“My Saturn would go a lot faster if it had a spoiler and a sticker on it.”
“Vor shits und giggles, somevone should introduce ricers to ze Gluhareff Pressure Jet Engine. Zese engines, vhile ze most efficient type of practical compression ignition engine so far developed, have ze interesting characteristics zat most are home built und zat zey run on propane, a remarkably volatile fuel. Taking into account ze mechanical skills und common sense of ze average ricer, ze results should be rather entertaining from a safe distance.”
“I raid AutoZone every week after i get my paycheck and upgrade my car with useless stick-on crap for my '87 Civic, it all makes it go waaaaayyyy faster tho.”
A Ricer is a stupid young idiot who thinks he is a car expert after watching The Fast and the Furious, Pimp My Ride, and playing Need For Speed Underground. It is also used to describe the completely overrated car. Variations of this term include rice car, rice cooker, rice mobile, rice rocket, rice burner, and the most common fucking ricer idiot loser, <fontsize="1">check
The Dumb Philosophy
Ricers try "SOUPING UP" or "PIMPING" their "RIDES" by placing modifications on their cars that fail to increase the performance and, if anything, make the car look terrible and go slower. They have many different tastes, but in general they operate by the following philosophy: Neon, body-kits, fart cans and chrome will make the car faster, and they will get me laid with preps. Peanut Butter Jelly Time !
What is a Ricer?
A Ricer’s car is an automobile that has been cheaply modified to give the impression of high performance, but does not necessarily have any high-performance capabilities. They usually do this by buying typically (but not necessarily) cheap Japanese Import cars (hence the term “Rice”, though there's also the the term “Wheat” for American ricers & “Kraut” for German ricers.), and then installing as many “cool” visual modifications on their cars as they possibly can, usually the cheapest, without any regard to practicality, cost, style or taste. As opposed to car enthusiasts that modify and enhance the appearance of their cars, ricers don't usually care what they install, so style and quality is not an issue here. Often, these “modifications” end up costing so much that they ironically could have used that money to actually buy a better car.
Ricers are also known to drive around town with primer or shitty flat paint patches for an unlimited amount of time. If you're lucky, sometimes you can find a ricer with cardboard windows. Many ricers love this mod thinking it increases safety, handling, and horsepower. They are also known to never wash or clean any part of their cars whatsoever, resulting in rusty, primer patched "beauty spots". Some even tint their windows including the windshield to .000000001% which again in the belief that it increases the cars safety and horses under the hood.
They have a strong desire to spend hundreds upon thousands of dollars on unnecessary body-kits, chrome rims, HUGE mufflers, televisions and wings (spoilers) to their cars. Yet they will try to dismantle and destroy the rear seats, side panels etc and say it's to reduce weight. Most outstanding is the fact that in actuality they spend almost no money on upgrades to the engine, transmission, or anything else that really might make the car faster.
Ricers have a tendency to tell REAL car enthusiasts that their cars don't look fast enough to beat theirs. They tend to see themselves as able tuners of the motor racing world as they try to modify their cars by themselves and believe professional advice or help is useless because "The Fast And The Furious" or "The Speed Channel" taught them everything.
Ricers are also typically people who actually know very little if not nothing at all about the mechanics of cars. Hence they will often make poor installations of their said “modifications”, by doing things like putting wings tilted at ridiculous angles (either they point up or so far down its like a wall) on front wheel drive cars, even though it increases drag and decreases traction, making the car hazardous to drive at high speeds; painting it wild, eye burning neon colors with flames up the side of their cars that only serve to make the car look like a children’s toy; installing monstrous tachometers into a car which has automatic transmission; wasting money on atrocious body kits when they could've spent half of it lowering their car to improve handling; and so on.
