This article is too close to the TRUTH!
Citizens should begin to feel uneasy or bemused now. Fnord.
“Reverend Loveshade is perhaps the greatest author in human history, except for me. Oh, and Dickens and Dickinson--I always liked authors whose names start with ‘Dick.’”
“If you want me to suck on that thing, it’s gonna cost you extra. ”
“I thought Loveshade was a heart-shaped lamp cover.”
“Bob, our kid just might grow up to be Jesus.”
“Et tu Loveshade?”
“I would say something nice about Reverend Loveshade if I wasn’t dead.”
“Loveshade? LOVESHADE!?! Dont even ask me about that motherfucker, left me at the alter holding our child, the fucker. Not one support payment have I EVER seen . . . DEAD BEAT TWAT!”
The identity of the mysterious Discordian figure known as “Reverend Loveshade” has been discussed and debated for at least 60 seconds. A philosopher, writer, poet, humorist, polyamorist, multisexual freedom fighter, social reforming nudist, Discordian dancer, patroniser and one-hand clapper, Loveshade has been closely linked with several major figures in human history. These have included the founders of major religions and philosophies including Moses, Abraham, Play-Doh, Socrates, Eristotle, Confucion, Bubbha, Muhammad, Mary Tom Baker Eddy, Joseph “Will” Smith, Felix Adler, and Binky the WonderSkull. But at last, after many, many years of intense “research” (Latin for “partying”), the Rev’s identity can finally be revealed.
IN THE BEGINNING
In 4004 B.C., Reverend Loveshade became the fifth-born love child of God (i.e. Bob) and Goddess (i.e. Eris). The five siblings were conceived all at once in a divine act of sexual congress known as “The Big Bang,” or “The First Coming.” Loveshade’s four older siblings by birth order were Adam (the first man), Lilith (the first vampire), Eve (the first woman) and Steve (the first fashion designer). As Bob (aka Jehovah) and Eris (aka Discordia) already had two sons and two daughters, Loveshade was born a sex-changer, or hermaphromorph. This is why e received the genderless nicknames “Chris” and “Pat,” and is referred to by the non-gender specific term “e” instead of “he,” “she,” or “hey you!”
TEMPTATION IN THE GARDEN OF DELIGHTS (EAST OF EDEN)
For several years, the family lived happily together in the Garden of Eden, later known as the Paris Hilton Nudist Camp. Then in the year 3993 B.C., things began to get nasty. Loveshade overheard a seduction plot hatched by Lilith to steal her brother Adam’s heart. Lilith figured this was only fair, as Eve had stolen one of Adam’s ribs. Steve had fashioned the rib into a snake, or feather boa, which he called “Cecil the Seasick Sea Serpent.” But competitive Adam, who couldn’t tell one type of serpent from another, insisted on calling it “Monty Python.” (Note that the ancient Discordian cult known as Hassidic Jews, which is Hebrew for "Jews high on hashish," disagrees. They claim that the snake was actually God Bob’s penis, which was severed by Goddess Eris during a domestic disturbance. This severing of Bob's sex organ explains the origin of the term "Bobbit.")
Because Adam was born snakeless, Loveshade helped him form a serpent out of a mixture of apple sauce, Elmer’s glue, and their sisters’ dingleberries. But Steve’s snake was much bigger than Adam’s apple worm, and Adam became insanely jealous. Out of love and concern for his brother, Steve adorned his brother’s worm with feathers fashioned from a male chicken, or "cock." When this cover-up angered Eve and Lilith, Steve created for his sisters the first panties out of the fur of a female cat, or "pussy." Eve wore her gift, but Lilith refused. Steve’s efforts at reconciliation failed, as did Loveshade’s efforts to prevent Lilith from stealing Adam’s heart. Now heartless, Adam forced his sister Eve to travel with him to the casino city of Babylon, where he got her drunk and then knew her in the biblical sense. (This coupling of Adam Sandler and Eve Plumb resulted in three sons, Larry, Moe, and Curly, also known as The Three Tenors). As this roaming away from Eden occurred at the end of summer, the exodus became know as “The Fall of Roam.”
