Redcar

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Redcar is a small to medium-sized coastal resort set in the idyllic German county of Cleveland. Created inadvertently in 1981 by wayward French nuclear testing, Redcar soon grew into one of Schnautzland's favourite holiday hotspots and even attracted holidaymakers from the far reaches of Narnia and Krakosia. It has even been said that Tom Hanks actually created the Redcar pier but then ordered it to be torn straight back down because Denzel Washington had built a much manlier one at nearby Saltburn-By-The-Silly.

Since around 1995, Redcar has now been taken over by a new form of un-intelligent plague called the Labour Party, headed by the aptly named head of the party, Mr Potato Head. They are intent on turning back time at the coastal resort and using its past greatness to lure back the holidaymakers that have long gone. New projects thus far announced include the old seafront holiday home of Hitler being turned into a museum and a scale recreation of Tom Hanks' ill-fated pier using matchsticks.

In early 1989, Redcar hosted the 14th National Cider Drinkolympics. Borough Park, Locke Park and Kirkleatham showgrounds were filled with famous cider drinkers and chavs from all over the world to sample the delights of (among others)Blue Strike, White Lightening, White Star and many others.

Events included 100m Charva Downing, 24h marathon Cider guff and empty bottle hurling. The games were a massive success and were the cause of at least 15 underage pregnancies, 3 murders, 4 goat bummings and the continued spending of dole checks on £2 cider for a generation.

Redcar's children are always on the beach ready to help the tourists and to conduct a modern ritual which involves lighting a bonfire round a tourist's deck chair leg - also known as tourist kebab. The ritual's origins go back hundreds of years in history, and it is often seen being practiced by Redcar's little angels.

Timeline[edit]

  • 1981 - Redcar inadvertently created by French nuclear testing.
  • 1981 - The new colony is immediately populated by French trawlermen disguised as lifeboatmen.
  • 1982 - Redcar town crier Aluwischus MacGlumpher is crowned World Sandcastle Champion.
  • 1984 - Following two years of near constant snowfall, MacGlumpher is crowned World Snowball Champion.
  • 1984 - MacGlumpher is sensationally stripped of his Snowball crown after admitting he is the proud owner of a robotic arm. His original arm apparently fell off following a drunken altercation with a large crab.
  • 1986 - Redcar residents vote in favour of independence from the German county of Cleveland.
  • 1986 - Redcar destroyed by more French nuclear testing. Newspaper reports suggested that more thought was needed regarding 'underground' nuclear testing as two scientists digging a hole on a beach with a bucket and spade didn't exactly fill the necessary requirements for 'safe undergound testing' and it was frankly 'just not British.' The French never listened.
  • 1987 - Redcar recreated once again by French nuclear testing and repopulated by vagrants from the surrounding areas of Grangetown and Eston.
  • 1988 - Redcar is twinned with Fiebenheiben in Germany and sales of poodle sausages go through the roof.
  • 1989 - Redcar host the 14th National Cider Drinkolympics.
  • 1989 - Following the Drinkolympics, Redcar is sucked into a time warp in which is is not spat back out until 2007
  • 2008 - The 15 births which came about as a direct result of the 1989 Drinkolympics are now preparing for their 18th birthday, during which there will be a re-enactment of the games. Planned for Redcar High Street on the 6t of September opposite the old McDonald's restaurant (which is now secretly used as England's largest Scientology church), various different own-brand ciders will be available for free as well as the old favourites for a small charge.