Reciprocating Contrivance

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The Reciprocating Contrivance is held to have been invented by Chinese Monks of The Temple of Deadly Sonic Arts in the early part of the 18th century. The initial use of the R.C. is disputed, but it is thought to have been employed in one or more of these tasks:

  • Groin Removal
  • Groin Replacement
  • Standardized Testing
  • Lamp-Arresting
  • Fully Complete Partialization

Whatever its initial uses, the Reciprocating Contrivance was at first underestimated. The Sonic Monks (Sonks) felt no need to share knowledge of the device, whether because of secrecy or a total lack of understanding it's potential for affecting civilization is not known. It remained unknown to the wider world for some hundred years.

The Mexican Intervention[edit]

In 1848, Mexican Explorer Jose Jiminez, on an expedition to survey the beanpotential of the Himalayas, stumbled upon the Deadly Sonic Temple of Surik'ruz. The Sonks of Surik'ruz immediately took a liking to Jiminez and spared him the terrible assault of ultra-sonic flatulence that they emparted on the rest of the Mexica bean expedition. History does not specify whether Jiminez was the guest of the sonks, or a prisoner. It does note that the sonks found his feebly quiet western farts hilarious in comparison to their own lethal gastrointestinal fury. Apart from amusing the sonks with his unrefined sound-making abilities Jiminez performed two tasks crucial to modern history. The first; he introduced the Temple of Deadly Sonic Arts to Mexican cuisine, an act which led to the wholesale massacre of thousands. And the second; he returned to the West with the amazingly fantastic Reciprocating Contrivance.

Jiminez's Death, the Captain & Shakespeare[edit]

The R.C. was first revealed to the non-sonk world on Spranguary 5th, 1851. Jiminez had escaped the sonks during the frenzy of their initial Bean-Fueled assault on the Dutch East Indies and had set out for Europe with the intention of capitalizing on the sonk's machine. Sadly, during the voyage to Denmark aboard the H.M.S. Flippant Jiminez fell victim to a lethal bout of Electric Boogaloo. The ship's surgeon pronounced him "Way Dead." on Juptember 1st, 1850. The task of bringing the R.C. to the world now fell to Jiminez's bunkmate aboard the Flippant, one Capt. W. T. Bangwhistle III (ret'd). Immediately upon arrival in Copenhagen Bangwhistle set up a stage with some colourful curtains and a grotesquely deformed Chimpanzee to attract passers by.

At this stage Bangwhistle loudly proclaimed the Reciprocating Contrivance to "Have some qualities, though not more divine than our lord savour Jesus Christ, likely still quite divine, and without a doubt more favourable than a score of filthy Spaniards." He would also assert in a loud voice that "This Reciprocating Contrivance, a great mystery from farthest East, was made by strange little men whose eyes appear to be weighted down by irregularly heavy eyelids, and whose skin is a ravishingly jaundiced yellow" [the remark found it's way back to the grand high supreme master of deadly sonic arts and provoked him to utter; "Me no rikey!"]

Although Bangwhistle's sales pitch was entirely perfect, it lacked something. Sensing this he called upon the writing skills of the proprietor of a nearby haberdasherie, a sixteen foot tall Walrus named Bill Shakespeare. The speech Shakespeare wrote to aide Bangwhistle in his efforts to sell the R.C. went as follows:

Cquote1.png Dear gentle Victorian folk of the Constitutional Monarchy of Denmark, lend me your attention for just a moment and I shall be quite obliged. I have here, before my personage a device so astounding that it caused Princess Henry of Naples to faint upon hearing it's very name! A device whose applications are endless, and which shall surely usher in a new era of prosperity. A device so amazing that it is more important than cotton, and I can assure you my friends that cotten is a dearly important asset. You shall all agree that cotton is so very much important to the economy and well-being of the world in this year of our lord, 1851. I can truly attest to this machine's ability to do things, which while astounding in nature, are not the least offending to the noblest of noble men whose hats are widely brimmed and well-made. This device can be used by even the most backwards of humans, yes, even those most backwards of all humans, the truly poor and pathetic Dutchman. I hold here in my hand, a signed deposition by the Duke of Minky and two of his closest horses, that a Dutchman did operate this miraculous machinae in his presence, and to satisfactory effect... Cquote2.png

Unfortunately Shakespeare was a terrible writer and provided Bangwhistle with only this one document (which goes on like that for some 500 more pages without once mentioning the name Reciprocating Contrivance). Bangwhistle could find no buyers for his device and died of angered teeth in 1853, shortly after he bequeathed the Patent for the R.C. to his next-door neighbour Billian Plankchest, a strong-man at the Krakow circus.

A Diagram of the Reciprocating Device. In a box.

Enter the Strongman[edit]

It should be noted that Plankchest was in and of himself an amazing figure in history. In 1848, some years before coming in to possession of the Reciprocating Contrivance, he was embroiled in a scandalous affair with television's Mayim Bialik (more commonly known as Blossom from the television program of the same name). In itself this was not particularly amazing, but when one considers that Bialik was born well over one hundred years after the affair took place and some 99 after Plankchest's own death the true magnitude of the feat becomes apparent.

Plankchest was something of a marketing genius and immediately proceeded to the World's Unlikeliness Fair of 1854 held in Berlin. The occasion was so anticipated that the entire city of [Berlin]] was moved forty-two feet to the left out of sheer excitement (it returned to its former position once the fair commenced and was a major letdown).

Plankchest employed Bangwhistle's stage, curtains and grotesquely deformed chimp in his display at the fair. In fact, his approach to marketing was exactly the same as the late Bangwhistle's but for one tiny difference, a difference so subtle that it would take the world's most amazing observer of subtle things to observe without this article's assistance. That difference was:

Plankchest fired a machine gun into the crowd twice every hour whilst shrieking "I'm a maniac! I'm a maniac! I will destroy all who do not buy my amazing Reciprocating Contrivance!! Look how maniacidal I am! Behold! I am Billiam Plankchest! Ratatatatatatatatatatat." The fairgoers were so amused by Plankchest's impression of a maniac that they bought his device by the trillion out of gratitude for his sense of humour (it is a well-documented fact that Germans find massacres, especially ones involving machine guns, entirely hilarious).

Plankchest was an instant millionaire and his machine-gunning gag a popular dinner-party trick for years to come. So ended the first chapter of the Reciprocating Contrivance and the wider world.