Ricers foolishly believe that the average person is jealous of their $1100 econobox. They also believe that the laws of physics either don't apply in the vicinity of their car, or don't exist at all. This explains why they think that their body kits and spoilers make their cars go faster. After all, in Ricerland INCREASING frontal surface area somehow DECREASES drag. They also think that making their car sound like a cross between a weed whacker and a vacuum is impressive. Swerving through traffic and cutting as many people off as possible is an integral part of their faith. They also try to thwart the existence of speed bumps by making their cars so low that they cannot traverse these common obstacles. How they believe that this will exterminate speed bumps has been puzzling scientists for the last few decades. When it's pointed out that NO expensive sports cars or race cars are front wheel drive, they get all offended and maintain that it's just because the manufacturers of these genuine sports cars are less intelligent than the ricer community. They characteristically have large rims on their cars, and are oblivious to the fact that larger rims actually decrease acceleration and braking.
If you are still unsure of what a ricer is, you must drive to a local Burger King at anytime from 9-12PM. This can be for 1 of 2 reasons. 1: They are working there to afford those 2 dollar vents from Autozone. 2: They spent all their money on their fart can so they are forced to dine there. Ricers can be easily recognized: They are the ones that are sitting in a group complimenting one another's piles of "THATS BITCH PIMPIN'YO!" or the ones doing massive useless burnouts in their mom's Durango. They are also the one's who rev at you with their '95 Ford Escort at a stoplight. Ricers love to street race. You must not look at them for too long though, you'll lose 32 brain cells for every 10 seconds you look. In addition to the loss of brain cells you will make the ricers feel like awesome sauce because they think you are staring because it looks good.
Dealing With Ricers
When forced into communication with a ricer, head nodding while thinking about actually nice cars is a good way to survive their logic free conversations about how painting the plastic bits of their interior increases their car's top speed by 250mph. Some ricers are hard to convince because not only do they spend their free time in their car, but they also stay up at night making illogical explanations why every thing he put on his car was necessary. Kind of like why he put a 2 and a half foot tall spoiler that point almost straight up in the middle of his Honda Civic hatchback's roof.
Due to the danger of severe IQ drops, scientists recommend never talking to a ricer for more than 17.6 seconds, if trapped into a conversation for longer than this, ask them why all muscle, sports and super cars have rear wheel drive. If this fails, it is recommended that you find the nearest sharp object and stick it in your eye, thus creating a reason to break off the conversation. Sticking said object in the ricer's eye/tires works just as well, with the added bonus of no pain to you.
If you are still confused on what rice is, you are probably a ricer.
Common Cars Used By Ricers
Depending on the "RICE FACTOR" they use different cars. The rice factor is a way of rating how RICE that person may be out of 100. The higher the number, the more rice the person is for buying that car. The Car itself is not what makes a ricer, but what the ricer does to the said car. (note: the car is not rated just the person who riced it out.)
Mazdaspeed 3/6 150 - 200
Mazda 3/6 120-140
Mazda RX-7 300000-400000
Citroen 2CV** - 100-110
Citroen Saxo* (Any year) 200-300
Honda Super Cub (any year) - 90-100
Honda RA108 - 0 (Thankfully, there is no way in hell a ricer will ever afford a Formula One car. Even if they could, they could not fit any more wings on it if they tried, or screw the aerodynamics as badly as Honda did.)
Honda Civic (any year) - off the hook crazy numbers that the ricers can't count to.
Honda CRuXify (any year) - 80-85
Mitsubishi SpaceWagon (1995 - 2005) - 85-95
LanRicer (1990 - 2006) - 90-100
Nissan ChainSaw (1989-1998) - 90-95
Nissan Sunny*** (non 4WD versions) - 70
Peugeot 403 Pickup* - 60-70
Suzuki Alto (1979-1982)* - 75
Toyota Starlet (-1989) - 40-45
Toyota Celica (1990-2003) - 90-110
Toyota Corollary (19xx-1999) - 45-50
Toyota AE86 Trueno/Levin (1983-1987) - 50-70 - While to most people the AE86 is just a respectable car which makes up for it's lower horsepower with it's small size, handling, balance and ride, in effect making it "The Little Car That Could", tragically Ricers who have been watching too much Initial D come under the influence that they can become "Drift Kings" by purchasing these classic cars and mutilating them with atrocious bodykits. This ironically goes against the motif of the show Initial D anyway: That a drivers skill is more important than what they drive.
