Raven (superhero)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“Hey, That bitch stole my name!”

~ Gothic Raven on That's So Raven


~ The Raven on what he quoth

“She's just mad 'cause Goth music sucks.”

~ Butthead on on Raven's personality


~ Raven on her Uncyclopedia article

“In Soviet Russia, ravens are fucking birds!”

~ Russian reversal on watever this shit is

“Can we go now?”

~ Raven on stumbling across Uncyclopedia by accident

“Oh shit! I've been jacking off to a girl!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Raven

“She looks like Micheal Jackson's love child”

~ Captian obvious on Raven
Don't ever go near her when she's like this, it usually means she is hungry for human flesh/bood. Or having her period, either way STAY AWAY!

Raven, (circa the Alpha -- the Omega) is known to her Emo disciples and beta male concubines as The Supreme One. She is the uber-goth girl who lets The Teen Titans hang out with her. She is so uber-goth that she is famous for roaming malls and locking up cookie-cutter unter-goths within the nearest Hot Topic before setting it ablaze. She is also feared because of her obsession with hunting down and decapitating “BB x RaeRae” fan fiction writers with their own keyboards. She had a falling out with her demon father, Trigun, also known as Vash the Stampede, many years ago. Rumor has it that they had a falling out because he suffers from penis envy whenever he is around her. She doesn't actually have a penis to make him envious, but she is epic enough to do whatever she puts her mind to. She has been accused of being a witch several times by the Puritans. They were able to defeat her with the combined force of all the magic (what hypocrites) belt buckles on their hats, forcing her to appear on a crappy cartoon, and rid her of all emotion except anger, which she takes out on all of her team mates (why is she a teen titan again?).

One of the rare occasions that she doesn't wear black. Guess what color she wears, White! Or The KKK Robe..

She enjoys killing people while doing a strip tease for them(especially to gay people!), raising Blackbirds, and drinking the blood. Some say she is a Vampire and her great uncle is Dracula--or just mad. The list of people she's killed (either for no reason, or she was hungry, or because she hates them/thinks they're gay, or because she was on her period (see picture) and they got in her way) is believed to include: Beast Boy (though brought back to life to have literral doggy sex), <insert your name here>, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Tucker Foley, Bush, Me, That's So Raven, and many emo kids.

She was dating Danny Phantom until his penis demartialized. She was unaware of his "platonic" love affair with Sam Manson because she's too busy sucking people's blood to care. But was cheating on him to becuase she has sex with the people she is about to kill (mostly beast boy), then bring them back to life to do it again.

Alike her archnemesis Starfire who she gets in girl-fights with (and has a secret crush on), she's also an alien but of the grey kind. She can anal probe Starfire if she wants.

Powers and Abilities[edit]

No panorama or vista, no matter how vibrant, can withstand Raven's ability to turn things black and white.

Her main power is using her intense psychic energy to turn things monochromatic.

She has gained the ability to fly after stomping Gravity in the nuts until it agreed to do her bidding.

Raven gained the ability to phase through floors and walls, as well as teleport, after she kidnapped the daughter of the Spacetime Continuum. He at first refused her demands, but caved in when he started to receive his daughter's fingers and ears in the mail.

She is known to use her astral projection technique to steal into the dreams of her beta male admirers. She then proceeds to fornicate with them. The semen she collects is used in an ointment that keeps her skin unnaturally pasty. When she is not careful, the ointment runs into her eyes, which is why they sometimes turn bright red.

She is also a well known necromancer. She once brought back Ingmar Bergman and Prince Hamlet from the dead. They then proceeded to have history's most depressingly erotic ménage à trois.


A facsimile of the brooch Lion-O gave to Raven.

She usually wears a black one piece swimsuit with long sleeves. Over this she wears a cloak with a hood. She fastens her cloak with a black and red jeweled brooch which Lion-O of the Thundercats gave to her in gratitude for eradicating all life within the Valley of the Snarfs. She likes the colors black and blue (so people feel sorry for her, duh). The only other colors she actually wears are white and pink.

Both her cloak and bathing suit are protected by a magic spell and can only be shredded by psychic attacks from undead pedophiles.

Raven dyes her hair. She colored her hair violet by mistake when she misread the color on the box of her hair dye as "violent."


"Let me tell you, nothing calms my troubled soul like that sweetheart Raven's comforting voice." - Dr. Girlfriend

She also has a lower voice than Ray Romano's brother. Her trademark raspy voice is caused by years of chain smoking and uncontrollable vodka abuse. Even though her highly distinctive husky voice makes her self-conscious, on the whole she likes her voice because without it she wouldn't be the most popular singer during Motorhead karaoke nights at the local bar.

