Randy Hardy

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Randy Hardy's Randy Hardy is clearly visible.

'Randall 'Randy Hardy' Barton' (born on April 1, 1980) is a WWE scrapper. The man-mountain has allegedly 'reawakened' the Legends of The Undertaker, Triple H, Dusty Rhodes, Ric Flair, Batista, Mr. Kennedy and Chris Jericho.

Personal life[edit]

Twin, Lachey

Orton is the son of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dinah Lohan. Although he was brought up by The Hoff. In 2007, he married Jessica Simpson during her MTV reality show 'Find me another Nick'. Simpson gushed "I'm a superstar that's found my superstud." Perhaps unsurprising, the Oprah show recently televised DNA results showing that Randy is Nick Lachey's twin brother.

Turning Cena's head into another inked bicep

Orton makes his career by punting people in the head,getting hit in the groin, and RKOing people's wives. He also likes to punt whole family members and relatives. He once challenged Chuck Norris to a punt off, but then punted him in the head before the challenge could under go.

Orton sells it better than the rest..

List of Punted People:

How does the plump biz man beat up the hardy wrestler week after week??
I'll make you smile!
SMILE (like you don't mean it)

Vanity feud with Chris Jericho[edit]


'Jericho': [To Randy Orton, in reference to what he is saving us from] Well your boring personality for one. You want me to continue? How about saving us from that face that looks like you got flattened by a frying pan. Or your monotonous, robotic, Randy Orton voice. Or how 'bout I save us from your child-bearing hips, your super cuts hairstyle, your subscription to Blue Ball magazine? But most importantly, Randy Orton, I'm here to save us, from you. Because the first chance I get I'm gonna take that WWE Championship from you, and I'm gonna put it 'round this gorgeous waist, and when I do, Monday Night RAW, the WWE, sports entertainment, entertainment entertainment, the state of Florida, the country of the United States, the Western Hemisphere, the planet Earth, the heavens above, the galaxies, the crab nebula, the Universe its self... will never, never, never, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever, be the same, again.

A week later-


And at first I thought 'I haven't heard from this man all week, I haven't gotten an answer, yes or no', at first I thought it was because it was a spineless, cowardly, jellyfish, but then I realized that he's just... too stupid to understand the question. He has the IQ of a kumquat, and I think I used too big words, I spoke too quickly, Randy got lost in the shuffle! So I'm going to ask the question slowly, I'm going to ask it with very short words, in a way that even Randy can understand - I'm gonna Ortonize it okay? Me, want, title, match! Very simple! Me want, title match! Randy can even understand that, if you don't, I even brought visual aids, just for you, Mr. O. [Camera shows Titantron] Me, [Shows picture of Jericho on the Titantron] Want, [Shows picture of Cookie Monster (Orton)] Title, [Shows picture of WWE Title] Match! [Shows picture of a lit match] Say it with me now! Me, want, title, match!

Legends reawakened[edit]

Cactus showing off Randy's Hardy for all to see.

In 2003, he reawakened the legend of Cactus Jack. An overweight, out-of-work and grizzled middle-ager was put in the ring with a young and toned Orton. Jack defied odds, by attacking Orton's face with bob wire, attacked the Randy Hardy with it, throwing Orton off a stage, jumping off the stage and landing on Orton. Then he proceeded to throwing Orton into a bed of thumb-tacks, ouch! A few gallons of blood lighter, Orton won!

Bitch Please...

A year later, another has-been was able to reawaken his career. Ric Flair, approaching his pension faced a 24-year old Orton. Surprisingly the grandaddy of wrestling repeatedly grazed Orton's face across a cheese grater like cage and then proceeded to stomp on it. And lets not forget the killer low-blow and all within 5 minutes. To cut a story short, Flair pierced Orton with some heavy metal and another low-blow. Orton triumphed but Flair got to postpone by the nursing home by an entire decade.

Hardy in the infamous "More Cowbell" match.The WWE was never to see a match so brutal again.
Randy is exhausted after a long day of stripping his way to the title.

In common with over-the-hill competitors. Orton also reawakened Dusty Rhodes at the The Great American Ho-down. Taking the WWE to a new melodrama soap opera high, Rhodes dragged Orton around the ring by the never-seen-a-gym Dusty.