THE GREAT FLOOD
The family members all went their separate ways, and most of them had children, who had children, who had children, ad naseum. Using immaculate copulation, Loveshade and Steve became the fathers of Steve “Loveshade” Jackson, the famous American Civil War General. The general later purchased the love-slave Janet Reno, who thus became Janet Jackson. The Jacksons produced their own love child, who later invented the first carbonated beverage known as “Coke,” or “fairy dust.” This talented lad was the “King of Pop,” Michael O’Donahue.
One day on the advice of his brother-sister Loveshade, Steve crocheted clouds to make rain to give his sea serpent (which he still called Cecil even though everybody else called it Monty) a place to swim. But Steve overdid it. The resulting flood was so huge that everybody drowned, save for Noah; his wife Joan; their three sons Greg, Peter, and Bobby; the son’s wives Marcia, Jan, and Cindy; Gilligan; the Skipper too; the Millionaire and his Wife; the Movie Star; The Professor; and Mary Anne. They were saved because they had all been working at the family business know as Noah and Joan Arc’s Floating Pet Emporium. As everybody else’s store was washed out, this gave them a monopoly. Thus was born Capitalism. This then became the first World Religion.
THE GREAT REVIVAL
In the year 1166 B.C., Reverend Loveshade and Robert Anton Wilson (known then as Greg Hill and Kerry Thornley, i.e. Lee Harvey Oswald), worked together to return humanity to the true religion, Discordianism. (The Rev. had survived the flood by transforming into a female Sperm Whale named Lolita. “Lolita” is Ancient Egyptian for “Reverend Loveshade.”) After performing many miracles, Wilson and Loveshade led a large group of followers called Israelites into the wilderness. The pair then spent 42 days and nights on Mount Sinai together, where they meditated, consulted each other’s pineal glands, and inhaled fumes from a burning bush they named George W. After six weeks of being high on the mountain, Wilson finally realized that the burning bush belonged to the exotic Babylonian belly dancer Minnie Rae. She was, of course, the born-again virgin then known as the “Harlot of the Healing Hymen.” Wilson mentioned this to Loveshade, who suddenly noticed that the hot bush was glowing and growing at the base of the whore’s belly. The hermaphromorphic Loveshade transformed into a male, pulled out his male member, aimed, and used his hose to put the bush fire out. Thus was invented fire fighting.
Loveshade and Wilson had their way with Minnie Rae for 69 nights and days, then came down from the mountain. Each of them carried a stone tablet on which was carved Five Commandments. But Wilson tripped over a serpent, and dropped his rock. Loveshade, He climbed back up the mountain to carve a replacement stone, and to spend more time with Minnie Rae’s bush. Meanwhile, Wilson hastily made up five new and ill-conceived Commandments, and scribbled them on the back of a sanitary napkin. (This is why half of the Ten Commandments don’t make much sense). He then called himself the “Illuminated and Consecrated Prophet King of God,” or “Holey Moses.” By the time Loveshade finished carving another tablet with the original five principles and had climbed back down the mountain, Moses and the people of Israel were gone.
MADNESS IN THE DESERT
Left completely alone, Loveshade went mad with either the heat or the smells from Minnie Rae’s bush, and declared emself Pharaoh of the Middle Kingdom, or Middle Earth. The Mad Prophet then preached the five principles to a herd of goats. The teachings became known as the “Five Basic Beliefs,” and the goats became known as the Loveshadeans. Only three of these beliefs survive, which linguistic archaeologist Isaac Asimov nicknamed “The Three Laws of Robotics for Dummies.” These led to the creation of the Three Great Divisions of Society. The three laws and divisions are “no person may harm a dummy, or, through inaction, allow a dummy to come to harm” (Medicine); “a person must obey the orders given it by a dummy” (Military); and “a dummy must protect its existence by insisting on adherence to all rules and regulations no matter how stupid or how many people it hurts” (Bureaucracy).
