Real Madrid

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The Real Madrid Logo.

Real Madrid a.k.a. Real Mandril or Former Liverpool FC + Manchester United FC Retirement Center + Real Madrid players, now known as FC Hollywood, and not to be confused with Fake Madrid or Surgically Enhanced Madrid, is the richest but nonetheless the poopiest soccer club in history of mankind. These days they are crap and their players have gangbangs. Sworn enemies of F.C. Real Madrid, popularly also known as pathetico madrid F.C., Real is know for wasting millions of dollars on purchasing players based on their hair styles and obviously never succeed in anything, apart from warming up the bench, then the player magically start playing well when they leave the club eventually. As a result, Real Madrid has a loyal following among Barbers, and is often called "that barber club" with affection. Real Madrid is also know by its other names like Los Geriatricos, Los Wankas, Los Dickos, Los we-are-gaysos & Los Whateveros. But in Real Madrid is there also guys. The football team is the most guy fotball team ever. Neo-Nazis are amongst the best fans this team has.

The club has a permanent ban on taking part in the Unreal Tournament.

Real Madrid is currently engaged in a 100 year war against "FC Bangyourmomma", aka Uefalona or just FC Barcelona. Many lives were lost, many players were traded, many burgers eaten, many fans were angered, lot of money was spent and many Americans didn't care.

They are currently based in the backwater Scottish town of Livingston for tax reasons.

Real Madrid had also been suspected of working on rebuilding the Third Reich. The signing of Bernd Schuster has only fueled these speculations.


Real Madrid CF was established in the year BC 1786 by cave men living in the spanish hills. Cave inscriptions suggest that Madrid stands for "Mad" and "Rid", which means that these cave men were really fucked up in the head and were kicked out of their tribe in the plains. So they went up the Hills, and had nothing to do, so they started playing Soccer, to mark their protest at being ejected from the tribe, they named themselves Madrid CF.

Like it typically does, being a rebel became cool and 2475 Soccer in Europe started calling themselves Madrid CF. The guys up the hill got to know of this and got damn pissed. They listened to the song "Real Slim Shady" written by the legend Marshal Mathers who was the lead guitarist of the popular rock band "EHM and EHM" and decided to tell the world that they are the real stuff, everyone else was a fake. So on January 1, BC 1525 they renamed themselves as Real Madrid CF.

The Real Madrid team.

Real Madrid is the only team in history of mankind from Planet Earth to win the Galactic Champions League beating Zork F.C of Andromeda in the finals. In fact, according to most experts, this was the most amazing comeback ever. Zork F.C. were leading 20-0 by half-time because of their star player, Yoruk( same species as Frieza and King Cold of DBZ). But then by half-time, disaster struck! Yoruk turn north-east, which is impossible thus causing him to be eaten by himself. So by half-time, Yoruk was no more. He was replaced with Titus Bramble who used to be an Earthling himself.

With much ado, Real scored 30 goals in the second half with Raul scoring 29 and Ronaldo 1...because he sucks and he's also fat(also known as the Barrilete cosmico) scoring the rest. Sergio Ramos, an over rated player, was red-carded in the final second (as usual) to make the news sound good. Celebration erupted everywhere after Zork FC momentous win. Even in Amerika, there were sightings of people burning Real Madrid jerseys, although it is generally believed to be an urban legend as there are no such things as soccer fans in Amerika. F.C. Barcelona proposed a merge whereas Chelsea FC decide to exchange the whole Real Madrid team for chimps, as they would probably play better.

Alas tragedy struck. The plane carrying the Real Madrid players (who were all in celebration mood) crashed and all the bad players (ronaldo, zidane, beckham, cassano, robinho and ronaldo again) sadly were all eaten by the almighty Grue. Ever since that tragedy, no team from the Planet Earth ever has been as bad as Real Mandril. The closest was in the 3243/3244 season where two Italian teams (AC Milan & Juventus) met in the final. A real nail-biter, it was marked by the two teams playing traditional Italian football: intense defense and a refusal to cross the midway line, with the ball remaning in centre field for 89 minutes. At the 90th minute, the game was deemed to be too boring by the almighty Grue thus he ate them all causing Shektarlo F.C of Solaria(A star that is part of the Orion solar system} to win by default (Inter Milan were the other semi-finalist but the Grue ate them anyway).