Known Relatives[edit]

A portrait of Raven's lil bastards, Melvin, Timmy and Teether as they prepare to make their own dinner of Spaghetti-O's and canned corn once again.
  • Trigun (aka Vash the Stampede): Raven's (aforementioned) father.
  • Vulcan Raven: Raven's cryptic and visionary Inuit half-brother. Self-conscious because Raven saw him naked one time. Now uses a phalic A1 Abrams tank and a M61A1 20 mm. multi-turreted machine gun to over compensate for that terrible, humiliating day.
  • Raven-Symoné: Raven's unacknowledged black half-sister. Raven sold Raven-Symoné into a Disney-owned brothel where she is held in captivity to this day.
  • Melvin, Timmy and Teether: Raven's three illegitimate children conceived with Beast Boy, Cyborg, Robin, Slade, Monsieur Mallah, Stephanie from LazyTown, Seto Kaiba, Psycho Mantis, Gendo Ikari, Vash the Stampede, Voltaire Jericho (probably) during an all night bender.

    For Raven, nothing is more important than her children. After all, how else would she get her welfare checks? Raven tells her children that she loves them very much. In fact, she often compares just which child she loves the most to makes them fight for her affection. Of course, they shouldn't do this because Raven secretly hates them with a passion

    She was still high on Demerol after the delivery when she mistakenly named her only daughter Melvin, thinking she was a boy. When Raven realized that Melvin was, in fact, a girl, Raven refused to change her name, just to fuck with her.

    Also in an attempt to screw with the minds of her children, she named one of her sons Teether despite the fact that he will only go through his teething stage for a short time as a toddler and will have to carry the name into his adult life long after he has completed teething. This was done in an attempt to emotionally cripple and infantilize him for life.

    When Raven is not neglecting their upbringing, she focuses all of her attention on them, finding novel ways to ruin any chance they have of a happy childhood. She enjoys reminding her children that they were all mistakes. When they ask her to tell them a story, she creates scenarios of how her life would be better had they never been born. Also, she tells them that the only things they are good for are the welfare checks they bring in. When Timmy and she are alone in their apartment together, Raven will walk around without her top on. While Timmy may not understand the significance of this until he is older, Raven gets her jollies by knowing that the image of her without her top on is floating around in Timmy's mind waiting to go off like a time bomb.

    Instead of taking her children to Chuck E. Cheese, Raven takes them to its 3rd rate, health hazard ridden knockoff, Crust E. Crotch. She attempts to convince them that Crust E. Crotch is the better restaurant since it has real rats running around while you eat instead of people in costumes pretending to be rats like at Chuck E. Cheese.

    Raven also gets her jollies by abandoning them at the nearest monastery or fire station and watching them tearfully chase after her as she flies away, usually with a man she picked up at a gas station her arm. When she is in a particularly bad mood, she slows down until her children almost reach her but then she speeds up as fast as she can to leave them in the dust.

(And just because this is the most extensive section of the article doesn't mean the writer of this article has mommy issues; it just means he has an active imagination.)

Aspects of Her Personality[edit]

Prepare for trouble. And make it double.

Different incarnations of Raven live within her subconscious and each has its own domain. Sometimes they all get together to play Rock Band, set up games of dodgeball using Beast Boy's severed testicles as the balls, or put on productions of Pirandello's Six Characters in Search of an Author. But most of their time is taken up by tending to the meth lab they have set up within White Cloaked Raven's domain.
These aspects of Raven's personality include:

  • Pink Cloaked Raven -- Her porn star alter-ego, Raven Riley.
  • White Cloaked Raven -- Her white supremacist alter-ego, The Grand Wizard (the non-magical kind of wizard). Like all racists, she is the product of inbreeding. The offspring of Pink Cloaked Raven and Blood Red Cloaked Raven, White Cloaked Raven constantly complains about illegal aliens who can't speak good English, like Starfire.
  • Blue Cloaked Raven -- Her Blessed Raven of the Immaculate Conception alter-ego. Enjoys giving virgin births and being worshipped by Catholics.
  • Rainbow Cloaked Raven -- Her Pride alter-ego. It's not so much that this aspect of Raven's personality is a lesbian; rather, everyone else is lesbian for Raven.
  • Red Cross Cloaked Raven (white cloak with a Red Cross on the back) -- Her Florence Nightingale alter-ego. Maternal and sympathetic, the Red Cross Cloaked Raven is protective of her fellow Titans on the battlefield, and would willingly sacrifice herself for their good. While shy and reserved by nature, she does her best to relate to and build lasting friendships with the other Teen Titans. She also ensures that Melvin, Timmy and Teether feel secure and loved despite the fact that their mother is a superheroine who is forced to spend much of her time away from them for the sake of the world.
  • Blood Red Cloaked Raven -- Her anger alter-ego. Blood Red Cloaked Raven ate the Red Cross Cloaked Raven almost immediately after coming into existance. Often assumes the form of Raven's estranged demon father, Trigun. Raven meditates many hours a day attempting to subdue this particularly dangerous aspect of her personality. If she can one day truly get this part of her personality under control, then she plans on unleashing it on the unsuspecting world to devour every living soul in Jump City, starting with her fellow Teen Titans.