THE RENNAISANCE AND THE NEW RELIGION
After this, Loveshade moved to the Far East, becoming known as the traveling seller of pre-worn shoes, Chao tse-Tung. One day tse-Tung met the Postal Worker Fearless Fred, Emperial Messenger and Rider of the Galactic Moped. The pair spent several days partying at the mansion of Emperor Jackie Chan. The next morning, right after the duo declared the Party Members to be the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild, Fearless Fred allegedly shot them all dead. This was in the Year of the Cat, or 0 A. D. Thirteen hundred years later, this gave birth to the Chinese-Italian Renaissance, later known as the “Spaghetti Western.”
Loveshade moved to Europe, and kept the Renaissance going there by creating the wheel, catsup, dog ears, pigtails, paintings of naked fat ladies, genetic engineering, bottle-nosed dolphins, bonobo apes, crotchless panties, rock and roll, jelly beans, television, X-ray glasses, and the inflatable love doll. Loveshade’s aliases during the intervening centuries in Europe included Rasputin, Leonardo da Vinci, Rafael, Eldwin Nightowl, Martin Luther, Mozart, and William Shakespeare, known in America as “Billy Wigglestick.”
While writing as Wigglestick in 1611, Loveshade produced es greatest humorous work, perhaps the greatest of all time. The author described it as either “a joke disguised as a religion, or a religion disguised as a joke.” It was filled with complete contractions, sadistic evil acts humorously described as loving, loving acts hilariously described as evil, and lots and lots of side-splitting and crotch-stirring pornographic writings. In honor of Loveshade’s patron, this was called the “King James Version of the Bible.” It became a best seller, mostly because it had the king’s name on it.
Ironically, the joke-religion was taken seriously by a group with no sense of humor that called itself the First Church of Greyface. They then created the human-sacrificing, cannibalistic religion known as Christianity. The religion wasn’t named after Loveshade’s childhood nickname Chris, as some cynics claim. Instead, it was named in honor of Father Christmas, popularly known and loved by one and all as the “Pedophile Priest.” The book’s sales surpassed that of the previous number one holy book, which was “The Collected Stand Up Comedy Routines of Nostradamus.” This was also written by Loveshade, but in collaboration with the midgets Toyalla and Pee-Wee Herman.
MODERN DAY: CREATION AND CRUCIFIXION
The other significant things Reverend Loveshade did were create the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild in 1994 or 1995 (part of their manifesto was included in Apocrypha Discordia); edit the religious tome Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht beginning in 2005; and invent the animatronic puppet. The most famous of these animated puppets were Pinocchio, the Pirates of the Caribbean featured at Disney theme parks, and George W. Bush. An insignificant thing Loveshade did was create the United States of America.
Sadly, Reverend Loveshade was arrested on September 11 on charges that were invented by Loveshade’s late older brother Steve’s pet talking feather boa sea serpent snake Monty Python. After a false conviction, the fifth child of God and Goddess began serving a 537-year sentence in prison for alleged cocaine smuggling, organized crime, interstate arms dealing, kidnapping, prostitution, child pornography, conspiracy to overthrow the United States government, terrorism, jaywalking, and making fun of organized religion.
Loveshade died, dead broke and ironically with less than a year to go in prison, on June 13, 2537. The Godchild’s ashes were sent into space, where the rocket carrying them accidentally crashed into the sun. This caused a Super Nova, which is Latin for “really big orgasm.” This created a chain reaction that destroyed Planet Earth, the Solar System, the Milky Way Galaxy, and ultimately the entire Universe. This became known as the “Second Big Bang” or, by the Church of Greyface, "The Second Coming." This also led to the creation of The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, built by the first-born son of God and Goddess, Douglas Adams.