Quaint English accent

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The Quaint English accent is a commonly used term, referring to the accent of English characters in episodes of Friends or in Hollywood movies that still don't sound like they come from anywhere near Britain Real English accents, like those from West Yorkshire, can't honestly be called "quaint". Many people who are English employ the use of this accent to attract unwitting members of the opposite sex, and more often, to confuse Americans. And, as many people know, confusing Americans is very enjoyable. Contrary to popular belief, neither Liz Windsor nor Albert Einstein was the inventor of this accent. In fact, four score, and seven years ago, the English accent was invented by Swiss architect, Mao Tse-Tung, in an attempt to communicate with his dog. Unfortunately, the dog was unable to understand what Mao was saying, but the English people did, and thus took up the "Quaint English Accent." It is the official accent of the religion Pieism.

Of all accents with the word "quaint" in front of them (see "Quaint Finnish Accent" or "Quaint Inuit Accent"), the "Quaint English Accent" is the most harmful. Overuse of this addictive substance can lead to erosion of the esophagus, holes in your stomach lining, explosive diarrhea, vomiting, pregnancy, inexplicable tingling of the toes and legs, and in rare cases death. Do not speak with a "Quaint English Accent" if you are taking medication for heart disease or liver disease. Talk to your doctor to see if the "Quaint English Accent" is right for you. If you experience an erection lasting for more than four hours after using a "Quaint English Accent" seek "professional" help (from a girl on the corner) or immediately start speaking with a "Non-Quaint Mid-Western-American Accent."

The only known native speaker of Quaint English Accent is Boris Johnson.

Current Status[edit]

Unfortunately, at this current time or future time, Chico times and Fast times at Ridgemont High, this way of speaking has become somewhat extinct, after having been replaced for the more universal, Chav speak, Leet speak and Text speak.

In a census taken this year, polls show that most Britianians believe that the quainter way of speech was nothing more than urban myth. It also showed that most believed that the greatest british invention of the past 20 centuries was the addition of those small sausages in tins of beans.

Sample Phrases[edit]

  • Comrade Wilkins, a grand bloat to the base of Barrings, digressing but av'lent dear and potted!
    Wilkins really needs to get laid.
  • I say, capital knockers, what what?
    That woman's mammaries are eminently desirable.
  • Blimey, corking nosh, hey?
    This food is divine.
  • Watch it, Scuggins, the beaks are coming!
    Be careful, Scuggins, the teachers are about to happen upon our harmless mischief! Etonian dialect only.
  • Oh, splendid idea, a skinny dip in the lake!
    Good idea, let's do something that were it done by the lower classes would be condemned, but since it's us we won't get in trouble. Note that 'Oh' should be pronounced with four syllables.
  • Simply spiffing, dear chap. I rather fear Oscar Wilde is a bit of a goer!
    That's great, my friend. I believe Oscar Wilde enjoys a good shag!
  • I do say, this Lobster is rather rummy, don't you think, my old spice Jeeves?
  • This Lobster is good, don't you think so Jeeves?