They won nothing but shit in the 09/10 season, a great improvement from previous seasons when Barcelona won everything and Real's shit leaving them with nothing :(. But who cares, I'm off to start a barber business in Spain and convince all the the shit players in England to come over and play for Real Madrid.

During the 10/11 season, Ma Dick FC won every match at home. Rumors circulated that they used some weird african black magic. Suddenly, the mantra malfunctions and cause Gijonjonjon FC to beat Madrid by 69-0 at home. Currently, the real madrid president are searching for the guy who made this magic to kill him for the EPIC FAIL!

Their biggest honour was the tri-wizard tournament, in which christiano ronaldo said 'this is the biggest acheivement of my life'.

Current Squad[edit]

1.Wessel Hoogland The Netherlands only goalkeeper with hair. Is bought for 300 million Afghan dollars (has a value of 3 American dollars)

2. Retardo Carvalho apparently Portuguese, despite his scruffy French appearance and smell. Being Portuguese, he is gay by default. He got rejected by Chel$ki after 6 years after it became apparent he was far too old to play football and he was losing hair.

3. Pee Peenis the first of many illegal imigrants on this list,part alien, eats children and steals their hair, usually providing to Retardo Carvalho (see above). Died in early 2010 and respawned with hair-WTF(Rumored to have been stolen from Pique). Has a problem with his career due to his habit of wetting his pants EVERYTIME.Despite his name, he has hardly any dick.

4. Sergio GRamos- can play in 800 different positions but he is only good in the missionary, dropping trophies and wiping extra-terrestrial bodies from the face of the universe with his penalty kicks.

5. Fernando "Lady" Gago- only the legendary xialin warrior knows why he isnt playing for accrington stanley. takes it up the rear.he may also be on the way to manchester city the graveyard of overated players. Son of lady gaga.

6. Mahamadou Diarrhea- Rumoured to have had a blow to his knee in Chad and was never seen again, his prototype is been worked on now (see Lasagna Diarrhea)

7. "Jesus Christ"iano Pornaldo- Dived into a pile of dogshit in Manchester and fled to Spain, thats where Real Madrid signed him for 80 penii decided to become injury prone in an attempt to get more sympathy but reports are circulating that the club doctor just has a big dick.

8. Fucka- signed from Aysee Milan last summer for 2 billion euros. discraced at his sale Gary Cook swapped his legs with Noel Gallagher's which is considered an improvement and caused the break up of Oasis. Keeping the bench warm due to his dick injury. His name literally means "shit" in some languages.

9. Karl Benjamin- came to madrid during the french revolution. so crap he cant even get in the french team.

10. Lasagna Diarrhea- Played for 800 different clubs and has been shit for all of them. It is rumored that during half time, he spends 28 minutes in the bathroom. His parents are rumoured to be dolphins - well its the only explanation for his weirdly shaped head. Its like the Millenium dome or some shit.

11. Eatabean Granero- actually a bowls player who madrid signed to test if his hair looked good on Pepe's head, got kicked out of Madrid but then found his way back from Getafe.

12. Marcelo- no one knows anything about about this child except for Michael Jackson and Eric Djemba-Djemba. Also he is a convicted criminal and is wanted in several countries for kidnapping children and torturing them whyle having sex with multiple donkeys. Spanish farmers hate him because he steals their donkeys, sheep, and rumors say even horses. The farmers get their animals back with all messed up minds and their motorical skills lack the efficiency so they can only walk backwards and finally die from hunger. And that's how Suzanne Collins came up with the hunger games....

13. Antonio Adam- next andy dibble

14. Chubby Alonso- masturbated the great dick sucking party and went into hiding, thats why you never see him on the pitch.

15. Roysten Dreadlock- completely shit. apparently rumored to be killed in collision with a black boy in Real Madrid Youth club.

17. Alvaro i'll blow her - Rejected at liverpool for not scoring enough goals and sent to the shit players made good camp in madrid. had to pay a hefty entrance fee. Still sucks at Madrid but he got accepted for blowing Mourinho.

