after fighting off armies of n00bs armed only with a pocket protector, a MIT scholarship and his instincts. He came to the door and was about to knock on it when 25 n00bs ambushed him. Two of them said his mom was obese enough to not be considered attractive, ten of them attacked with a quick U SUK, and the rest made blunt three letter comments about his sexual preferences. Being bombarded with flames, he managed to get up and fight them off with a “Start repeating “Would you like fries with that?” now because you’ll be saying it a lot later”, but the n00bs quickly answered with a “UR FUKIN GAY”, followed by a “KEEP HAVING SEX WIT UR DAD, HE MIGHT PAY U FOR IT SUM DAY”. Eventually, though cunning and subterfuge, The n00bs where defeated by Ub3r1337d00d and so he walked into the h4Xx0r base and gave the h4Xx0r k1ng his w4rez back.

Shortly after, the h4Xx0rz where successful, after map hacking all of the n00bs while they where trying to flee Mt.WTF. The h4Xx0rz where safe and Ub3r1337d00d was awarded a prestigious award the H4Xx0rs called a "Purpl <3" for his bravery.

Events after Mt.WTF[edit]

After the battle for Mt.WTF, the n00bs where severely outnumbered, because of the great loss at Mt.WTF. They started recruiting n00bs all over the Internet and even from the Outernet, posting links everywhere saying things like “lyk kl1k h3r 1f j00 704ll9 |<00l d00d``” which translates into “Please follow this Internet link to my web page, it is quite magnificent. If you choose not to, I respect your right to your own opinion.” The n00bs where gathering as many troops as they could, so they could storm IRC4 in one massive attack, which the n00b scientists, also known as “rly smart 1s”, call the “Z3RG RUSH LOLZ”.

The Pwn Virus[edit]

To counter this, the Inth4x alliance had a plan. If the h4Xx0rz could hack into Cartoon Network, and change the scheduling so that a Naruto marathon went on that day, all the n00bs and 12 year olds would be AFK all day. This would let the Intellects, who had weapons superior to the h4Xx0rz, could Insult the door to the n00b HQ open, leaving it vulnerable to attack. The h4Xx0rz would then break in and go to the n00b Prezdnt, and infect him with their greatest virus, the Pwn Virus. The Pwn Virus would completely PWN the infected person, every one of his family and friends, delete all the files on his hard drive, steal his credit card, and spam every computer in his IP address with goatse. They agreed to this plan, and began to construct the virus and the Super Insult. The h4Xx0r scientists where very busy at work programming the Pwn Virus, while the scientists at Intellects where equally busy combining the most harmful words in English language with the most psychologically damaging sentences to create the Massive Insult to ram the gates of the 12n00b HQ. They where almost done when the n00bs started attacking IRC4. The Intellects and h4Xx0rz built a temporary firewall, but it was made in a short period of time and only lasted for about 30 minutes until the n00bs broke the "wall" part of it, reducing it to just Fire. IRC4 was invaded by a massive flood of n00bs, all of which where on fire. They began to set buildings on fire in a suicide bomber fashion, destroying the Intellects and h4Xx0rz, until the h4Xx0rz finally finished hacking Cartoon Network. Suddenly every single n00b in the city went AFK to watch Naruto, and the Intellect scientists had all the time they needed to finish the insult.

The effects of the Pwn Virus

Eventually they finished; the Intellect delivered the insult to the gate while others covered their ears, and the gate broke down and started crying due to the phrase, and then the gate pulled out a knife and slit its wrists. The h4Xx0rs stormed the city and infected the n00b Prezdnt with the Pwn virus. The Pwn War was named after the Pwn Virus, because it was the single largest event happening in the war, and the downfall of the n00b empire for a third time. The Inth4x got the hell out of there before the n00bs got back. The n00b base later exploded in a massive virus equal to the strength of four atom bombs, destroying every n00b and 12-year-old computer that currently existed, and finally the Internet was safe once again.

A second celebration of victory[edit]

The war had ended, and the Inth4x were as happy as ever. They had a huge party in which they got drunk, had children, smoked crack, and ate lots and lots of delicious cake.

The Intellects and the h4Xx0rs where once again the kings of the internet, and it was safe for all the h4Xx0rs to wallhack as much as they want, and all the Intellects to have long philosophical conversations. It was the end of a great war.

The peace between the Intellects and the h4Xx0rz, and the few remaining n00bs who had escaped the mass pwnage, lasted for many years. The few remaining N00bs were educated by the Intellects while the h4Xx0rz developed new viruses, should the 12n00b Army ever return.

The series of documented battles between Intellect, Hax0rz, and n00bs ended at this point; the n00bs were not seen again after this event, as the Intellect member recently stopped updating his blog and we where unable to get more information on any battles after this one. It is believed that the Intellect member died in the Pwn War, and unfortunately without him we have no insight into the possibly upcoming war.

However as a precaution, a battalion of Intellects kept watch over both the internet and the outernet, even though there was a huge amount of gay porn there. Setting up fake Naruto lobbys and many online polls on Myspace and Emospace, with the purpose of monitoring the population for signs of a noob resurgence.


Pure win