Remote Control Battery Cover

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Somewhere around 13.7 billion years ago, things became far apart. Due to its natural inclination to avoid movement, humanity was quick to invent the remote control, or "clicker." (For more information on their silly little names for everything, see The British.) These miraculous devices enabled mankind to pursue his dream of becoming ever more evolutionarily unfit. Somewhere around this time, a group of large immobile naked people with chiseled abs known as the greeks invented a spicy new idea called science. Science, which provided a methodology for drawing observations about the physical world and would one day lead to the creation of Whammy!, held that energy was required to power these newfangled remote controls. It was soon universally agreed that batteries were the most sensible means of providing this energy, as they were light, efficient, and abundantly available, sometimes in packs of 10 or more. But the promises of the new technology were dashed when top engineers realized there was no reliable way to hold the batteries in place against the downward force of gravity.

Many solutions were proposed - from force fields, to anti-grav systems, to just holding the remote upside-down - but all proved flawed. A provisional solution was eventually provided in the form of a rectangular plastic strip which latched on to the bottom of the remote and held the batteries in place, a process called "clicking it in." The new mechanism, initially dismissed by several prominent Britons as "pants," "nish," and "not a sausage," was not given a formal name, but went by several monikers, such as the semi-official Remote Control Battery Cover (RCBC), as well as other informal names, such as "you know, the little black thing," and "that thing, you know, the stupid thing that goes on the back," and "stop staring at me like I'm a freaking idiot the little thing that keeps the - nevermind". Although in theory, the device was shown to provide a 98.6% battery retention rate, [1] observed rates of retention were significantly lower, due to various complications.

Chemical and Nuclear Instability[edit]

The first problem observed with the RCBCs was their tendency to rapidly lose mass, either through Spontaneous Total Sublimation, or Rapid Radioactive Decay. The RCBCs had an observed half-life of just under 2 nanoseconds, prompting reactions from mystified consumers such as "Wait a sec, where did the thing go? You know, the little thing" and "Wait, no, I'm serious, I can't find the goddamn thing for the remote" and "It was just there, just right there sitting on the table. What, did it just get up and walk away? Somehow magically just get up on its own and walk away?" and "I just ordered the new one. I just ordered it. This is unbelievable. Unbelievable." World divorce rates skyrocketed as couples were heard screaming things such as "What do you mean you don't know where it is? You were the last one using it! How can we raise a child together if I can't even trust you to put the goddamn fucking thing back on the remote? No, you know what, I don't even want to talk about it anymore. No, really, just don't."

{picture of remote with battery cover on. caption 'new remote.' picture of remote with battery cover and both batteries missing. caption 'same remote 433.6 nanoseconds later.' Arrow drawn between the pictures illustrating the difference.}

Ease of Breakage[edit]

Even those RCBCs which maintained constant mass were soon rendered useless by the destruction of the crucial latch that held them in place. The latch had a high probability of disattachment from the main battery cover chassis during several crucial battery-cover-related procedures, such as: 1) Removing the battery-cover, 2) Attaching the battery-cover ("clicking it in") 3) Looking at the battery cover, 4) Thinking about the battery cover, and 5) Thinking about your sister in that way. Many RCBC designs tricked consumers by containing slots ostensibly for the insertion of flat head screwdrivers, the insertion of which would immediately break the battery cover, rendering it, and thus the remote itself, utterly useless.

Alternative Solutions[edit]

Listed below are several common "layman" solutions for repairing a broken RCBC unit:

  • Affix batteries with tape.
    • Pros: Cheap, reliable.
    • Cons: Battery replacement difficult. Tape poisoning.
  • Trust in friction.
    • Pros: Cheap, reliable.
    • Cons: Friction is a fickle mistress.
  • Affix batteries with seal of fresh, sticky semen.
    • Pros: Cheap, reliable.
    • Cons: Dehydration.
  • Order slaves to hold batteries in place.
    • Pros: Cheap, reliable.
    • Cons: Legacy of incurable social strife.
  • Word of Command
    • Pros: Cheap, reliable.
    • Cons: Wizards only!
  • Move to Australia
    • Pros: Cheap, reliable.
    • Cons: Doesn't actually work.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. "A Newe Tretife Whereunto the Myfteries of thefe Moft Fantaftick Devices are Herein Expounded," Francis Bacon, 1623.