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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about R2D2.


"Holy crap, I'm pregnant!"
"R2-D2... I am your father!"

The origins of R2-D2 are not precisely known, but the accepted theory is that he is the bastard son of the Jetsons' household robot, Rosie, and the Archangel Megatron following a huge orgy[[.]] Megatron's paternity was confirmed on an episode of Maury when, he Starscream, and the autobots Bumblebee and Optimus Prime were tested. "Megatron, you ARE the father!"

Childhood photograph of R2-D2 before his trans-application surgery

Early Beginnings[edit]

In the beginning before he was actually created, he began as a usual ordinary entity before he constructed himself from pure awsomeness, Many believe (the truth) that R2D2 is actually Carmine this is prooven throughout the films. All of Star Wars' takes place around R2 and his "mission" which was actually just a practical joke played on himself by himself. At one point you notice R2 lifts his lid slightly at this point George Lucas, the only person to survive the ultimate superself destruction of awesomeness after losing an entire special effects teams, all his actors, and every single scrap of equipment and his studio to sudden superself destruction of awesomeness, then decided to make the special edition, which saves us from instant death to only shortening our life expectancy.

At the end of all the films, R2D2 the decides to take on a Human Form and calls himself Carmine, However, do not forget that Carmine already existed before this and shall exist hereafter causing the Paradox that only he can solve.


Though R2-D2 was born a coffee machine, he struggled with his application-orientation during his puberty. He finally underwent trans-application surgery on Nabits and served as a cyborg-portable wang wang to Queen AmiPREGNANT. This explains his height and the reason why he is packed with all sorts of tool-tipped appendages. Unfortunately he would get all chirpy and stuff and totally ruin the moment. He was banned from the planet and put on the first flight out. He spent a few years roaming the galaxy until he met a gay droid named C-3PO. C-3PO introduced R2-D2 to the pleasures of Uranus and they've been inseparable ever since. R2-D2 being the man of the house, he needed to get his ass a job and found himself drawn towards the porn industry of Hollywood. He accepted an offer from George Lucas to star in Star Wars IV as a futuristic coffee machine on the starship Millennium Falcon. His ability to sneak out on to the set when people weren't looking led to him being in almost every part of the movie and it's sequels and prequels.

Speech impediment[edit]

While in a battle with the Americans, R2-D2 was fighting alongside Hitler. Hitler was getting thirsty and tired. Hitler knew R2 had the coffee he wanted, So he betrayed R2 and punched him in the throat. R2 stayed at the rebel hospitol with critical conditions, to find he could no longer speak correctly, and therefore learned he could only comunicate by beeping and whistling. He there became very EXTREMELY friendly with C-3PO and Luke Skywalker, eventually cheating on his longtime boyfriend Phil Collins, leading to their publicly famous breakup in the year 1,234,867 B.C.

The Dark Years[edit]

It is well know that R2-D2 has had some bad times. He was sent to jail twice with sponge bob which is also known as hell. He was balied by his lovers C-3PO and Glenn Quagmire (giggity). He became a pimp. He then killed his two arch enemies, Bill Gates and George Duyba Bush, by raping them with a copy of Super Smash Bros.

Attack of the Clones


R2-D2 plays a cyborg-mask for Queen Amidala.
R2-D2 meets his gay life-partner C-3PO.
R2-D2 learns there's more to life then making coffee and satisfying intergalactic royaly.
R2-D2 goes on a walk-about on the planet Tatooine.
R2-D2 tries to stop Luke Skywalker from getting his hand cut off by his father Darth Feta.
R2-D2 discovers the secret to Life, the Universe and Everything but sadly forgets when he gets a high-voltage shock up his butt from some blast doors he has to open to help the rebels enter an imperial base.
  • Star Wars VII: "A New Hope For The Return of the Phantom Sith's Revenge After The Empire Strikes Back In The Attack Of The Clowns".
R2-D2 meets his father Megatron and comes to terms with his life before dying at the hands of Princess Leia.


R2D2 prototype, of which both Apple and Microsoft claim rights to.

R2-D2 dies a heroic death in battle together with Han Solo at the hands of Princess Leia in the movie Star Wars IX. Here's what happens:

Han: U R C-3PO.
R2: I M R2
Han: R2!
R2: Am not!
Han: R2!
R2: Am not!
Han: R2!
R2: Am not!
Han: R2!
R2: Am not!
Leia: Stop it U 2!
Bono: Who, me?
Han: R2!
R2: Am not!
Han: R2!
R2: Am not!
Han: R2!
R2: Am not!
Han: R2!
R2: Am not!
Leia: Don't make me reach back there!!
Han: R2!
R2: Am not!
Leia: That's it!!
(Lot's of cool lightsaber sounds, R2-D2 chirps and Han screams)
Luke: Hey! Nice going Leia... How am I going to get a cup of coffee now?

(Some believe this was not the end for R2-D2, see also The Grand Mysterious R2-D2 Recolor).

Fun facts about R2-D2[edit]

R2D2 mailbox.jpg
  • R2-D2 is actually a dalek experiment gone wrong
  • R2-D2's Speech teacher was actually Steven Hawkins
  • R2-D2's native language is BIOS POST Error codes.
  • R2-D2 is not related to Irish pop-band U2
  • R2-D2 enjoys random screaming.
  • R2-D2 runs on Macintosh.
  • R2-D2 was the stunt double for Johnny Five in the movie "Short Circuit".
  • R2-D2 == 0 for all R,D ∈ N ∧ ( R == D ∨ R == -D )
  • R2-D2 once had an affair with Al Sharpton and Speed Racer's car.
  • R2-D2 was once asked to play the role of Obi Wan in Episode I but refused after a fight with Darth Maul and had his Jedi powers removed in a horrible car crash.
  • RD-D2 IS FIRIN HIS LASER at all times
  • It has been suggested R2-D2 was modeled on a celebrity Perth midget Anthony Riordan. It is suggested that he shed the metal to become a tailor/law student.


Quotes taken from Star Wars I: "The Phantom Mentos":

  • "Beep, beep... beep?"
  • "Beep, BEEEEEEP!! beeeeeeeep..."

Quotes taken from Star Wars IV: "A New Pope":

  • "Beeeeeeeep, beep."
  • "BeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEP!!!"

Quotes taken from Star Wars V: "The Umpire Strikes Back":

  • "Sorry, Leia. You know I get all exited when you wear that bikini and those chains around your neck."

Quotes taken from Bill Cosby

  • "Someone who finally speaks my language... Bee-boop Beepity Boop, Beep Beep Bop Boop!"

In response, R2-D2 had the following to say " What the hell did he say?"

"This is an "A" and "B" conversation, so you can shut the fuck up."

See also[edit]