Republic of Tinselman

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
No Wikipedia.png
Wikipedia doesn't have a proper article about Republic of Tinselman. It really wouldn't help those so-called experts by writing one either.
The Republic of Tinselman Flag which symbolizes many of the core truths of the Republic, including Boo-tactics and the three mysterious phrases.

The Republic of Tinselman is a "Fictional State" (though its members deny this), established decades ago by peace-loving President (for-Life) Robyn Miller. Their complex belief-system is often confusing to outsiders and may even seem on its surface "utterly ridiculous" or "a complete waste of time." Interestingly enough, the citizens of the Republic of Tinselman are proud of this misunderstanding. No one outside the republic knows why.

With its humble beginnings on President (For Life) Miller's Tinselman blog, the Republic boasts a following of an unknown (but probably huge) amount. Perhaps that's because joining this Republic without borders (unlike the NSK) requires no signing of papers and the no payment fees. One must only visit Tinselman. Or read about the Republic. Or hear about it from a friend. And then accept "the truth".

According the Republic, "the truth" is:

  • We embrace Godzilla. He will come to our side in times of extreme need.
  • We love the Loch Ness Monster (or Nessy). We don't necessarily believe she's real but we still like the idea of her and we want to believe in her (and damn that fool scientist who ruined everything with his elephant theory!).
  • We absolutely adore Tinsel (because of its obvious magical properties).
  • We practice top secret "boo" and "haunted house" tactics to frighten our enemies. This includes the use of hatchet symbology but not exactly spiders (see flag).
  • We use mysterious phrases like "Woah-Hey!" and "Wow-Magical!". When used correctly by a citizen of the Republic, these phrases have the power to momentarily stun our enemies (or make them smile quizzically).
  • We sort of like hotdogs.
President (for Life) William Shatner In March, 2006, Shatner courageously took the helm of the republic.

A Shocking Change of Authority[edit]

On March 13th, 2006, President (for Life) Miller unexepectedly stepped down from his long-standing position, choosing none other than the illustrious and very talented William Shatner to take his place. For his innagural address, Shatner surprised the nation by playing a shortened version of one of his old (and great) hits: Spleen/Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

Return to the Good Old Days[edit]

William Shatner's first act as President was deeply unpopular amongst Ministers of the Republic, so much so that it was deleted from the official histories. Lamentably, however, it is impossible to remove someone from the office of President for Life without their prior approval. On March 16th 2006, in response to this predicament, Robyn Miller was elected to a newly created office, Miller the Khan of the Boundless Tinselistic Sunshine. As this position ranks well above the office of President, Khan Miller was once more the undisputed leader of the Republic of Tinselman. He remains so to this very day.

On the origins of "Woah-Hey"[edit]

Detail of Official Republic of Tinselman Uniform

On February 24, 2006, a citizen of the Republic wrote to (then) President Miller inquiring into the origins of this magical phrase. "Whoa-Hey? Interesting salutation. That have it's origins alongside Frisbe Golf by chance? [sic]" (See here for the original correspondence.) In his reply, (then) President Miller revealed that Woah-Hey "has its roots in old-school skateboarding culture ... We excellent skaters might have used it like, "Woah-Hey... don't be so bummed out." The citizen in question promptly apologized.

Some etymologists postulate an even older-school derivation, linking it to the Scottish expression "Wha Hae", as in "Scots, wha hae wi' Wallace bled".

Official Merchandise[edit]

Esteemed anthropologist Benedict Anderson wrote "I propose the following definition of the nation: it is an imagined political community." Evidently this was too profound for those geniuses at Wikipedia (see also: Enemies). However, as is well known to citizens of the NSK (see also: Enemies), the real test of nationhood is the possession of official-looking merchandise. This we have in abundance.

Republic Of Tinselman Official Postage Stamp

Enemies[edit]

Lyndon B. Johnson

Though President Johnson is known to be dead, citizens of the Republic of Tinselman believe that he has twice travelled through space and time using what he describes to be an "impossible paradoxical Star Trek styled time and space warping kind of reality." His message has been mainly two-fold. Not only has he proclaimed himself "Vice President of the Republic of Tinselman ", he has also directly threatened the Republic's old President. (As an aside, he once called Spock a "Yankee", which made the citizens all very mad")

LBJ has since mysteriously disapeared. President Shatner says, "Honestly, I think he was just plain overwhelmed by the mere mention of our Retinal-Scopic Robotic-Crawling-Superbrain. Wouldn't you be?"