Vauxhall MiniNova* (80-99) - 30 ( 50 if a Chav )
VW Type2 (19xx-1999) - 45-50
Vauxhall Corsa* (1982 - 1999) 100-200
And pretty much any Japanese import.
*=This car is not normally available in the USA.
**=This car is rare in the USA.
***=This car was available in the USA under the Datsun brand, with various designations. In 1982, it was renamed to the Nissan Sentra.
Common "MODIFICATIONS" Used By Ricers
Spoilers and Bodykits
- A 20" spoiler; which most of the time is tilted in such a way that it doesn't produce any down-force so is just there for "looks".
- A body kit that is installed in in belief that it will increase engine power because of playing racing games.
- White unpainted body kits clearly a different color than the vehicle (the material body kits are made out of is white)
- Chrome Hubcaps
- Chrome strips around the edges of the car. Note that fake chrome is even better than real chrome as in addition to making a car "rice" it makes it "ghetto" as well. This is important to ricers because many are also wiggers.
- Dinosauric-in-size tachometers with massive shift lights on the dashes of cars with automatic transmissions. The light comes on around redline (a.k.a. max power), indicating the proper power band into which to dump the transmission into 'D'
- Tachometers that go up to an enormous amount of RPM (e.g. around 11000rpm), even though their cars can only go up to around 7000 rpm when opened up all the way.
- Boost gauge attached to the A-pillar with double sided tape, with the vac lines hooked up to nothing because there is no turbo...yet
- Huge bright blinking shift lights, you know, just in case you forgot that you have to shift to drive.
- Neon lights under the car
- So much chrome it can blind the blind
- Toyota Altezza-style clear tail light
- Transformers Stickers (Deceptacons preferred over Autobots, as they go harder)
- Disgusting paint spray jobs.
- Stickers and decals depicting brands and devices in no way related to the car (i.e. Nismo stickers on a Mitsubishi, VTEC stickers/badges on clearly non-VTEC car, type R stickers on Mustangs)
- Slapping large Japanese stickers on the side for added HP.
- Stickers under the mirrors advertising parts clearly not equipped on the vehicle. (Garrett/Greddy/etc turbo stickers in a naturally aspirated car, Eibach Racing Springs on simply cut stock springs etc)(On a car that actually is equipped with these items, these stickers are known as "steal-me" stickers)
- Double wiper blades in the summer or on location of a country that gets no hard rain during any time of the year
- Bright painted grills, rims, stock spoilers, trims, wipers and other parts.
- The bottom of their cars are dented due to the speed bumps in parking lots.
- Faulty wiring on sound systems
- A flat screen TV near subwoofers (The magnets in the subwoofers distort the picture and will eventually destroy TV screens)
- Flat Screen Televisions on the back of the front seats, even though they have removed the back seats
- Spending 5 times the value of the base car on speakers
- Having a sound system that sounds like junk only because it looks "cool"
- Having a sound system that only reproduces bass frequencies so that you can't hear the other instruments. Bonus points if the bass speakers are incorrectly installed and vibrate or rattle when turned up.
- Suspension springs cut to have a lowered look, but usually causes damage by speed bumps(note: lowering the car PROPERLY does help in a way of stability, but by no means should anyone cut springs for it is utter stupidity to do so)
- Putting High Grip and thick rubber tires on the rear wheels even though the car is Front Wheel Drive.
- Claim that the wing on the back help the stability and rear wheels track better on a front wheel drive car.
- Fart cans that make the cars sound like souped up blenders, or a dying moose.
- A 'dual exhaust' setup in which only one pipe is actually functional.
- Nitrous bottles that aren't actually connected to the engine.
- Many buttons and switches connected to absolutely nothing, but give that 'professional drag racer' look.
- Air filter, added in the belief that it will add 50BHP.
- Black painted panels that they say are carbon fiber, though clearly they aren't (usually done to the hood)
- Spending 40-50 bucks on every oil change by buying synthetic oil and quality oil filter for their riced cars, hoping that it'll lubricate their engine parts and car will be twice as fast. In reality all they do is prevent internal engine parts from corroding, wearing in order to make your car run smoothly.