On numerous occassions, Orton has also reawakened Triple H. In an extravaganza of 1990s comebacks, the two have faced each other on every surface. Orton split from Evolution when it was discovered that he had booked a nursing home for Triple in a take-over operation. Things went awry when Flair realised his own wring days were numbered and so informed the Three H's.

McMahon ass whooping[edit]

You got a purdy mouth.
The near-pensioner and the 20-somethin' stud-cake.

Despite being a burly man-mountain (of fake tan and muscle) of a professional wrestler, WWE scripters decided it would be really very realistic to see Orton get beat up by civilian wrestlers Shane McMahon and old man Vince. No one really saw the difference in ability with the rounded Shane a boardroom man ten years Orton's senior. Plus, people really did not see the 34 year age gap between Orton and Vince.

At No Way In, Shane hit Orton a few hundred times with kendo sticks and steel chairs before turning him into a bloody mess by hitting him square in the head with a TV monitor. Then the storyline got really really realistic when Orton's wrestler friends had to save him from a civilian that was about to annihilate the 6ft 4in 245-pounder.


Raw was even more real, Orton was knocked around silly by Shane, then got slammed with a water bottle and was later pummeled twice in the head by the iron ring bell.

On Raw, Vince knocked Orton silly around the ring before pummeling him into the side of the ring and bouncing his head of the announcers table a few times.

Unlike most women, sister Stephanie did not get giddy and blush when a trunks-only Orton entered her backstage room and attempted to make friends. Instead Steph Steph planted a bitch slap on Orton's chiselled face.

Most recently, Shane, the plump, rosy-cheeked business man has been beating the snot out of Orton every week since April 09. Playing smack on Orton's abs with kendo stix (again), leaving his limp body on announce tables (again) and a tossing him outta the ring.

In August 2009, Stephanie used an AK 47 to shove the nose of the gun up Orton's ass, blowing it off with one shot. She also used a revolver to blow his nuts out so that she can see him die a slow bleeding death. She left Orton's dead corpse in the ring to rot afterwards, or so she seems. then Orton raped Stephanie in her nice ass which was "best for business"

Ric Flair kicks ass (Orton's)[edit]

Ric Flair attempting to castrate Orton
Bitch please.. not again

Not to be outdone by other seniors, and in consistent 'moob-addled men beating the snot out of a lean young Orton' storylines, Ric Flair joined in. Flair Pulled orton's Undies down and Spanked him

To quote, the Bleacher report; I don’t know what’s worse for WWE champion Randy Orton, getting beaten up by a 39-year-old executive in a baggy shirt, sweat pants and sneakers (Shane), or getting beaten up by a 60-year-old man in a polo shirt, slacks and dress shoes.I just shook my head as I watched Flair, who is really looking his age, beat the snot out of Orton, a 29-year-old world champion in peak physical condition, in a brawl that started in the parking area backstage and continued on the arena floor. The worst part for Randy is that unlike that guy that never existed Ric Flair got owned by his wife

Endorsements and other work[edit]

Burger King[edit]

X-tra large during the Rated-RKO era

During his short stint as a slightly fatty boom boom, he fronted campaigns for Burger King. This led to the exclusive release of the Orton quarter pounder. Later grease-tastic designs included the Orton fatty boom boom deluxe and the XXX Large Orton size burger. This larger phase was later explained as an evil plot by his partner The Edge. The Edge had conspired with Orton's wicked sibling, Lindsay Lohan to give Orton fat bars (disguised as healthy protein snacks a la Mean Girls). This plan proved to work as Orton never suspected a thing, this also took him out of the title picture and put him into the hotel trashing business due to his dissatisfaction with the lack of Burger King at room service.

It was rumored that Dairy Queen offered Orton a long term deal to pitch their campaigns. Orton, being a fucked up fairy that he is, declined saying that Dairy Queen serves only to "Dykes, Kyke's, Skanks, and Dickheads who ever want to get themselves so fatass ugly from their shit."



After getting hit in the head with a television monitor, Orton became the face of all television in the whole world. TV pundits decided that he deserved the honor as Shane McMahon had forced him to wear a TV on his bleeding temple.


