Rachael Ray

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Template:Incoherent Template:Rewrite/Soft

Rachael Ray, selling her various cooking utensils.


~ Oscar Wilde on Rachael Ray

Rachael "Fatty" Ray Leonard Vitta Siadov Fryz (born August 25, 1968 in the back of a VW microbus) is a well known pastry huffer, astronaut, and whore. She is recognized the world over for her abundant booty and unrelenting brutality in bed. She is also a she-male, but amputated her man bits in an effort to lose a quick 5 lbs (Yea, she was packin').


Rachael Ray is a delicious whore. enough said

Fornicators, Hoes, and Men[edit]

Fornicators, Hoes, and Men magazine recently did an article on her amazing ass. In the article, it discusses men who are attracted to her boobs. These men who are attracted to her amazing rack are generally considered to be heterosexuals, although this may be part of her vast propaganda campaign to win over the religious right. She is also Yaay!Zeus! Christ Superstar.


Rachael is famous for her spit roast or rotisseries, also her wobbly H and finger-cuffs.

Rachael is also known for her skills with a shiv.


Let's not forget her long line of how-to cookbooks:

  • How to Serve Man (Foreword by Rod Serling and Jeff Dahmer)
  • How to make Semen Smoothies
  • How to Fillet a Panda (Coontz Publishing)
  • How to Make a Pot Roast Out of Maya Angelou's Corpse (Coontz Publishing)
  • How to Poison Your In-Laws With Great 30-Minute Meals (Coontz Publishing)
  • How to Tell Your Kids Their Fried Chicken Ate Their Goldfish (Coontz Publishing)
  • How to Convince Barbara Walters That She is a Lesbo (Coontz Publishing)
  • How to Make Racist Cuss Words on Your Food And Discreetly Serve it to Foreigners (Coontz Publishing)
  • How to Turn Terry Schiavo into A Pool of Vegetable Soup (Coontz Publishing)
  • Flambe sauces from the Richard PRyor cookbook.
  • How to Smile Until Your Lips Bleed (Coontz Publishing)
  • How to make Two Girls One Cup Smoothies

Battle with Aquaman[edit]

In 2002, Rachael Ray fought Aquaman to the death, though not much is known about the battle. What is known is that nobody has seen or heard from Aquaman since. It is rumored that she used the Unstoppable Sword of Omega Death Turbo, and that she used his blood on an episode of 30 Minute Meals.

Update: She strangled Aquaman with her training bra.

Domination of Mars[edit]

In late December 1985, Rachael Ray stole the NASA space shuttle Challenger and went on a solo mission to Mars. Upon arrival, she encountered the last of a humanoid race living on the desolate planet, dying of starvation. The people of Mars turned to Rachael for help, and was the last mistake ever made by the sorry bunch. She slaughtered every last one of them and ate their feces. When she returned to Earth, she planted 27 pounds of Semtex in random places all over Challenger, causing its explosion in early 1986. Rachael Ray is fighting a legal battle with the world's top astronomers on renaming Mars "New Stankia," Stankia being the name of her juice box.

In the future[edit]

In the year 2012 Rachael cured cancer by making a wonderful whiskey cake (it's great for brunch!) in less than 18.3 seconds.

In 3049, Rachael battled the cryogenically frozen Jake Gyllenhaal to see who would become Björk's new bottom in "Brokeback Mountain 37, Rise of the Fags". She will also in the year 4555 will also learn to cook healthy food. Unfortunately- this will also be the apocalapse! So go and enjoy your life until this year, not like you will actually live that long.

Other information[edit]

A total drunk and somewhat cheap (see $40 a day), she's interested in sex, more sex, Halo 2, skydiving, spoon licking and cracking open walnuts using only her head and Your Mom.

According to Wikipedia, "Rachael Ray does crack." When presented with this information, Ray was heard to say "That SKANK ASS HO Wikipedia can suck my FUCKING DICK!" However, she was high on crack at the time, so God only knows how of that can be trusted.

She isn't even a bitch, but rednecks still love and worship her, anyway.

Rachael Ray's toes add tangy flavor to any dessert.

She has employed her own personal stalker to peep down her shirt through the window over her sink when she's washing her hands. He has been known to randomly shout "Rachael Ray is hot! Let's lick Rachael Ray's feet!" She usually then obliges him by sucking on her own toes and moaning "Yum-O!"

After finding out that her husband liked feet, she chopped off her right foot during her show. She then prepared a special meal consisting of her toes as an appetizer, her sole as the main course, and her heel as dessert. The audience loved it so much that the next week she prepared stew in a cauldron, stripped down to her underwear, and climbed in. The "Rachael Ray Stew" was the last meal she ever made.

She also requested hot, passionate lesbian sex with resident fatty, Ina Garten who also has an abusively promoted show on Food Network. Ina turned her when she found out Rachael sticks prime rib in her pussy. Ina was disgusted, and said prime rib is more suited for rectal intercourse.

Rachael creates most of her dishes in the name of Cthulhu in order to bring about the Apocalypse so that she can finally get rid of her Mexican love children that she had after having sex with the Taco Bell Dog.


Perfect display of manboobs minus training bra.

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

Sacred Chao.png
This article is true
All things are true, even false things. Therefore, this article is factually correct and, as such, entirely unsuitable for Uncyclopedia. Therefore, until further notice, this page is to be continuously rewritten.

Hotness.JPG This is a vanity page.
This page is a shameless example of egotism and is completely worthless.

The author is pretty darn hot, though. You have to admit that.