18. Raul Albiol- stole the shirt from a dead person called Ruben De La Green. also a known accompliss of batman.

19. Ezequil Gary- always rejected me on ffin video games. signed from charlton to keep the other crap players(Dreadlock,Gutsucker,Raul,Benjamin etc)company

20. Gondola Higuian- Became Real madrid's greatest ever player after escaping from fat ronaldo's stomach. Doesn't own a toothbrush.

22. Angel De Mary- is in fact a girl in disguise, or in this case he looks like one. rumored to possess a vagina.

23. Rafartel Van Der Fart- Known to be the only dutchman without pubic hair, hasn't played after meeting his girlfriend ( she is bloody hot! ) Never had first team football because he have a nasty habit of farting uncontrollably.

24. Sammy Khedira- Some random German player who joined the club to keep a bench warm. What he also likes to keep warm is his ass. It makes the job easier for Mourinho who has experience with lots of ass.

25. Jerky Du-dicks- Left Liverpool, where he was second-choice to Spain's #2 goalkeeper, for more first team football, before joining Real Madrid to play with...erm...Spain's #1 goalie.

23. Mesut Oezil- joined the club as a disguise of Marty Feldman. Also likely to keep a bench warm, Rob Shniders twin

27. Zuel- Only Zuel

28.Toni Kroos'-left bayern munich in order to become a galadickto but was kicked outer he was found sleeping with a donkey.

Notable Former Players[edit]

  • Raul Gonzalez Jimenez Vagina Hernandez Cock Valdez Herpes- oldest living person at the age of 6 billion but only started playing football 16 years ago afted his nose blocked a shot from Pele. once upon a time he was a good footballer but know just sits on the bench masturbating. After 15 years, he got fed up of the same routine, that he eventually decided to become a professional beer consumer in Germany.
  • Gutsucker- Nearly as old as raul, very popular due to eating Roy keane, used as a benchwarmer. In his spare time he plays chess with Steven Hawking
  • Zinedean Zidain- World's greatest headbutter ever
  • Raul Gonzalez Negro- Evil twin of the other Raul

Record Breaking Transfer Signings[edit]

Mourinho's reaction when he realised he would be earning £300k a minute to manage Real Madrid

Recently, Real Ma dick hit the bank as they decided to splash out some money to sign the world's worst player Cristiano Ronaldo for a record, 80 p, even though there had been talk of an a crashed Ferrarri. Xabi Alonso was also bought from Liverpool in place of a Rafael Benitez-shaped punching bag for Alonso. Steven Gerrard went home crying.

They have also spent a lot of General Franco's change, which he dropped whilst partying like its 1999, in 1999, during the act of spanking a retarded 7 year old Iranian she-male, on the "property of Jesus" aka Kaka & "Zim Zimmaa, who got da keys to ma Beeemaaaaa". Both have claimed the reason for their utter shittness is that everytime they try to play football within 3,498 miles of Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball is sucked away from their feet by the massive gravitational force coming from Ronaldo's head. These claims have been refuted by Ronaldo. I say refuted, when questioned, he crumpled to the floor in a heap waving his arms around for an imaginary yellow card.


  • Must be sexually attractive to the opposite and only opposite sex, or else Winners is not interested (for example: Wayne "spawn of Shrek" Rooney, has no chance whatsoever of playing in Real's first team. Wayne had sex with Ronaldo so that he doesn't leave United, but Ronaldo sold the nude Rooney pictures for £99000 and moved to Real MADrid (They like to get rid of mad people)! Hull City on the other hand, have made repeated attempts to buy him. As if their starting squad wasn't hideous enough in the first place). Cristiano "Wanker" Ronaldo is the prime example of a player who fits in this category. The fat Ronaldo's gain of weight and weird hair was the reason why he was sold , but he maybe be bought back if keeps attracting the men like he has been lately then Real will bid 300 million to get him back . other big signings include super mario for 100,000,000,000 euros, and also bill gates for an estimated 2.4billion Afghan Money, which is £500 or $435352432.