Randy Orton's Randy Hardy, The Groin of Speedo

Since 2004, Orton has been the Groin of Speedo worldwide. Orton's contract (free trunks for life) has been threatened by repeat sabotage attempts by other wrestlers to pull down Orton's speedos, resulting in inadequate advertising, thus taking the lucrative contract for themselves and Dolph Ziggler. These reasons above, as well as some reasons below the belt nullified the effects of Speedo's "Iron Crotch" technology. In an interesting turn of events, the endorsement deal was then given to Colt Cabana and El Generico. In an interesting note,Randy Orton has not removed his trunks since 2003,and instead of changing them,he rather paints over them and staples a new logo to his buttcheek.

CM Punk's attempt to get the Speedo contract
The most successful attempt by Shawn Michaels, who forgot that he wears trousers, not trunks.

In January 2009, Randy Orton was rushed to a nearby Hospital after suffering lacerations to his buttcheeks and his dick & balls. One of his speedos he was wearing froze right up on his ass and when he went to take it off, he screamed bloody murder like a bitch! He was unable to fight in the ring due to his manhood being reduced to a size he can no longer bear to show.

Interview in Mexico[edit]

Orton and the WWE went to Mexico a few days ago. Since Orton is the WWE Champion, he got interviewed by a hispanic/latino faggot. Despite being only 5'3",the interwiewer called Orton "fragile,decrepite,and a total hunk". Orton got pissed off, releasing the voices in his head and punted everyone on the set,Including his mother who had baked "special brownies".Upon punting his own mother,Orton said "Sorry Mom,next time shave your beard".

Gay Relationships[edit]

Although it has never been confirmed that he is a homosexual, he has said he is bisexual in an interview for Good Housekeeping. He has dated many men over the past five years,though too many to count.Perhaps he is best known for dating The Ultimate Warrior whom would get off when helping to firm Warrior Warrior's legendary left buttock. He and Warrior Warrior have now split, after Orton punted all of Warrior's family for thinking he was gay. He also previously dated CM Pimp now turned his attention toTed DiBiase;Jr, Cody Rhodes, and Mr.X. Although recently,he has been seen around American Idol LOSER Adam Lambert.but recently he has found a new gay love mr.kennedy. He was also reported to have dated all members of Evolution, although it must also be stated that he quit Evolution because all 3 other members tried to ass fuck him at the same time resulting in a rectum diameter of 6 inches.

In Wrestling[edit]

  • Nicknames
    • "RKO"
    • "Legend Owner"
    • "That dude"
    • "The Awesome of Speedo"
    • "Trunk Muncher"
    • "FAGGOT"
    • "The best fucking wrestler in existence"
    • "G.I. O'face"
    • "The Viper"
    • "Ass Wiper"
    • "WWE's Apex Homosexual
    • "Sexy Orton"
    • "Cowboy Bob's Spawn"
    • "The sexyest fucking wrestler in existence"
    • "The man with the raging ring boner"

  • Randy Orton's Complete Moveset*
    • "RKO"
    • "RKO off the top turnbuckle"
    • "RKO from the floor"
    • "RKO from the ceiling"
    • "RKO in his sleep"
    • "Stomping"
    • "More stomping"
    • "Even more stomping"
    • "Spitting"
    • "Failing to sell a move because he's a bit angry"
    • "Chinlock of DOOM"
    • "That backbreaker he does which is actually quite awesome"
    • "Again, more stomping"
    • "Dropkick"
    • "European Uppercut"
    • "PUNT"
    • "Missing the PUNT"
    • "Jobbing"
    • "Stripping"

Sexually frustrated
  • Randy Orton's Pastimes
    • Passing the Doobie on the left hand side
    • Trashing Hotel Rooms
    • Kicking people in the head
    • Making faces
    • Working out his child-bearing hips
    • Beating Jeff Hardy in a game of Roshambo
    • Getting Crew Cuts
    • Placing his Johnson on Superman's shoulder
    • Taking Turds in people's luggage
    • Breaking his Collarbone
    • Lying about re-breaking his Collarbone
    • Interrupting tense moments with his news service, RNN
    • Hearing voices in his head
    • [[Lifting weights and doing steroids with The Ultimate Warrior]]
    • Getting pissed off at mexican reporters.
    • Calling the crowds "Fuck-Ups of the world"
    • High Fiving People From the Crowd Before Destroying Someone Even though he Calls them Fuck Ups
    • Shouting Ho Ho Ho At Someone's Face
    • Getting Injured 2 Times December 2011 and February 2012
    • Selling Moves Good