Qwerty Uiop

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Qwertram Uiop, born c. 1857 in Magyar Bokszevrogsz, Northern Hungary, is perhaps best known as the inventor of the modern keyboard layout. Look down in front of you. Unless you're rare or strange you probably have the layout in front of you, don't you?

Early Life[edit]

Uiop was born into a poor family in rural Northern Hungary. His father, Azertram Mapother Uiop IV was involved in the provincial Hungarian printing industry, performing freelance work for the Bokszevrogsz Gazseta, one of fourteen local newspapers, as well as being a staunch member of the local Stonemasons' lodge. His mother, Q, was a homemaker, semi-omnipotent being, and maker of fruit compotes.

Childhood was relatively idyllic for young Uiop, and largely uneventful. Average grades at the local school, then the local college, then an attendance at the local university which resulted in less than spectacular grades. Sound familar? He was a lot like you.

University Years[edit]

Longing to match his parents' skills he struggled through a protracted tenure at the Vrogzberg University and fought with the administration therein to align the subjects of printing and fruit compote making, something never attempted before or since. The reasons for this should be obvious.

Nevertheless, and though it took him nearly 10 years to reach his goal, he obtained his dual diploma in Printing Technology and Compotery in 1887. He was truly the world's first computer scientist.

Family Tragedy[edit]

Ignoring the implicit warning that he had barely managed to complete the aforementioned degree, he set himself the impossible task of completely combining the arts he had studied for so long.

This involved the creation of printing inks from the juices of the fruits of his mother's compote making. Sadly, having not comprehended the chemistry modules at university and using an inadequate sieve for the removal of strawberry pips, his father's printing press exploded ending his father's life. The moral of the story is, penguins attacked qwert uiop's mother, leaving her insane and agressive. Therefore she set the fire in her husbands type writing workshop and killed qwerty's father, leaving it to look like an accident. But in reality it was a bloody murder. If you haven't spotted it yet, is that a computer scientist is not always the best person to deal with a printer jam. After that day the penguins attacked regularly and even bit out Qwerty's left eye. This wasn't the end of the penguins. A week later he found a gun and decided that his life long dream was not to achieve his mother and father's goals but to rid the world of penguins. He went out looking for people to help him, but on his journey he came across a women which was half penguin, half human. He did not know what to do. He could kill it hoping that it was more penguin than human of he could leave it. So he decided to kill it. He was send to jail for 10 years being charged of murder. When he got out of jail he stop his penguin killing and started his life again. Other people in the 'kill all penguins gang' turned against him and brought him to the arctic to life with penguins for the rest of his life. When the gang got to his house they were all killed because another printing press exploded. This was not his fault a penguin got stuck in it.

Invention[edit]

Mentally scarred by the loss of his beloved father, and needing to support his god-like and often wrathful mother-loving mother, Uiop was forced to take on the same printing business he had destroyed along with his father.

Unable to face the complex and distressing task of rebuilding the printing press, he turned his hand to typewriter design. His mother being the fastest typist he ever saw, with ease she could theoretically keep up with her computer skills and at the same time meet the arduous printing schedule of the Gazseta. Typewriters of the time were unable to cope with rapid-fire typing and so the type heads frequently entangled. An overhaul was required.

During this time he had struck up a friendship and correspondence with a Pole by the name of Avkadieff Giedz and together they travelled to England with hopes of being able to raise the money and arrange the engineering for the creation of their respective typewriter designs.

Controversy[edit]

Arriving in England in December of 1889, Uiop and Giedz received news from Europe that Poland and Hungary had entered into a great war, known to scholars of the time as The Great S-SZ War. For a time, Germany attempted to mediate in the war, going so far as to invent the letter "ß" to placate both sides. This did not help either faction as the war was largely about pronunciation, not how things were written. The rejection of their new letter destabilised German politics and may well have led to the Zeroth World War.

Trapped in England and with their relationship strained by politics, Giedz and Uiop decided to part company and work in separate. In a coincidental attempt to appear more English, both anglicised their names, and immediately took inspiration from their names for the design of their typewriters.

Further coincidence came to light as both gents arrived on the same day at the Babbage Institute of Science, Cinematography and University of Impressive Technology to demonstrate their typewriter designs. These too turned out to be identical.

After much accusation and counter-accusation of plagiarism, the two agreed to duel the following day to settle the argument once and for all, with the winner's layout to be selected by the Institute as the new standard for typewriters.

No Duel[edit]

The duel however, was not to be. During the night before, Qwerty Uiop crept into the lodgings of Abcdef Ghij in an attempt to kill his former friend and colleague. Ghij was ready for him and shot him dead.

The Upshot[edit]

...and that, children, is why today all keyboards have ABCDEF GHIJ along the top row.

Wait. Oh arse. Can someone lend me a time machine? His half brother, Asdf Ghjkl is the inspiration for the second row. His younger quarter brother, Zxcv Bnm, was tragically killed during childbirth and is the inspiration for the first and last row of the keyboard.

...not again. I need that time machine again.