- While technically not a modification, every Ricer believes that their car has VTEC. VTEC is a variable valve timing system developed by Honda. Though it merely retains peak efficiency of the engine throughout its rev range, the common ricer believes it gives them an 'instant' power boost, much like when a turbo builds up enough boost to cause a noticeable increase in power. Even ricers with non-Honda cars believe that VTEC exists in their engine. (VTEC is similar to having tall cams however it "turns on" during high RPMs)
Most ricers do these activities when they get together. (Note: they have a phobia of corners and anything Hemi or Hemi-related)
- Spilling oil, Gasoline on the ground and doing burnouts. (waste of rubber and oil)
- Accelerating and being loud on any piece of straight road but not actually gaining much speed.
- Attempting to drift by pulling the hand-brake in a Civic.
- Showing up to a drag racing meet and talking like they are regulars.
- Getting completely and utterly pwnt by real drag racers.
- Giving the most ridiculous excuses for being beat in a race (i.e. Their ECU chip has a virus, therefore, the car cannot drive as fast as it should.)
Intimidation and Impersonation
- Having one hand on the steering wheel and one hand on the shifter (sometimes even when the car is automatic) and TRYING to look imposing.
- Arrogant revving at stop lights to try to intimidate near by drivers.
- Showing off their large exhaust pipes by putting the car into neutral while accelerating.
- Talking about their slotted disc brakes and how good the braking is....even though the slots will destroy the brake setup. True enough the slots remove moisture (rain from road) and holes help cool the rotor, but these should only be used in real racing, not on the street unless replacing brake pads every 2 months is normal for you.
- Complementing the paint job on brake calipers, "yo that painted rust looks TIGHT."
- They point out their low profile tires like they have a lot of grip. (Lower profile tires do have some benefit to a cars handling, but there is a limit to how narrow the sidewalls can be before the lack of sidewall flex impacts handling. Ricers prefer their tires to have a maximum sidewall thickness of about half an inch. Thankfully, such tires (as well as the wheels they are mounted on) are notoriously vulnerable to potholes.)
- They avoid hills and speed-bumps because their body kits have lowered their car to such an insane degree that they can't go up them.
- When talking about cars, they use very vague and general terms to try and hide the fact that they don't know what they are talking about. For example, when talking about what's "under the cars hood" they will describe it by saying how many "G's" it cost, because they really have no idea what is going on in there.
- Believing and obtaining knowledge about cars from every propaganda that aftermarket car part products say in the description of their product.
- Telling their mothers to buy them Civics so they can be 'in'.
- Talking to their girlfriend (her name is R. Hand) and friends like they know something about cars.
- Trying to talk "street" by using funny sounding words they heard off rap CD's and throwing their arms around in weird gestures, oblivious to the fact everyone thinks they look like idiots.
- General poser behavior.
- And they use the spoiler to push their 10+ year old car when it breaks down because it was setup incorrectly by a complete idiot, while their dumbass friends tape every minute of it.
Where They Meet
They meet at gas stations and theater parking lots, most likely because they feel the need to act like street racers after watching Pimp My Ride, The Fast And The Furious or some sort of show that tells them to do so.
At these meetings they do what a lot of ricers do: talk about their cars like the body-kit on that Corolla DX just gave that guy a 30 horsepower boost.
Here are some examples on ricer talk:
At some parking lot
Ricer 1 - "Look at those chromes bro."
Ricer 2 - "I bet those are light weight"
Ricer 1 - "Must be, chromes are the lightest thing on the freakin' market!"
Another parking lot
Ricer 3 - "Just by looking at that wing, I'm sure he has at least 10 freakin' grand under that hood."
Ricer 4 - "He also has a NOS AND an NX sticker, he must have two separate systems!"
Ricer 3 and 4 - "WHOOOAAAA...."
At yet another location
Ricer 5 - "My Civic is the fastest thing around this neighborhood."
Ricer 6 - "2 Gs says I can beat you to the police station."
Ricer 5 - "What makes you say that?"
