Racecar Bed Racing

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“In Soviet Russia,bed races you”

~ Russian reversal on bed racing
Stretchers were not allowed to race.

Early one Boston morn in December of 1867, a man by the name of Harry Foghorn Dynamite was asleep in his bed. Suddenly, through no fault of his own, the bed began to roll. It bumped into the wall, jarring Harry awake. Harry sat there in a daze, then an idea quickly came to him. Harry figured that if beds could roll, then certainly the public would pay good money to see a lot of beds, in one place, racing just like the horsies of that time did. Harry formed a bed racing league in February of 1868. The first event, the Bedwetter 500, kicked off on February 21st, coincidentally the same day that U.S. President Andrew Johnson wet his own bed after severely spraining his foot on the White House steps the day before. You see, upon waking up that morning, Johnson's foot was in such pain that he didn't wanna get up, so he decided his bed was absorbant enough. He peed 'til he could pee no more. It didn't work very well and Johnson spent most of the day doing laundry and loudly complaining about his sore foot. Back to the race, though. The turnout was a little more than Dynamite had expected. 127 people showed up, far more than the 120 or so people he was expecting. The crowd really got into it. But then the starting gun went off and what followed was an epic failure. Everyone left the stadium enraged. Harry Foghorn Dynamite was officially banished from Boston after that horrifying day, now known as Yellow Wednesday. He was last seen knitting behind a Denny's in Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

I'm ashamed to be a Harry, now.

What went wrong?[edit]

It turns out that, while beds do indeed roll, they don't roll very fast and they don't have steering wheels. So, one by one, the beds ran straight into the first wall... very slowly. The bed that hit the wall first was declared the winner... with a time of 23.06 seconds. The projected lap time for a full lap was approximately 2 minutes and 30 seconds. Had engines existed back then... nope... the event still would have sucked, plus there would have been major safety issues. No seat belts, as well as no doors or windows, would have equalled sure disaster and an urgent need for restrictor mattress tags. Also, without a proper steering mechanism, it is assumed that a full race would have been nothing more than 8 beds riding the wall all the way around the track, which would probably lead to mass suicides from insanity caused by the sheer annoyance of that constant scraping sound.

Present at the Bedwetter 500 was a young Henry Ford. Upon realizing that beds had the potential to transport people, he figured it could someday be possible for a specialized machine to roll around and transport people. It's kind of ironic that Henry saw such a great idea in such a bad one. Everytime you drive, you should think about how cars were made possible by the uneven foundation of Harry Foghorn Dynamite's bedroom. But I bet you don't even care!

Gentlemen... start your... beds.

Bed Racing Records[edit]

FASTEST LAP TIMES (Times are unofficial):
- 00:00:23:06
- 00:00:23:34
- 00:00:23:45
- 00:00:23:57
- 00:00:24:09
- 00:00:24:21
- 00:00:37:45

SLOWEST LAP TIMES (Times are unofficial):
- 00:00:37:45
- 00:00:24:21
- 00:00:24:09
- 00:00:23:57
- 00:00:23:45
- 00:00:23:34
- 00:00:23:06

HIGHEST SPEED ACHIEVED:
6 MPH, achieved by Bed #2

WINNINGEST DRIVER:
Egbert Bailey Willingham - 1 win

Note - Willingham admits he doesn't remember winning the race because he didn't even plan on entering. His wife dragged his bed to the track as he was sleeping. He slept through the whole fiasco. He now acknowledges his importance in history.

LOSINGEST DRIVER:
Jack D'Oeuf

Note - He was riding the bed that recorded the slowest lap time. It is still unclear as to what he was doing instead of focusing on the race.

Hey, son? Wanna be in the Great Depression 500?

Racecar Bed Racing Formed[edit]

Nearly 70 years after Yellow Wednesday, after cars had been a prominent fixture in the world, a new bed racing league was formed in Baltimore by a man named Ahmadallah Raja-Fallujah Smith. This time, racecar beds were used in place of conventional beds. Equipped with engines and steering wheels, everything was set. Redemption was close at hand. The first race, the Great Depression 400, kicked off On July 4th, 1935. Crowds gathered outside the arena to get a glimpse at history, because it's really all they had. Some of the people present had even witnessed the Bedwetter 500 as little kids and were now smelly old people. The crowd was restless. The beds took their marks. The starting gun went off... and not a single bed moved.

What went wrong THIS time?[edit]

As it turns out, those "wheels" on racecar beds are merely put there for decoration and aren't actual wheels. After top scientists of the time did extensive experiments, it was concluded that fake wheels do not roll, thus any machine propped up on said fake wheels will also not roll. The race was a disaster and Smith was banished from Baltimore. He was last seen in the mystery film "Murder at 7-11". It wasn't so much a film as it was a surveillance tape.

Racecar Bed Racing Records[edit]

Even Pope Pious XIII took part in the races.

FASTEST LAP TIME:
- 00:00:00:00:00:00:00:00:00

SLOWEST LAP TIME:
- 00:00:00:00:00:00:00:00:00

HIGHEST SPEED ACHIEVED:
0 MPH, achieved by Beds 1 through 8

WINNINGEST DRIVER:
Ural Winners - 1 win

Note - Controversy still looms over the winner of this event. When the announcer said over the loudspeaker "By default, the winner is.... Ural Winners!", Ural jumped up from his bed and shouted for joy. Only problem is that the other 7 participants jumped out of THEIR beds and celebrated. It's still unclear as to who was declared the winner. Did the guy say "Ural Winners" or did he say "You're all winners"? Unfortunately we'll never know.

LOSINGEST DRIVER:
The other 7 drivers, or no one. You make the call. I personally vote for secret choice C. I think we're all losers here!

My great-great-grandfather is cooler than yours.

Little Known Facts[edit]

  • The total revenue from concession stands at the Bedwetter 500 were $137.50
  • The total revenue from concession stands at the Great Depression 400 were $734.99. It just goes to show the effect of inflation (and a bigger crowd)
  • One of the beds at the Bedwetter 500 was disqualified for committing 2 false starts
  • The bed that was in Lane 5 at the Bedwetter 500 failed a drug test a week after the race. It was re-tested 2 days later and the sample came up clean
  • Ural Winners went on to host 2 wildly unpopular game shows in the 1950s. "Don't Cum In My Mouth" was cancelled after only half an episode and "Let's Eat Some Turkey And Screw" was cancelled after a surprising 9 month run.
  • Harry Foghorn Dynamite is Napoleon Dynamite's great-great-grandfather

Quotes[edit]

  • "It was a good idea. I just don't think I thought it through." ~~Harry Foghorn Dynamite's Epitaph
  • "My Harry was always trying to do different things in bed." ~~Harry's mistress, Annie.
  • "Who?!?!?!" ~~Harry's wife, Gertrude
  • "For a sport that's all about the crashes, that was a bitchin' race!" ~~Jim, at the Bedwetter 500
  • "Oh... I'm sorry, ma'am... we're all out of those" ~~Guy at concession stand during the race
  • "I think there was something in that turkey" ~~Game show contestant
  • "Harry would have LOVED this" ~~Henry Ford at the Great Depression 400
  • "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore" ~~Peter Finch as Howard Beale in the movie Network