Raptors

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Raptors.

A Raptor is a big dinosaur considered by many humans to be a superior life form. Lately, many scientists have been doing much scientific research, and have gone sleepless nights in attempts to discover the cause and lifespan of a Raptor. Over the many years of research that has been done, the following facts have been confirmed as correct by the government:

  • Raptors exist.
  • Raptors breathe air.
  • Raptors exist.
  • The purpose of raptors is to kill.
  • Raptors can steal your thoughts.
  • Raptors run at 80m/s and they do not know fear.
  • Raptors can download at 56kbps.
  • Raptors exist.
  • Raptors are the only life form to have defeated Chuck Norris in hand-to-razor sharp talon combat.
  • Raptors are not related to birds.
  • Raptors are the only life form that likes rap.
  • Raptors exist.
  • Raptors are uppity about "they" as a third-person singular gender-free pronoun.

In a recent Gallup poll, 90.2% of humans "can't stop thinking about raptors". These dinosaurs are confirmed by scientists to be "totally sweet." Just like Tom Felton.

Facts[edit]

A raptor appearing as Jesus in a movie


  • Raptors are indeed penis. The idea that they are actually omnipotent forms of modern printers is a common misconception.
  • Raptors are classified as Raptorus Awesomenessus, meaning "Robot Eating Reptile" In Latin.
  • Raptors fight robots on a daily basis. It is part of their exclusive food chain. Raptors are at the top and Robots at the bottom.
  • Raptors often use disguises, such as penguin men.
  • The purpose of the raptor is to flip out and eat robots. This has been proven by scientific research, tests, and drunk scientists guessing their purpose.
  • Recent Studies show that the Raptor's 'Awesomeness factor' (determined by multiplying their coolness factor by how many robots they devour daily)is 147% higher than most humans.
  • Studies show that they are very intelligent. The average Raptor's IQ is shown to be over 90% higher than most cows, frogs, sheep, frogs, George W. Bushes, frogs, and over 60% higher than most gorillas and the letter Q.
  • Raptors can, and will, pick your locks.
  • Raptors are immune to fire.
  • RAPTORS ARE INTO OLDER WOMEN.

Information about Raptors[edit]

There is a King Raptor named the almight DeanZor. He rules over east albury with an iron claw. His Son SeanZor and Daughter BethZor both fight for the crown....

Raptors are proven to be able to eat any and all robot that comes within 90 yards of them. Raptors bite off robot heads daily in a ritual that requires large amounts of salt and trombones. These animals are so crazy that is best to avoid them, unless you are looking for them, in which case you would be better off not avoiding them.

Raptors can commonly be found in their natural environment at the local bar. They are usually sitting near the window or in the middle of the room. If you order them a beer, they may be nice to you, or they may bite your head off. Scientists are not sure what to do. Sometimes when you buy them a cold one it incurs their wrath, but many raptors have claimed they bite peoples heads off, "Because they can."

According to the aforementioned Gallup poll, 122% of humans consider Raptors to be Superior life forms, but this is debated by many science club nerds across the country.

Raptors, despite their misleading name, do not actually use proxies and P2P networks to illegally download rap music. Careful observation by scientists has show most raptors instead prefer trading polka tapes. A raptor will eat the head of anyone listening to country in less than 2.5 nanoseconds, mostly just because it can.

Raptors love eating homosexuals sitting on the beach with a towel over their tiny dick

Raptors are not emo they only cut for fun.

Raptors are the only things ever to whoop Chuck Norris's ass.

Raptors can run faster than Chuck Norris.

Raptors are afraid of Jews.

The only way to kill a raptor is with two shotguns, as one will only have your head bit off

Scientists used to think that the universal speed limit was that of light, now after studying raptors more closely scientists now realize the universal speed limit is the speed of raptor (300,000,000 meters/second)

Surviving a Raptor Attack[edit]

Unquestioned proof of the inevitable raptor apocalypse.

You can run, but really you're only delaying the inevitable. According to reliable sources[1], a good technique is to close doors behind you, as raptors are slowed by them. As is made evident by xkcd, a good understanding of mathematics can be crucial in gaining a few extra seconds of life before the fearless raptor devours you. The only man ever to survive a raptor attack was a man named Paul Greback-Clarke who made a narrow escape into a helicopter just as the raptor came in for the kill. If you ever come across a raptor-sized cage and it's open, you'd best run like hell.

History[edit]

The oldest living instances of Raptors trace back to when they were the disciples of the Almighty Pizza Cutter in 749 AD. The Almighty Pizza Cutter used them to fight the robotic henchmen of the evil Spoon. However, when the Pizza Cutter refused to share his Divine Pizza with them, they rebelled and ate him.

Afterwards, the raptors, according to historic texts "totally served, suckerpunched, owned, and annihilated the remaining robots in control of the Darth Vader."

The raptors then set up a society know today as "Rome". This civilization lasted for a very long time and colonized nearly the whole world before its downfall in 1453 AD. Their downfall is in theory due to many civil wars inside the country, but most historians agree that is was because Mr.T pitied them so hard that the economy fell - in a similar fashion to what he did to England.

After wards, the Raptors fled to Israel to escape religious prosecution from Robots that had been attempting to assassinate their various leaders since the beginning of their existence. The Robots were trying to push RoboChristianity on them (the belief of Robot Jesus) when they believe in Raptorism (the belief that Raptors would be accepted into heaven at the end of time.) ing time until a mass genocide began in 1938 known as the Holocaust (The Raptorcaust to them). They fled quickly and are believed to be the cause of the end of World War 2, after Nuking Germany so many times that their grandmothers felt it.

The Dust Bowl has been thought to have been caused by raptors, old texts say that "When several of these raptors gather they can suck the land dry" and this is what happened in the heart of America. After the raptors finished their drinks they all let loose a great sneeze which led to the great "Black Blizzards", to this day raptors still do not deny causing this occurrence; in fact, they seem right proud of the fact. The only event they are more proud of is the Raptor vs. Norris event of '85 in which the raptors won.

Ever since, the Raptors have been a global community sharing their religion and culture with others ( Namely, by biting peoples heads off). After aiding in the destruction of middle earth by joining the army of trolls, they became good friends with the trolls. They also are close acquaintances with the Ninjas, whom they have been allies with ever since the war against the Evil spoon. To this day, they still crusade against all robots, due to their hard history with them. They do this especially on Saturdays.

What do Raptors do in their spare time?[edit]

A group of raptors harmlessly gambling.

When raptors aren't being incredible reptilian creatures, they have been observed to be doing the following:

  • Smoking English pipes
  • Working in odd jobs under the name Mr. Pinkerton
  • Eating missionaries
  • Having "The Notebook" and "Harry Potter" movie mondays.
  • Listening to rap
  • They also fight Germans in their spare time because, they claim, "They stole our dewclaws for youth daggers!"

Although their main enemies are the robots, they also dislike Hyenas and T-Rexes. They are good friends with trolls, ninjas, and rappers. Raptors are also fans of Vanilla Ice and Robert Peck, although some also admire Steve Irwin.

The largest problems modern raptors face is being endangered, but some scientists say this is incorrect, while others claim foolishly that Raptors are extinct. This theory is commonly considered incorrect and idiotic though.

References[edit]

See Also[edit]