Retard

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Raise your hand if you're a retard

A retard is a person with special needs. Retards were invented by Mr. Dullard to provide a sense of community in a quick and efficient way and only at the expense of said retards.

It's political correctness gone mad[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about mental retardation.

Retardism used to be celebrated, along with membership of any other ethnic minority group. Local communities used to try to find their most disadvantaged member; the champion was a black albino lesbian quadriplegic wheelchair bound Muslim nun that had AIDS and was mentally retarded.

Retards are far too smart to do certain tasks.

It's political correctness gone mad[edit]

Festivals of retardism also included games, in one the handicapped are given weapons and told there would be chocolate for whoever survived the bloodshed and gore. Obviously there was never actually any chocolate, but the winner did get a healthy dose of morphine. Fun was had by all, except those Fucking Liberal political correctness assholes, who can only have fun by spoiling our fun. Libtards.

It's political correctness gone mad[edit]

But then, political correctness struck and now praising someone for simply surviving, while retarded, is no longer acceptable. What is the nun supposed to do now? She only infected herself with AIDS so she could beat the blind, autistic, Afghan pedophile prostitute with leprosy. It really explains our utter lack of heroism as a society. Heroism is praising that which does really badly, really well.

It's political correctness gone mad[edit]

Political correctness has gone too far when people start denying that disabilities are really disabilities. We can't call ladies women any more? And we have to call homosexuals fags or pickle-smokers or rump-wranglers or bum-bandits or poo-pushers or cock-rockers or wang-smokers. Why? Because these people are worthless scum, their names became viewed as derogatory terms.

“This is an expression of the increasing sentimentality of the second half of the twentieth century, in which terms that had acquired negative associations were replaced by euphemisms.”

~ Science on Being retarded

It's political correctness gone mad[edit]

So what if I say that someone is retarded instead of saying "Mentally Handicap", "Neurologically Disabled" or "Challenged"?... point is, he/she is retarded. I don't consider it an offensive word, some do, and that's THEIR problem, not mine... but in this world, they feel that they CAN make it my problem by either attempting to correct me with a more political term... fucking retards, I fucking hate them, ugly dribbling little headbangers.

It's political correctness gone mad[edit]

No one wants to insult the retarded younger brother and his moronic ways, well actually they do, in fact they are nuts with having to control their tongues all the time.

Background: The Standard-Bidet Intelligence Scale[edit]

One of the lesser-known facts about retards is that they actually mark roughly the middle point of the American intelligence scale, which makes them the key focus group for entertainment, news, advertising and especially politics.

IQ Classification
180 People who can understand the physics articles on Wikipedia; Libertarians.
160 People who can do line integrals or set the time on a microwave.
140 Doctors and scientists
120 Normal People
100 Retards
80 Jocks Bros
60 Administrators (public and private)
40 Nazis The KKK
20 Animal rights activists; Politicians

A synonym for retards in school is mainstream, as in, the "mainstream media". Retards are blessed with a great appreciation of television, which is pitched perfectly for their appreciation. For example, retards never cease to enjoy scenes where people sneak into a top secret military complex through spit-and-polished ventilation shafts six feet wide with handy built-in ladders. They find it very helpful when the weather man on the news reminds them to wear a coat when it's below zero Fahrenheit or not to stand out under a tree when there's lightning. Somewhat unfortunately, they really want to buy the car they see driving up the walls and across the ceiling, though at least they don't pay five times as much for a "status symbol" like the people in lower intelligence brackets.

The cause of mental retardation is natural selection for their relatively high intelligence, which allows them to avoid many problems. I mean, have you ever heard of a retard getting addicted to crack? Does a retard girl ever go 40 years without having babies to advance her career, only to decide that her biological clock is ticking and she has to spend $40,000 on in vitro fertility treatments? Do they ever get caught by the police after beating somebody to death in order to get their red shoelaces in a skinhead gang? Retards are a notch above jocks, because they absolutely love throwing around a ball, but when the coach wants them to run till they puke and spend all day bashing against some silly obstacle out on the field, they Just Say No. They're a little like Republicans: they'll work all day long and declare proudly at the end, "Mom, I got a job and they paid me a dollar!!!!" — but the difference is, they won't spend their spare time with political activity meant to make sure they get paid less than that tomorrow.

Maybe retards are still a little too clever for their own good sometimes. They'll accept public assistance for school and sometimes certain living expenses, but they always do so with a sense of shame. Compare that to administrators, a happier group who eagerly accept huge salaries sponged from tax money or the workers they supervise, but who can honestly believe that society really can't do without someone to tell schoolchildren that they have to wear a white, brown, or maroon top with three buttons and one unbuttoned over gray or black slacks. And when a retard gets frustrated and says why doesn't everyone at work just give up and go home, it's a little fit of sadness, but administrators really think that shuttering factories and hiring the Chinese to do it is a brilliant insight only they could offer.