NSK

On February 23, 2006, peace-loving President (For Life) Miller surprised the Republic by declaring WAR against this fictional nation that deceivingly claims to be "the first global state in the universe." In his declaration, he powerfully stated, "It seems they've moved in on our 'non-territory' and are rapidly gaining ground. We cannot allow this! We will not allow this!" He went on to criticized the NSK for long list of crimes, including:

  • Functioning under a "borg-like" collective.
  • Requiring payment to become a citizen.
  • Being elistist
  • Having cool fembot recruitment posters (this was actually more of a compliment rather then a criticism)

For these reasons, and because it gave President Miller "this amazing rush of power," he did not hesitate to declare war against the NSK: "an obviously dangerous and diabolical country."

All citizens of the Republic of Tinselman were at first eagerly anticipating President Miller's plans of battle. They were were ready to go in the battle. The Ministers met and enthusiastically offered their suggestions: perhaps violent attack, perhaps a psychological game of wits, perhaps a mutant brain virus. But in the end no plans were made. Finally President Miller made the decision that the Republic needed a better and more attractive Wikipedia entry than the NSK, which is ugly and naked. As he has often stated, "This should be really easy... their entry sucks."

Wikipedia

The Eternal Holiday Palace of Tinsedelic Summertime, the luxury resort, free to any and all citizens of the Republic of Tinselman.

President (for Life) Robyn Miller wrote this entry. He slaved away on this entry. For nights and days (or at least about 30 minutes or so). And oh, it was a beautiful Republic of Tinselman entry. It looked beautiful. It had many real links to real places and this gave the republic plausibility and a sense of believability. It had graphics! Colorful graphics (and I've heard people like color)! And in short, it was a masterwork. And nothing will ever approach it again. Any person reading it would assume it was a call to arms, possibly rebellion. (See also "Woah-Hey".) And this is why President (for Life) Robyn Miller was one furious–angry–raving President when he pressed Wikipedia's cute little "Save Page" button. Because that's when the message popped up on his computer screen... the administrator's message: "User University Challenger (name changed for protection) deleted this article after you started editing with reason: obvious joke, not notable."

Fuming, fuming, fuming, fuming. This would be a general description of our President right after that message. And this is when he shook his head, laughed with resignation and realized the sorry truth: Wikipedia is an agent of the NSK! The NSK is using Wikipedia as a propagandistic device. With it they spread their savage lies throughout the Information Superhighway under the guise of "knowledge".

Invasion of Republic by United States of America[edit]

US space monster deployed during the invasion

The Republic of Tinselman never set out to be an enemy of the world's only superpower. Unfortunately, however, the US decided to invade the peace-loving Republic on the evening of July 9th 2006, launching 'Operation Tinsel-Freedom'. The US President was uncharacteristically clear about his reasons for ordering the invasion. "It is well known that Robyn partakes of Aquatic Specimens of Mass Annihilation-related program-activities (ASMARPA)." On the issue of potential civilian casualties, the President said before the invasion, "We searched Wikipedia, and found that Tinselstan doesn't even have nation-status. Which means, there aren't any Tinselstanis to be casualized."

Granted, the Republic's Cryptozoo has a breeding-program for a rare aquatic specimen named Megophias megophias, which has been described by experts as "a sea-serpent of the nineteenth century variety." Contrary to the claims of the US, however, Megophias megophias follows the principles of pacifism and vehemently abhors Mass Annihilation.

Many citizens were captured during the war, including Khan Miller. Many citizens escaped captivity during the war, including Khan Miller.


Enough of this Enemy Stuff[edit]

Hey, you shouldn't get the idea that the Republic of Tinselman is all about having wars and subverting their wicked enemies. They are also about love and kindness! Prior to becoming the Khan, former President for Life Robyn Miller even went so far as to say: "And with new President (for Life) William Shatner to lead the Republic forward, who knows what heights they may reach! Gone are the autocratic and controlling (though well-meaning) ways of President Miller. The Republic welcomes the more democratically minded Shatner with his forward-thinking plan of attack: to assimilate, sublimate and annihilate." Speaking on these issues during the (now) post-Shatnerite era, Khan Miller is alleged to have said "All options are currently on the table."

Powerful backers[edit]

Rupert Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch. A finger in more than one pie?

The precise nature of media mogul Rupert Murdoch's involvement in the joyful affairs of the Republic of Tinselman is much disputed. It probably involves his considerable financial clout, either way. Conspiracy theorists sometimes point to the well-attested fact that he was present with Khan Miller on the night of the US invasion. But just what it is they're getting at - the average citizen has no idea.




Nuvola apps important blue.svg This template is blue because this article needs cleanup.
Please make spelling, grammar, or punctuation corrections, reorganize the content, or delete bad content and clichés so this template will cheer up.

Incorrect usage! Please sign with timestamp: {{Cleanup|~~~~~}}

Coherent? Organized?! Amusing?!!