Ray Kroc

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Kroc making out with a co-worker.

"He sure was a Kroc of something."

~ Oscar Wilde on Ray Kroc

"A broken clock is right at-least twice a day, unless you stomp it into the ground."

~ Former heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson on Clock, not Kroc

"E-coli can sometimes contain Ray Kroc's hamburgers."

~ Any reasonable eater on Ray Kroc's hamburgers.

Ray Kroc (October 5, 1666 – January 14, 2004) acquired the failing McDonalds/Salmonella Lard-ass Corporation franchise chain in 1955, which he later transformed into a butchery by-product goldmine. Kroc had an idea to join forces with a hilariously failing rapper clown, Ronald McDonald, and created America's first solid-waste recycling center — McDonald's was born.

The chain-smoking entrepreneur built the one-location grease pit into the most successful grease pit operation in the world... in the world! Kroc was very successful and was also included in Playgirl's Top 100 Guys You Wish Would Stay Clothed, and amassed a $500 vazillion-dollar fortune during his lifetime. He also owned the uber-masculine San Diego Señoritas softball team — and a 1977 AMC Gremlin X nicknamed Jillian.

Early Life[edit]

Kroc was born (Ray Croach Kroc) to parents of Czech origin in Illinois in 1903 .During the First World War he trained to become an ambulance driver where he pioneered the art of backing over personal injury lawyers. Between the end of the war and the early 1950s he tried his hand at a number of trades including paper-cup salesman, pianist, jazz musician, pipe organ player and his favorite, cow masturbator. He eventually became a snake oil salesman, traveling across the country hunting snakes. This work introduced him to brothers Dick and Nick "Salmonella" McDonald, who had opened a small hamburger restaurant in 1940, in San Bernardino, California. Together with Kroc, the brothers sold innovative "potions" out of their hamburger restaurant. The Salmonella brothers began franchising in 1953.

Young Ray Kroc, moments after birth, already leading himself and the world into an unhealthy lifestyle.

While working at the Salmonella flagship store, Kroc met dominatrix girlfriend (and ruthless witch), Tarah Zimmerman. She introduced a naive Kroc to black magic, white magic, and the Orlando Magic basketball team. Side by side, Zimmerman and Kroc founded the Correllian Tradition of Wicca. It was during this time that Kroc also received his preacher's certificate in the mail and became Reverend Ray Kroc. From there forward, Kroc and Zimmerman's Temple-of-the-Damned routinely performed Wiccan weddings.

In 1954 Zimmerman was killed after the house of a Kansas woman fell on top of her. At the time Zimmerman, 20, was a midget preschool teacher, prompting officials to offer counseling to the grieving "munchkins" she taught. Following Zimmerman's untimely death, Kroc franchised the "Temples" and re-branded the chain as McWorship. Kroc later sold the franchise which became the world's leading chain of fast-prayer chapels, just above Prayer King.

With money earned from selling the McWorship stores, Kroc made the the Salmonella brothers an offer. When they refused, he added a naughty-little strip tease to the deal and the Salmonella brothers accepted. Kroc then acquired the failing Salmonella Lard-ass Corporation franchise chain in 1955 and began looking for a mascot. An avid fan of gangsta rap, Kroc dreamed of signing ex-rapper and distraught clown Ronald McDonald. So Kroc ruthlessly tailed the clown everywhere he went.

Kroc and McDonalds[edit]

Accident photo taken of Kroc's long-time girlfriend, Tarah Zimmerman.

Kroc appeared at the residence of washed-up grand master rapper, McDonald, just minutes after beating charges of stalking the infamous clown. Kroc later wrote in his memoir — Oh Shit, I've Opened Pandora's Box — "Ronald was a clown and nobody would've ever taken him seriously. I told him, join me. And he did... idiot."

With his token clown at hand, Kroc set off to build a legacy. Kroc and McDonald surpassed all sales records and later decided to add the number of hamburger-related heart attack deaths to their restaurant signage, touting billions and billions served — the food of death. The combination of gristled beef and burned-out rapper clown were unstoppable.

The McDonald's restaurants consisted of spacious sit-down dining areas, friendly service, and large feedlots playplaces for the formerly healthy little kiddies.

Kroc's body infused into wall of an Illinois fast food franchise.

Ronald McDonald, unfortunately, underwent dramatic changes a few years later, a disease presently known as Jackoitis, and became obsessed with what he saw as his fast food chain. He fired Kroc in 1999 telling the founder, "You're fired, and take your God damned good-for-nothing pineapple sandwiches with you." Kroc was devastated.

Kroc absconded to his home, a disgruntled rich-as-hell shut in, from 1999 to the time he croaked in 2004.

Kroc died of a hamburger-induced heart ailment (of course) at San Diego McMemorial Hospital in San Diego, California, on January 14, 2004. In his will, Kroc asked that his body be "infused" into a McDonald's restaurant being built in Waukegan, Illinois. After they deep-fried him, workers using a spatula and a fork to infuse Kroc's corpse to the restaurant's walls and then added a pinch of salt for flavor.