Super Special Awsome Trivia About Raven[edit]

Eugen Weber, the coolest guy on earth. Raven TiVos his show, The Western Tradition, so she can pass her A.P. European History exam in the spring.

Did you know that . . .

  • . . . Raven secretly watches you whenever you masturbate to Internet porn?
  • . . . Raven is a member of the Legion of Pale?
  • . . . Raven is the only Westerner to know the secret of how the Chinese can make their pork both sweet and sour?
  • . . . Chuck Norris thinks up "Super Special Awsome Trivia About Raven" facts in his spare time?
  • . . . Raven enjoys drinking the blood of babies, old French whores and sacrificed virgins, which she tells people is "herbal tea?"
  • . . . Raven sang the Pokémon theme song at her high school's talent competition, and won?
  • . . . because of her experiences as a teenage superheroine, Raven works with Unicef to halt the use of child soldiers?
  • . . . Raven is only happy when it rains?
  • . . . Raven personally butchers each and every turkey eaten on Thanksgiving Day, especially the one you eat?
  • . . . Raven turns into a teenage pop sensation by putting on a blonde wig?
  • . . . Raven bears incredible resentment towards that n00b God for His obvious Gary Stu self-insert into the universe?
  • . . . Raven's mind control abilities are so powerful that she got "Bandit" Keith to stop thinking about America for .0000327 seconds.
  • . . . the only reason Raven doesn't destroy the world is because she considers it passé?
  • . . . Raven TiVos Eugen Weber's The Western Tradition whenever it is on PBS?
  • . . . even as the 4th member of the Chipettes, Raven was able to keep her voice low and gravelly?
  • . . . Raven censors 4Kids?
  • . . . Raven's Power Level was only 900, but when nobody was looking she used a Sharpie to mark another zero on the lense of Vegeta's scouter, making her Power Level 9000.
  • . . . Raven has kidnapped both Mokuba Kaiba and Princess Peach on numerous occasions?
  • . . . God takes a strict agnostic's position as to the existence or non-existence of Raven because He has trouble conceiving of an entity as powerful and wicked cool as her?
  • . . . Raven enjoys blacking out the "AN" on all of the TEEN TITANS' letterhead and press releases?


LOL! Pwned by Raven!

Long ago, Raven confronted the Grim Reaper and demanded that he allow her to live forever. The Grim Reaper arranged a number of challenges to test her candidacy for immortality. First, she defeated him in a game of chess. Then, she almost lost to the Reaper in a game of Duel Monsters but with the help of her Millenium Puzzle and her faith in the Heart of the Cards she was able to summon Exodia, the Forbidden One, for the win. In her final challenge, she debated the Reaper on an Internet message board, and eventually she won the argument. But as everyone knows, to win a debate on an Internet message board is to be considered a real loser, so in actuality Raven lost this challenge. Even so, before she departed from the Reaper, Raven hacked into the Reaper's TomTom and set the language option to Russian. Now, whenever the Reaper tries to type in an address to get driving directions, the TomTom will only respond with nonsensical Russian Reversals like, "In Soviet Russia, the coordinates input you!" For now, Raven is safe from the Reaper.

There has been a prophecy that the Reaper will finally catch up to Raven. It has been foretold that one day, her three neglected bastards, Melvin, Timmy and Teether, along with assistance from the sorcerers at Child Services, will harrow the depths of Hell, find the Grim Reaper, and set him up with an OnStar. Raven is skeptical as to the veracity of this prophecy since she does not even know what happened to her kids after she convinced Starfire that it was an Earth custom to let illegal aliens take care of the children that parents would rather ignore. Raven has a hunch they are dead because Starfire mentioned something about the glorious Tamaranean feast of Glorpnor, roughly translated as "The Cannibalistic Consumption of Your Children Day." Besides, when was the last time one of these prophecy things came true for Raven?

This Uncyclopedia article receives Raven's special "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" award.