Ricer 6 - "I converted my B16 engine in my Civic to a rota! (Rotary or Wankel is the proper term but ricers are too stupid to even tell differences between different types of rotary engines, so I shouldn't even be bothering to explain)
Ricer 5 - "OMG! STFU ARE YOU KIDDING?"
Real Car Enthusiast - "What type of rotary?"
Ricer 6 - "You know, ROTA! Jeez don't you know anything about cars?"
At A Gas Station
Ricer 7 - Check my new intercooler!
Ricer 8 - Whoa coolz!
Real Car Enthusiast - Where the hell's the turbo?
Ricer 7 - You don't need a turbo to have an intercooler! What a freakin' dumbass...
At a race circuit a ricer just lost against a Real Car Enthusiast:
Ricer 9 - You only beat me cause you have a freakin' turbo!
Real Car Enthusiast - My car is naturally aspirated....
Ricer 9 - That's what they all say... (Has no idea what that guy just said.)
In a living room
Ricer 10 - Oh bro, check out da chromes, Chingy styles!
Ricer 11 - Yea, damn straight, they added a forced induction kit to the 240 SuX.
Ricer 10 - Yea...(blanking out confused)
Ricer 11 – That’s when dey chuck induction by force, into the VTEC DOHC twin B13 rota.
Ricer 10 - Eh? I betta get me some of dat shiet!
Both leave room, putting down Classical Cars magazine.
A Ricer is showing his car to a Real Car Enthusiast
Ricer 12 - Yo man! Check out my ride! It's got every single freakin' mod you can think of on it!
Real Car Enthusiast - Oh really...?
Ricer 12 - Yo! If da modz been made it's on my freakin' ride foo!
Real Car Enthusiast - Hmmm. Yes... Tell me, does it have a DMX 120 Interloper on it?
Ricer 12 - Errr... No I don't have one of those yet, but I'm thinking 'bout it yo!
Real Car Enthusiast - I just made that up you moron.
A Ricer is being loud and low brow at a gas station, trying to pick a fight with you because you don't want to race him.
Ricer 13 - What up dog, you got one of them F14 motors in your civic?
Me - No, this has a d15b7. About 90HP to the wheels.
Ricer 13 - Oh, snap, dog! You gotz to be sprayin' the shit out of it at 30 psi, you can waste a new Z06 (Which has 505 BHP, 474 lb-ft. of torque and does 0-60 in 3.7 seconds.)
Me - No, Its just my daily commute. Its entertaining enough to drive as is, I don't want to break any stock internals
Ricer 13 - (Confused look) Shit, dog, You gotz to slam and spray that bitch put quad turbos on it too, cuz I went to UTI and they taught me all that cool shit!
Me - I went to UTI also, but instead of fucking around in the halls on my cellphone, I paid attention in class. I'm now master ASE certified and I'm also a silver level Honda technician. And when I save enough money, I'll buy a car that is scalable and easy to modify, instead of dumping 20 grand into my 12 year old rusty shitbox, so I can sell it for 2 grand in a year or so.
Ricer 13 - Aw, snap. You just gotz to get wit it, I've blown up more rides than you'll ever own.
Me - Are you bragging or complaining? Please go kill yourself. You are a leech on society.
The situation: Ricers often believe that, while their cars are obviously superior to anything on the road, it would be nice to have a more recognizable car (I.E. a Hero Car from the F&F.) Thus, whenever presented with a situation to purchase one, they will attempt to, out of the goodness of their hearts, trade their "completed masterpiece" to someone in order to "spread the love."
The Ricer approaches APU Supra at informal meet:
Ricer - Yo dawg! That twin turbo supra with the 2JZ is off da hook!
Supra Owner - Actually, I converted to a single turbo kit. I'm putting down about 1000 rwhp no spray.
Ricer - Yo dawg...what'd you do that for??? With parts overnighted from Japan and a coupla bottles of Nawz, you should be running 9's in no time. But I'll tell you what. My Integra over there is sitting on 22's with a B18 swap and she's making about 1200 rwhp no nawz, and I'm thinking about throwing a turbo in there. I'll trade you straight up. My teg for your supra. I'll even let you keep the wing, even though it would look great on the supra.
