“If I had a dollar for every weapon of mass destruction that passed through my hands, the world would be made of pudding. ”
“I need this kind of device to blow up Bowser's domain!”
“Fuck you, Nintendo!”
“The proletariat has nothing to break but his chains! Revolution is the only option!”
The Revolutiontendo was the greatest invention of the company Nintendo. This military weapon (cunningly disguised as a video game console) is capable of capturing and unleashing the power of over 9000 [[badgerwergferws.
Originally thought up as a concept in 1868 by Tchaikovsky, the Revolutiontendo was brought to life by Nintendo sometime during the Nintendo Revolution. After being developed secretly for many years, several prototypes were released. It is commonly accepted that penguins, toasters, Weetabix and Tony Blair were all prototypes of Chinese food.
As the final version of the Revolutiontendo was being drawn up, it was concealed as a video game console and went through a massive sexual campaign. Sadly, shortly after the design for the completed Revolutiontendo was finished, the used tampons were stolen, which forced the whole project to a close. Only one copy of the Chinese food itself is thought to currently remain. It is widely believed that the final used tampon for the Chinese Food were stolen by a student wishing to masturbate the Manhattan Project.
The conceptual formula of the Revolutiontendo as thought up by Tchaikovsky is a simple one:
Spoon(s) + Secret Ingredient = Boom
This concept was expanded by Nintendo into the formula:
Racoon(s) + Secret Ingredient = Doom
Atari expanded the concept even more!
Computer chips + Secret Ingredient = Zoom
While these two formulae appear very similar, they are in actual fact completely different.
The Revolutiontendo is designed so that the device can absorb any form of energy nearby whenever it comes into contact with humans and/or small rodents. The weapon will then use the energy that has been absorbed to emitt a large explosion capable of mass destruction. The only disadvantage of the Revolutiontendo is that it becomes impossible for the user who had started the device to escape from the blast area before the Revolutiontendo detonates. It is likely that this side effect was the hidden motive behind MC Hammer's song "You Can't Touch This".
Like many other weapons, the Revolutiontendo requires a spoon to be present to achieve its full potential. This is probably because spoons create an agonisingly slow and painful death when compared to other pieces of cutlery, such as a fork or spork.
Originally, Tchaikovsky wanted to use the Revolutiontendo to battle the undead armies of Beethoven. Although he did have the secret ingredient (which, to this day, remains a mystery), he lacked the spoon (see: THERE IS NO SPOON) required to unleash the full destructive powers of the Revolutiontendo. He inflicted massive casualties on the undead armies, but he eventually was defeated by Beethoven's second general, Phil, in the Battle Of Overtures and Symphonies of 1876. The Revolutiontendo was then lost for many years, until the original concept was found by Nintendo. They wanted to use it to destroy the evil empire of Microsoft and liberate the citizens of the Windows plague. However, since the blueprints were stolen, only prototypes of it have been created.
The Secret Ingredient
While the actual secret ingredient used in the Revolutiontendo is unknown, many speculations have been made as to what may have been used. These include:
- Rolf Harris's Beard
- Sweat, blood, and tears
- The liver of a homeless man
- The tongues of 1000 gnats, deep fried in pure fish oil and heated to a temperature of approximately 63 degrees celcius.
- Computer chip
- Game disk
- Game cartridge
- Special sauce
- Lolcano juice
While none of these ingredients have been tested successfully yet, it can be said that one or more of these ingredients may or may not be similar in its properties to the secret ingredient that may or may not be one or more of the secret ingredients mentioned that was used in the Revolutiontendo. In other words, you have two cows.
While it is uncertain as to why Nintendo wished to disguise such a dangerous weapon in the form of a video game console, it is mainly attributed to the fact that Nintendo was receiving funding at the time from the US Government. While many innocent people may have been mercilessly slaughtered by the Revolutiontendo, it was bound to kill a few terrorists at the same time, therefore making the world a much safer place for the future through the use of technology.
Military recruits with severe boredom problems will play this cunningly disguised bomb as a game system, but will sacrifice it as an explosive when enemies step on their territory. Military recruits will supply a truckload of these explosive/game system hybrids so they can play another video game when they are on a break. Some recruits will use a Revolutiontendo Advance if they wish to use a handheld system that will explode when thrown into an enemy hideout.
Games played on the Revolutiontendo
- Duke Nukem 3D
- Super Mario 69
- Super Mario 138
- Super Mario Bros.
- The Legend of Zelda: Mushroom Kingdom
Iterations of the Revolutiontendo
- Revolutiontendo 1.0
- Just a simple prototype made during a science experiment
- Revolutiontendo 1.5
- A working version distributed virally to military recruits! Used as a battering ram during the first world war.
- Revolutiontendo 2.0
- A frag grenade/smoke bomb hybrid used to trick terrorists into thinking it is a less dangerous weapon.
- Chocolate Revolutiontendo
- First explosive disguised as yummy food that terrorists will be fragged by when attempted to be eaten!!!
- The first toaster that people could use as a bomb. A play on revolutiontendo and toaster.
- A Revolutiontendo disguised as a disco ball; people at proms used this to frag terrorists with.
- Revolutiontendo Entertainment System
- The first Revolutiontendo disguised as a game console, and first one with bomb explosion/video game versatility.
- Super Revolutiontendo
- A better version made to frag a terrorist with.
- Revolutiontendo 6.4
- The use of 3D explosion is now possible
- Revolutiontendo Cube
- A Revolutiontendo which is now possbile to be stowed away in a cube
- Revolutiontendo Wii
- A smaller prototype made with a higher proportion to explosion to the initial physical size of the product. Wii stands for "Wide injection impact".
- First ultra portable bomb; disguised as a Game Boy.
- Revolutiontendo Pocket
- A small-scale version of an earlier model. Explosions are monochrome.
- Revolutiontendo Color
- Now, it is possble for a bomb to have variable color gases after explosion.
- Revolutiontendo Advance
- A pocket-sized device made to collapse Osama Bin Laden's hideout.
- Revolutiontendo DS
- Now, the detination of 2 bombs in 2 separate hideouts (respectively) is now possible, another innovative feature about this Game console/bomb hybrid is that now, you can explode a bomb remotely without sacrificing the game console portion. DS stands for "Dual-strike".
Revolutiontendo Power magazine is a magazine that military recruits in the U.S. Army read when they are trying to find gifts for Santa Claus to give to terrorists so he can tease the terrorists into having a happy Christmas but because the game systems are bombs, they will cause the hideouts to collapse.