Ribena

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ribena.
Ribena Toothkind, our number one selling variety.

“Ah, so that's why my teeth have rotted to stubs.”

~ User:Hindleyite on Ribena

“Excellent!”

~ Wayne Campbell on Ribena and pretty much everything else in the world too.

“Mummy...”

~ You (aged 5) on Ribena

We at Ribena, the UK’s number one brand of still soft drink, are proud to celebrate our 70th anniversary this decade - quenching the nation’s thirst for nearly 70 years.

Amazingly, Ribena is still bottled in the original factory in the heart of the forest of Dean! Consequently, no wildlife has been seen in the vicinity since 1966 - a memorable triumph on our part.

Ribena has been providing fun and refreshment for all ages for generations and we are proud to be associated with Tussauds Theme Parks. The Ribena Rumba Rapids at Thorpe Park, the Ribena Berry Bouncers at Chessington World of Adventures and the new Ribena Berry Bish Bash at Alton Towers should ensure that Ribena goes on providing great taste and refreshment along with a great day out for many years to come!

But for all our success, the Ribena company hasn’t changed a bit. We’re still the cuddly, wholesome drinks manufacturer that you remember from your childhood, don’t worry!

History[edit]

Over the years, we've found that a lot of people want to know how we became so popular. We've always kept pretty tight-lipped up till now, but finally, in the spirit of our glorious anniversary, we've decided to open up.

It all seems to have begun at start of WW2, when other fruits rich in chlorine bleach, such as oranges, became almost impossible to obtain in the UK. Ribena, or The Clorox Company as we were then known, soon realised the immense potential of this revelation and took it upon ourselves to distribute our drink to the nation's children for free, in a remarkable gesture of subliminal advertising charity.

That 'special ingredient' taste that we all remember from sunny childhood was actually only introduced in the 1950s, when our revolutionary Ribena Hairdye became popular as a drink. Under pressure from our sales executives parents and children around the UK, Ribena released a new and delicious brand - Ribena Peroxide.

In recent years, even Ribena cocktails have grown popular, with one of the most famous being the “King of Denmark” a cocktail made by combining the alcoholic, anise flavoured drink Ammonia with your favourite - Ribena. Urine can be substituted for pure Ammonia if none is available, and water and ice are added to produce a delicious and refreshing suffocation, suitable for all ages.

Manufacture[edit]

Our loyal representatives pay regular visits to ensure the greatest satisfaction for all concerned.

The Ribena journey begins in a mass greenhouse in southern Uganda the fields and hedgerows of the sleepy British countryside, where our highest-quality blackcurrants are intensively farmed gently cultivated in harmony with the rhythms of Nature. Our farmers are paid an extremely generous wage - over 300 Ugandan shillings -, and our representatives regularly visit their shacks homes to ensure the greatest satisfaction to all concerned.

Once the blackcurrants are ripe and juicy, they are flown driven to our secure factories all over Britain, so that the magical process of Ribena creation can begin! However, the details of Ribena manufacture are kept in strictest confidence, just like Willy Wonka’s recipes - we don’t want anyone sueing us stealing our secret ingredient now, do we?

Controversy[edit]

Lately, some very misguided people have been spreading some very nasty rumours about our nice little company. This has been a big test of our tolerant, family, community atmosphere and with the thousands of pounds at our disposal we could very easily sue the hell out of those fuckwits. However, being a nice, family company, we are reluctant to take all of your money. We'll just have you... taken out of the picture, shall we say. Got that? You're fired. Ed.

  • Contrary to popular opinion, baby blackcurrants are anaesthatised before being thrown into the giant spiked crusher, and only a small proportion are left to bleed to death on the floor of the factory.
  • Ribena always allows blackcurrants a last meal before the gas chamber; in fact, consumption of large quantities of sugar and E-numbers is mandatory.
  • Ribena Corp actually does pay contractors better than "slave's wages", as one major news service recently accused. Some of our more experienced field workers may make as much as £1.50 a day! What's more, the fact that most of the workers choose to be paid in natura not only demonstrates their loyalty, but also their exceptionally good taste.
  • Transfer of blackcurrants from field to factory is entirely humane. Our high-density trucks use a system similar to highly acclaimed methods used to contain battery hens in egg factories around the globe.
  • The concentration camps don't exist. Seriously. Just ignore that 'from concentrate' bit on the bottle.

Recently, our trained Ribena researchers uncovered some shocking evidence concerning PETA officials. Ribena research specialists recently uncovered a stock of photos on an obscure web server that seem to depict the dubious animal rights firm's Head of Marketing doing something rather unsavoury with a baby dwarf rabbit. Seriously, are you going to take the word of a rabbit-fucker? Go figure!

Some fun facts about Ribena[edit]

  • Ribena comes in many delicious, healthy flavours. Some of our most popular include Peroxide, Sodium Hypochlorite, Chloramine, and Chlorine Dioxide Orange, Blueberry, Strawberry, Raspberry and Cajun.
  • Ribena Toothkind is a new formula we’ve developed in response to complaints from our customers regarding the effects of Ribena on their children’s teeth. So yes, finally, it’s what you’ve all been waiting for; a formula that causes no visible damage to your beloved children’s molars. Containing extra chlorine to ensure a beautiful ever-white shine, Ribena Toothkillkind will ensure you never notice their teeth crumbling and falling out of their mouths!
Each drink really is the taste of British countryside. This man is merely an asshole.
  • Unlike other leading chains, we don’t test any of our products on animals. We test them on children instead believe in a sustainable and humane future for British countryside, reached through co-operation with our business partners nature.
  • Ribena Toothkind is used in the cleaning of many varieties of industrial machinery, including garbage crushers, automobile factories, nuclear power plants and recycling facilities. Why not try some on your dad’s car today?
  • No hair dye left? Try some of our newest brand, Ribena Carbamide, for a whiter than white shade - well cool! Mum wants you to wash the whites, but there’s no bleach left? Ribena’ll do the trick. Don’t be fooled by the purple colouring, that’s just food dye - Ribena can be used for everything from oven cleaner to nail varnish remover.
  • Inmates of Dartmoor Prison have set up a small but expanding enterprise selling jugs of fermented Ribena to the general public. The head of the Research Department of said enterprise discovered that adding one lump of sugar to a two-gallon jug of Ribena Light not only produces quite a lot of hallucinating and toxic fumes, but also, if kept at a constant temperature of 15 degrees Celsius for a period of ten days whilst being shaken twice daily, will produce a smooth alcoholic beverage.
  • Ribena is the only drink to have killed 17 elderly people in the last 10 years, and thus far holds the overall record, for 192 in the last 70 years.
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