Supra Owner - Please go jizz on your poster of Paul Walker. My turbo cost more than your entire car.
Ricer commenting on the Ferrari-Shell commercial on YouTube
Ricer - All dat money for this unimpressive slow crap. (Obviously has never seen a Formula One car at race speed, and a single bolt on even the oldest F1 car in the commercial (mid-1950's) is probably worth more than his entire car , before he even got his hands on it)
Real Car Enthusiast - Slow crap? So I bet your Civic with glasspacks and a rear wing can do better?
White guy wearing fitted hat sideways - Holla, ey yo mane did u check out dat Fast n Furious movie, ey yo ide fucks wit that man that movie was beyond tight, especially da part where it showed Vin Diesels car inside the engine all 3-d n' shit when he pressed his NAWZ button n' fire was all up in that shit!
Real Car Enthusiast - I saw that man, I left that movie wondering why he shifted like 9 times on the highway. Too bad the movie showed the engine with Camshafts and Pistons when in reality the car Vin Diesel was driving was an RX-7 and everyone knows those have rotary engines and it's not possible for it to have pistons....
White guy wearing fitted hat sideways- (bewildered) Whats a rotary yo?
A driver is sitting in his car at a red light, when a Ricer pulls up beside him in his moms ricermobile. The Ricer revs his engine a few times
Driver - What do you want?
Ricer - Yo dog, I see yo ride is an Eight-Six like mine. Sweet ass ride man.
Driver - What the... Oh your car is an AE86? Sorry I didn't recognise it under all those spoilers, body-kits and speakers. Yeah my car is an Eight-Six, and it's a pretty good car, but in the end it's still just a 20 year old bucket of bolts that I only have because I can't get rid of it.
Ricer - Yo' foo' what is yo yakkin about?! If yo just maxed dat shit out with a low grill on da front, da new body kit from Wall-Mart, and a green and orange paint job, yo' will pick up da hoes in no time! Some speakers to full up all that empty space in yo back would help too.
Driver - Hate to break this to you kid, but nobody cares about any of those "modifications" you put on your car. What do you think that makes you look cool? You look like an idiot driving a turd on wheels! If I were to ever modify my car, which I wouldn't because if I could afford that, I'd just buy a better car instead. Short of, say, swapping the 1.6 Litre 16-valve 4A-GE engine with a 2 Litre 20c-valve Engine, I'd probably do something substantial like bore the cylinders, add a forced induction kit, and work the suspension and camshafts, rather than put all those speakers, spoilers, body-kits and other shit on that only serve to make the car heavier and add drag!
Ricer - (Who lost track of what the other guy was saying after he said "1.6 Litre) Uhh... Yo sucka, that's sound like a challenge to me! Next green light!
Driver - I'm not going to race you. What on Earth would that prove? That my totally stock AE86 could beat yours because all your precious "mods" have only ended up making the car slower?
Ricer - You dead meat foo! (To his blow up doll in the passenger seat) Buckle up baby!
The light turns green, the Driver just accelerates away normally not racing, but never the less beats the ricer who's car reaches a top speed of 20kph before bursting into flames
At the local race track, some guy with a '78 Camaro Z28 is talking with his friends when some ricer walks up to him & interrupts the conversation.
Ricer - Yo homeslice, you wanna race me?
Camaro owner - (Slightly confused look on face) I'm sorry, what did you just say to me?
Ricer - Ey, you deaf foo'!? I asked you if you wanna race!
Camaro owner - No thanks. I appreciate the offer, but racing you would just be a waste of my time.
Ricer - Aw come on, you just scared 'cuz you know my Civic would totally smoke that piece of crap excuse fo' a car you got there!
Camaro owner - Piece of crap!? Well, let me tell you something, you lamebrain. My car is equipped with a 350 cubic inch V8 that puts out 185 horsepower. Now, that might not be as powerful as earlier versions of the 350, but this engine is stock. Your bucket of bolts, however, would need plenty of performance modifications to beat my car.
