“I was right about one thing, Obi Wan..The Italian Siths are no holes barred”
“Who the fuck is Qui-Gon?”
“Die, Qui-Gon will”
“Quite possibly the worst Jedi I have ever heard of...”
“But you have heard of me...”
“Wait, why am I in this movie now?”
Qui-Gon Jinn, 1487-1999, was a prolific heavy weight boxer and Jedi Knight. Jinn was most famous for training Obi-Wan Kenobi and also for defeating Samus in the widely televised UFC championship in 1763. He was sadly killed in 1999 while facing Darth Mario in combat.
Qui-Gon Jinn was born to parents Shaft and Mariah Carey in 1487 on the planet Dantooine. His force powers were first noticed by a traveling Jedi and asshole Master Dooku. Dooku was impressed with Jinn’s space mullet and took him in to train him a Jedi.
Jedi Training/Boxing Career
Qui-Gon spent much of his early years of Jedi training standing around uselessly holding light sabres and learning very little. However at the age of 12 his talent for boxing was recognised when he won the under thirteen temple boxing tournament. The Jedi, sensing a chance to raise revenue, began training Qui Gon-Jinn as a boxer. He won a major victory over Mason Dixon in 1523 via a knockout in the 7th round of the championship bout. This fight drew much needed attention to the Jedi order and boosted enrollment by thirty seven percent.
Due to his recent services to the order, the council made him an official Jedi Knight on December the 8th 1524. He gained much prestige around the known universe tackling such mighty threats to the greater good such as: Professor Subtle; Fascism; Donkey Kong; Communism; Coca Cola; massive swarms of Zombies and Hannibal. Perhaps his most famous battle took place in 1542 when he teamed up with the A-Team to take down L. Ron Hubbard. Unfortunately this brave action only slowed the rise of $cientology. Due to his heroic actions he was awarded the rank of master in 1567.
For a short period in his life, Jinn had a little known obsession with gambling. In the early stages of this habit he rigged everything from dice to Russian Roulette, often winning everything the deceased players owned, including their families. As he acquired great wealth, he worked his way up to betting other people's lives on races and duels. Whenever the Black Plague came around, he would take bets with other degenerates on who would die in a given day. He lived off the money he made during this time for the rest of his life. Most things he did were the result of someone betting against him. His greatest acquisition was winning a little boy for himself.
Years of having super cool adventures left Jinn feeling hollow and applied to take on a young male apprentice of his own. The council granted his wish and was given Bruce Wayne to mold into a model Jedi and crime fighter. The training was enriching for both parties however things couldn’t last. News reached Wayne and Jinn of Bruce’s parents being gunned down by a host of villains (Joker, The Riddler, You, Your Mum, Everybody if it’s relevant to the plot) and Wayne had to leave and become a gothic stereotype.
Some say Jinn Never recovered from the pain he felt at losing Wayne. This didn’t stop him from taking on a new apprentice in 1634, Rocky Balboa. Balboa and Jinn felt a repour and helped each other surpass their current levels of skill. Jinn and Balboa traveled the Universe battling evil where ever they found it and were responsible for liberating America from the tyranny of Unicron.
The Temple Massacre
The council were growing wary of Jinn and Balboa’s increasing power. Assuming that it was the dark side making them so powerful they sent a strike force of 68 Jedi to trap and kill the dynamic duo in an ancient temple on Korriban. The strike force succeeded in the trapping part of their mission. In relation to the killing part: there were only two survivors and they don’t like to talk about it much. This one sided battle became known as the Temple Massacre.
Life After Rocky
Fearing for their safety Jinn and Balboa agreed to end things and Balboa went to live on earth and pursue a career as a loan shark. Jinn went back to wandering the Galaxy fighting evil in the darkest corners of the universe. This consumed a good couple of centuries.
Kenobi and Death
In 1999 Jinn met Kenobi and agreed to train him on the condition that he never talked. The two had many adventures eventually leading to a confrontation with the notorious Darth Mario. Mario was able to best Jinn in boxing and stabbed him through the abdomen. However early in the battle Jinn had used a Pokemon move known as “Destiny Bond”, so as soon as Jinn died so did Mario. Kenobi took credit for this and was advanced to the rank of Knight.