Quack the Magic Goose
Quack the Magic Goose is both the name of a series of young children's books by A.A. Milne, C.S. Lewis, and possibly Oscar Wilde, and an assortment of other random British writers; as well the main character of said stories. There were 36 books in all, spanning the adventures of Quack, an enchanted goose that served as a mother figure to the other characters of the story--such as Homer the Homosexual Horse, Whimper-Bark the Bipolar Doggy, Moo the Transsexual Cow, and Porky the Promiscuous Possum--teaching them about the importance of love, and compassion, and tolerance, and dealed with such controversial subjects as religion, racism, mental disorders, and various taboo subjects. But more often than not, the books deviate from these themes, delving into the high-pace world of drugs, sex, gang warfare, and complicated terrorist plots as the characters fight to make it in a frantic city frought with danger, all the while struggling with their personal lives in a world that could never accept them.
The series was also adapted into a television show on Nickelodeon, The New Adventures of Quack the Magic Goose, as well as various, movies, soundtracks, and its own clothing line.
The various volumes of Quack the Magic Goose centered around the main character Quack and her posse of eccentric and outcast friends. The main theme song would usually be sung on the radio before readings from the actual books:
Not in the least obtuse,
But she's a really good friend
And if you just toss her some bread,
She'll grant you a wish or two!
This was often misleading, as Quack was in fact enchanted, but in truth, possessed no magical qualities beyond that of tedious household tasks such as the washing of dishes via telekinetic manipulation, and was actually unable to grant any wishes whatsoever, let alone one or--as boldly as the song dared to mention--two.
- Quack the Magic Goose- the main character, a 6' 4" bipedal goose with a supposedly thick British accent and a contemptuous yet humble swagger that just screamed, "Hey world, look at me! I'm better than you!" Like all Brits, she is very wise and often gave advice to her friends, though also like all British people, was prone to debilatating kidney stones and diabetes due to her spontanious and irreversable tea addiction.
- Homer the Homosexual Horse- A favorite among the kiddies for his ability to recite ancient Greek epics by heart, a rather large portion of the TV series that followed the books involved Homer re-telling the Illiad. Consquently, however, this left the television Homer Horse hoarse for many years (hoarse horse, get it?). The Homer of the books, however, was often too involved with his cottaging and NAMBLA fundraising that he barely had time for his other friends.
- Whimper-Bark the Bipolar Doggy (a.k.a. Whimpy)- Prozac, Whimpy is never far from danger, and has had to have his butt saved by Quack on more than one occasion.
- Moo the Transsexual Cow- A self-described character, Moo has undergone several sex-change operations to transform
himself herselfitself from a bull to what should be a cow; but unfortunately, there is still much to do in the way of a full transformation. Apparently, this all began with a routine castration procedure, where Moo's penis was cut by accident along with his balls. Reportedly, the penis flopped around for what may have been anywhere from ten seconds to five weeks after the initial mutilation.
- Porky the Promiscuous Possum-
Arguably the series' most provocative character, Porky was known for his rebellious ways, vehement racist andNeo Nazi political views, and his rather large number of STDs.
Minor and Recurring Characters
- Iggy the Islamic Iguana- First Appearance: Book #9, Something Middle-Eastern This Way Comes. Often known as "Teddy the Terrorist Tuatara", another accurate description of Muslims in general.
- Archie the Atheist Ant- First Appearance: Book #14, The Secular Squad! Also part of the Squad were: Aggy the Agnostic Aphid, and Nigel the Nihilistic Newt.
- Byron the Bisexual Bison- First Appearance: Book #3, LGBT, Schm-LGBT It is often rumored that he and Porky had an affair of in Book #30, but this is usually dismissed by fans, claiming that despite Porky's promiscuity, he is not gay. Naturally, such allegations sparked outrage all across the Gay-Bi-Transsexual-Dike community