Ricer - Yo, I got plenty of mods on my ride. I threw a rota under the hood & slapped 10 G's worth of mods on it. With that huge wing & big exhaust, I'm gonna flat out WASTE your ride, dawg!
Camaro owner - OK, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll race a few laps with you. How does 3 laps sound?
Ricer - Yeah boi, now that's what I'm talkin' about! Prepare to be smoked!
Thus, the two get into their respective cars & head out to the starting line. The green flag is waved & the two are off. Obviously, the Camaro wins over the Civic. The two drivers talk with each other after the race.
Camaro owner - Good race, son. Better luck next time, maybe.
Ricer - Ey, you just won because my VTEC didn't kick in, yo!
Camaro owner - Shut up, you don't even know what that means.
Ricer 1 - Yo dawg, I just increased my HP to 700 with dis new body kit and led muffler
Ricer 2 - For real man, that ain't nothing, mah VTAAACCKK gives me 1230 HP when it kicks in
Ricer 1 -Damn man, lets race though the middle of town, right past the school!
Ricer 2 - Fo sho man! I hear the kids are playing out near the road at this time of day! That's not dangerous in the slightest!
30 minutes later, the instant they pass the school...'
Cop - License and registration please...
Other Quotes From Ricers
“Man who da frick cares if I coulda buyed a Bugatti Veyron wit da green I spendin on my Civic, damn dis THANG is freakin tight, bro!”
“Man dose damn piece a shit Italian cars Pagani or whatever da fuck, dey ain't worth freakin shit bro!”
“Where da frick are da body kits? Bro dese games freakin suck, man”
“Ten out a ten, man, freakin awesome!”
Notice words such as "bro", "man", "freakin", "wit", "thang", "green" and "da". This is because every single ricer is a wigger. And guess what-they suck at acting like black people, which is no surprise as be because ricers can't accomplish anything they attempt.
How Ricers Spread
You should also note to yourself that ricers have since been brainwashing little kiddies by movies, games and TV shows that show that ricers are cool... THEY'RE NOT! These are some of the brands that have been slowly and successfully been spreading the ricer way of life:
- The Fast And The Furious Series: Remember kids, shifting up gears at random moments and flames coming out of you exhaust pipe means you're going very fast; Those cars must have in excess of 13 gears. Most likely taken from a Semi truck.
- Need For Speed Underground series: Body-kits, neons and wings get you on magazines and hot babes start flocking to you.
- Pimp My Ride: Candy paint jobs and TVs where you can't see them are cool; like under the car, by the spare tire.
Moral of the Story
Well you should have figured out by now that ricers suck - they waste gas, rubber and other products that could have been used by some hobo or given to a recycling center. Yes, ricers are arrogant, idiotic fools that Mr. T would not bother to pity.
You should pity their cars, for those cars could have had a better purpose in everyday use, or could have been modified by proper car enthusiasts and not look so shitty.
If you are 17, and you find yourself in a Civic, remember that it is an A-B car. If you want a fast car, wait a few years and get a proper one - don't waste your money modifying a Civic.
Ricers are as you see them. If you are interested in changing/modifying your cars engine and other performance capabilities, and are doing it wisely, do so. Any car can become a project. Just steer clear of yellow/silver paint jobs. Also steer clear of aftermarket body upgrades unless you actually need them because your car's drag is too strong.
Sport compacts are not a total waste of time or money, but be mindful of how much you invest, and remember performance and modesty in aesthetics is key. Stay away from the ridiculous wings and gaudy body kits. Invest in an engine swap or tuned forced induction setup if you want to have a true tuner car.
The Ricer Test
By now you should know that Ricers are nothing but bad news and you should avoid meeting one at all costs. However, there is something much worse than meeting a Ricer, actually being a Ricer. To help you find out if you are a Ricer and therefore should see a Psychologist or (preferably) leap of the nearest cliff, here is a handy Test.
