Recorder

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Don't worry. It's easy! Just don't put your finger in the big hole. Then bad things happen.

The recorder is the second worst musical instrument of them all, from abiano to zither. It is the ugly progeny of the flute and the train whistle, and its vain sine waves are on par only with the PC Speaker.

The recorder was invented by your third grade music teacher a year before you were born. Most can't remember her name, but it was Princess Gonzuela Bananahammock. She was trying to invent an instrument easier to play than both the saxophone and the monotone, but not quite as easy as the triangle. She succeeded in creating a demon, friend of the tone-deaf and enemy of the concert-goers. She realised that to protect the safety of the free people of Narnia, she had to invent a name that would not only rob the device of all grandeur but also confuse the hell out of people. Hence the misnomer recorder arose.

This clever scheme backfired when the recorder was mistaken for a kind of deluxe Walkman, capable of recording the wearer's air guitar solos, in the 1980's. The Walkmen were flying off the shelves, and when recorders appeared, consumers wanted to be up to their chins in those as well.

Children's Version[edit]

The Recorder is often taught to children grades 4 - 6 (Four to six.) The recorders designed for children are made of a thick industrial grade plastic, recently recycled from melted down condoms, and sickly old park benches three decades past their prime. The sound emitted from these putrid instruments are all the more amplified when being played by thirty small children piled into a classroom. The sound is difficult to endure, and can only be compared to having sex in a canoe.

Disease[edit]

Approximately a septillion STD's that were attributed to licking toilet seats were eventually traced back to the recorder. Besides creating wonderfully mediocre renditions of Beethoven's 5th Symphony, the recorder was a prolific spittle collector. A mouth condom was conceived but subsequently aborted after the FDA ruled that those would create even bigger risks.

The Faraway Recorder[edit]

The Faraway Recorder is believed by legend to reside at the end of every rainbow in turn. It is always off in the distance, but when you get closer it leaves. Some say there are golden marmalades inside, others golden tunes. All attempts to destroy the Faraway Recorder and its oft-misunderstood wailing have failed.