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A Rapier is one of the many weapons to be found in Syd Meier's Ass Pirates! Like all other objects in the game, it is a historically accurate depiction of a weapon commonly used by homosexual swashbucklers with distinct pedophile tendencies. The rapier does exactly what the name implies. It is a weapon used to rape ones opponent in the ear. Originally modeled after male genitalia, the rapier can be identified by it's distinct phallic shape.


The proper use of a rapier, as described in the Official Guide to Kinky Sexual Weapons, can be broken down into three steps:

Step 1- Locate the ear of opponent

Step 2- Align the rapier such that the tip of the blade and the end of the handle would both be points H and Q upon an imaginary line extending tangentially from the opponents ear

Step 3- Rape the son of a bitch through the ear, causing a sense of deep personal violation and therefore scarring the victim for life. After such a ravenging, the victim will most likely a'splode.

When performing these three steps, keep in mind that there is one solid and impenetrable defense against a rapier. This is known as "consent." At no point must the wielder of a rapier allow for the opponent to give consent. If it is given, the three steps no longer constitute as "rape" and therefore will not be effective in the slightest. The best way to avoid consent from being given is to use the rapier against under aged opponents.


Early Man[edit]

In the early 1960s primitive, human like creatures walked the Earth. In many ways, these ancestors of modern homosapiens were much like modern man. They knew very well the joys of both senseless fighting and unconsensual sex. They wished to combine the two but had neither the time nor the technology to do so.


The combination of rape and battle was finally perfected by a marauding band of Minnesota Vikings. It was in a form of combat known as Rayp'eer. In the ancient Norse dialect of the great lake states, this translated to "The act of sticking ones willy in any cavity of ones opponent." This is where we get the modern English terms of "rape" and "ear." The ear became the most common target during Rayp'eer battles because it was the one weak point in Viking armor. It was such because heavy metals around the ear interfered with early forms of earbuds.


Eventually, all divisions of seafaring scoundrels were practicing the art of Rayp'eer. The pirates were the first to desire to use an object other than ones own phallus. Ergo, they invented a large, member shaped weapon to use in it's place. This giant deadly ear-dildo was named the "rapier" after the fighting style for which it was intended. Since its invention, the design of the rapier has gone through relatively no change.

Things to Keep in Mind[edit]

Always remember that rapiers are not the only objects that go into people's ears. It is very common for objects to enter into this wondrous body cavity. Things beside rapiers that enter into ears are: