Rice burners

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Rice burners are short, their headlights look like slanted eyes, they are often yellow, and they go faster than Americans.

A rice burner, or ricer, is the name given to a Japanese car imported into the United States. Americans use this term to ridicule the Japanese car for the following reasons:

  • It costs half of what Detroit charges.
  • It leads the listings for safety, reliability, and ease of repair.
  • You never find a beer can rattling inside the door panel where an overpaid AFL-CIO factory-rat left it because the union wouldn't let him "grieve" the lack of flavored coffee in the lunchroom.

The ultra-low cost of these vehicles, and their shameless attention to fashion, have earned them the endearing nickname, "Jew's sports car." Gentiles, by comparison, proudly overpay for Fords.

The comparable, endearing nickname that the Japanese have for American vehicles is: "bloated, low-quality, uninspiring crap-wagons."

History[edit]

You won't believe this, but when your father was your age, the American car industry was in deep financial distress, which it blamed on the onslaught of unfairly priced cars from Japan. The Congress raced to the rescue with bail-outs and import restrictions.

Faced with a limit on the number of cars they could send to America, Japanese car companies switched to making high-quality luxury cars. They made a ton of profit with which, once the restrictions were lifted, they invaded all segments of the car market, gained dominance, and bought the state of Missouri. It has been converted to a Honda factory, so that most rice burners are now "American-made." Future limits on rice burners are impossible because it is impossible to tell what one is.

Rice burners today[edit]

Currently, the American car industry is in deep financial distress. However, President Barack Obama rejects restraint of international trade as part of "the mess I inherited" (sort of the way he also rejects free-trade treaties). And bail-outs are now unthinkable. Instead, the streamlined and libertarian U.S. government has simply taken over General Motors and Chrysler. It has firmly addressed the slothful unionized American work force by giving the unions 70% of the shares of the new companies.

Obama's vision is that U.S. car companies will manufacture environmentally sensitive, "green" cars that offer improved gas mileage and lower pollution. In perhaps only ten years, a car like the Prius will be available domestically.

Some American consumers have insisted on buying SUVs, large vehicles that won't collapse around their infants in a collision. These unpatriotic citizens don't realize that "you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs." Some might not even realize that Obama has solved this problem too, with Universal Health Coverage.

Other rice burners[edit]

The Chifa Palacio is right next door to the Happy Gut Soda Fountain.

Japanese motorcycles (or crotch rockets) are another form of rice burner. The U.S. government established numerical limits on the importation of these, too; and again the result was that the Japanese switched to large, high-profit vehicles. This was done to protect the domestic industry, which at the time consisted of exactly one corporation, and today consists of zero.

It increased the popularity of Honda motorcycles from the 1980s, because no one was making new bikes that small. Now, motor-scooters are re-emerging because of the astonishing discovery of countries with an even lower wage scale than Japan.

Speaking of which, the Palacio restaurant in Chiclayo, Peru is often a rice burner. Their unique boiled rice, served as a side dish, gives a char-broiled taste to any entrée.

See also[edit]