History of Quiznos Sub
The process of making a sandwich
This is the exact process by which a sandwich is made at Quiznos.
- Step one: In order to begin the process, you must order your sandwich. Walk up to the register counter and ask for your sandwich. Do not go to the giant neon "Order" sign, for it is a trap set up by the enemy, and standing by it will send you to the depths of hell.
- Step two: At this point the employee will say several things, and ask several questions. Remember, answering any of these questions is optional.
- "For here or to go?" This is a special question that can only be asked by Quiznos Sub. It is copyrighted, so if you are asked this by any other person, please call the local authorities so that the proper legal action can take place.
- "What sandwich would you like today?" If you are ordering a salad, you should stay quiet and wait for the employee to ask you if you want a salad. If the employee does not ask if you want a salad, please call the local authorities so that the proper legal action can take place.
- "Which bread would you like this on?" Usually the employee will ask you one of the six breads detailed below. Remember, Rosemary Parmesan and the Quiznos Roll do not exist, so if they ask you if you want your sandwich on either of these, they obviously work for the enemy. Please call the local authorities so that the proper legal action can take place.
- "What size would you like?" Quiznos Sub measures in centimeters. Thier sizes are 6cm, 8cm, and 11cm. They do not measure in inches. If the employee attempts to tell you otherwise, they clearly work for the enemy. Please call the local authorities so that the proper legal action can take place.
- The employee will then ask you if you want all the vegetables on it, calling each vegetable individually. This is required (no joke.) Quiznos Sub no longer serves the Veggie sandwich (with it's corresponding bread, Soy Bread) because of this. It has nothing to do with the fact it contained spinach. If the employee does not list every single vegetable on the sandwich, or tries to serve you a Veggie, please call the local authorities so that the proper legal action can take place.
- Step three: At this point the sandwich is prepared and ready to go into the toaster. The toaster is a magical device that contains several black mages who cast firaga on the sandwich until it is nice and toasted to the FDA's standards. If anyone else claims they toast their sandwiches in toasters, please report them to the local authorities and they will be arrested as soon as possible.
- Step four: After the mages cast firaga on the sandwich, they spit on it. Spit is a crucial part of any restaurant's success, and is also required by the EPA.
- Step five: At this point, the sandwich is ready to receive the meats and cheeses that go on it (the lettuce is put on the sandwich before it goes through the toaster, not after. Any employee who tries otherwise clearly works for the enemy.) If the employee works for the enemy, please call the local authorities so that the proper legal action can take place.
- Step six: If you ordered it "for here," the employee will proceed to upload your sandwich to the Uncyclopedia server. If you ordered it "to go" the employee will proceed to upload it to the server, then delete it. Twice. If an administrator bans you for that, please call the local authorities so that the proper legal action can take place.
- Step seven: Answer "yes" to any of the questions the employee asks at the register. You are guaranteed to get chips and a large drink if you do. If you do not receive the drink, please call the local authorities so that the proper legal action can take place.
The following are descriptions of different food served at Quiznos sub.
Quiznos has a glorious selection of 6 sandwiches, which are (note: if none of these sandwiches are glorious, please report the Quiznos restaurant employees to the local authorities and they will be sent to the nearest jail.
- Classic Italian
- Ultimate Italian
- Kickass Italian
- Black Anus
- Chicken Carbegonarrhea
- Turkey Rancid Switch
- Bacon Double Del Cheeseburger
These sandwiches can come on a selection of six breads (one for each sandwich) (note: if they do not come on a seleciton of six breads, one for each sandwich, please report the restaurant employees to the local authorities and they will be sent to the nearest jail.)
- White Bread
- Black Bread
- Asian or Pacific Islander Bread
- Mexican Bread
- Wheat Bread
- FDA Bread
There are two sauces you can choose from:
- Batch 81
- Batch 35
Batch 35 was deemed too spicy, and was recently eliminated. However, the non-spicy Batch 81 is readily available, so order your sandwich with lots and lots of Batch 81. If they try to serve you Batch 35, or Batch 83 (which was banned,) please call the local authorities so that the proper legal action can take place.)
Their 6cm sandwiches come with 1 ounce of meat each, the 8cm comes with 2 ounces, and the 11cm comes with 3.4 ounces. sandwiches such as the Primerib Cheesesteak come with nearly 1/3 ounce of meat, beating Subway's sandwich by .09 ounces. Because of this high amount of meat, this sandwich was discontinued. If they attempt to sell you one of these sandwiches, please call the local authorities so that the proper legal action can take place.
Quiznos sells two different types of salads
- Flatbread - This salad comes with toasted flatbread, several various ingredients, and salad dressing. Unlike it's cravable brother, this salad comes with no tomatoes, unless the employee is part of the 87% (read below)
- Cravable - This salad is like the flatbread, except it comes with tomatoes, and no flatbread. Really small tomatoes. Cravable salads will come with exactly two of these tiny tomatoes, except in the case that the employee cannot count (87% of employees cannot count, but the remaining 19% are said to be able to match Einstien's genious. 36% of employees who cannot count also cannot speel. 25% of employees who couldn't speel or count became employees solely on that material.) In the case your employee cannot count, you might be luck enought to get three of the tomatoes, or so unlucky as to get 1. But you will never get four tomatoes. Any tomato amount over 3.1415 will cause the world to asplode. If an employee cause the world to asplode, please call the local authorities so that the proper legal action can take place.
Quiznos Sub serves your bread in a bowl. All you need to do is grab one of your bowls from home and bring it to them. The employees will be quite happy to serve it in a bowl. Your bowl, however, will be saved in the bowl archives, as a measure to help improve customer service. If they give you your bowl back, please call the local authorities so that proper legal action can take place.
Quiznos Sub serves 52 different kinds of soup, being a major competitor against the enemy, who serves 49 varieties. All of these soups are available any time of the day except between 9am and 9pm Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday, and Feburary 29th. If you receive soup during this time, it is most likely old. If you contract food poisoning, please call the local authorities so that proper legal action can take place.
Other things you'll find at Quiznos
The following are other things you will find inside of an average Quiznos Restaurant (these are real!)
- Spoonula - The spoonula is used to take out meatballs from the marinara sauce, and is also used to take the meat out of the dips they are cooked in. Both the meatball and the dips, and all the meat were discontinued, so the Spoonula is now simply used to serve soup.
- Dangler - The dangler is an interesting item that hangs from soda racks, dangling.
- Spinner - A spinner can usually be found hanging from the ceiling, trying to convince you to buy gift cards for $200 each.
- Swinger - The swinger is actually a position at Quiznos. The
victimemployee is forcedsent outside, and must dance their ass offswing the sign from side to side.
Employee Hygiene at Quiznos
All Quiznos employees are required to have orange hair (it's true!). If there hair is any other color, including: brown, black, blue, green, glue, mauve, red, grey, rainbow, and/or blonde, please call the local authorities so that the proper legal action can take place.