1. What is the best modification you can do to your Honda Civic?
a) Buy a sound system.
b) Get wheel mods’ such as spinners, chromes, or wheels that are 4 times bigger then they should be.
c) Buy a more powerful engine.
d) Sell the car, and use that money plus what you were going to spend on the modification to buy a better car.
e) Fart can.
f) buy a wing with LEDs
Answer: In this case, the most right answer is d, because there is no point in investing 12 thousand dollars in a 3 thousand dollar car, when you could just sell the car and spend 15 thousand dollars on a better car. C is the second most right answer, because it is something that will actually considerably change the performance from the 90hp POS it was. All other answers are wrong Ricer answers, with F being the worst.
2. What are the best wheels you can get?
c) Chrome spinners.
d) Wheels with only inch thick tires.
Answer: If you answered this question you are a ricer.
EXCEPTION: In certain cases, adding a different pair of stock rims for the same car can enhance it's appearance, for example, putting Rally wheels on a Chevy Nova.
3. How loud should your music be when you are driving?
a) Loud enough to hear it.
b) Loud enough so people outside the car can hear it.
c) Loud enough so you can’t hear the engine.
d) Loud enough so you can’t hear people honking their horns and screaming at you to turn down the music, and then their heads explode from the deafening noise.
Answer: In a ranking from most Rice to least Rice, it goes d, c, b, a.
4. How do you know how to modify your car?
a) You are a mechanic.
b) You have seen a couple of episodes of “Pimp My Ride”.
c) You sought professional advice.
d) You have a friend who is a mechanic and guides you every step of the way.
Answer: Isn’t it obvious? Well for a Ricer no, so the Ricer answer is b.
5. Where should you race?
a) On a race track.
b) On a legally designated street circuit.
c) On an illegally designated street circuit.
d) Aimlessly hooning around your suburb not going anywhere in particular, and just causing danger/annoyance to the public.
Answer: D is 100% ricer. A and B are where real racers go, with C being where real racers will sometimes show up just to beat the crap out of Ricers.
6. Why do you put visual modifications on your car?
a) To make it look cool.
b) To make it faster.
c) So you can be in with the cool crowd.
d) Because “Need for Speed Underground” and “The Fast and the Furious” tell you too.
e) It's not all about looks! Body kit add at least 200 bhp to the car.
Answer: Another trick question, all these answers make you a Ricer.
EXCEPTION: As long as you don't put on anything tacky, such as huge wings, goofy body kits, puke green paint, and so on, then visual modifications are OK.
7. How do you drift a car through a corner?
a) Enter the corner at high speed, then without slowing down, turn in such a way that the weight of the car is thrown sideways.
b) Enter the corner at high speed, and then apply the foot break to shift the center of gravity of the car to the front, and then turn to slide out the back wheels.
c) Pull on the hand break, turn and hope for the best.
d) During a corner, accelerate extra hard to spin the back wheels and slide out the back.
Answer: Another trick question as all the answers are actually right. A Ricer does not know how to drift. However, C while still being right, is the lamest way to drift.
8. When confronted by a street race you KNOW you cannot win, what do you do?
a) Race and accept defeat normally
b) You cannot lose. You have an 81 civic with 89" plastic hubcaps and a 4 foot spoiler. THATS LIKE +8000hp!
c) Cap dat foo
d) Talk about your "Mad" speed skill and attempt intimidation
Answer The only incorrect answers are B and D. A is the Ideal answer and C is acceptable.
9. What operating system does your car run?
a) Why on Earth would my car have an operating system?
b) Me having attached my iPod to my 108dB car speakers
c) Windows Warez to show moviez on your sunscreen 18" flatpanel
d) Chiptuned da engine over 100% optimization but now da engine won't start
e) Gentoo with --funroll-loops and ReiserFS-4 of coz ya freakin moron
Answer A is ideal, B, C and D are for wannabe-ricers, E makes you über-reiser.
Score: If you answered wrong on 1 or 2 of the questions, you are in immediate danger of being a ricer. If you got more then 4 wrong, please go outside and shoot yourself. If you got them all wrong, there is no need to shoot yourself, as you will be killed by a real car enthusiast in the near future.
YOU MIGHT ALSO BE A RICE BOY IF ...
... you find yourself using the excuse "yo, but you gots twice as many cylindas, dude" after EVERY race.
... you drive a 4 door 'type R' (actually JDM civics come in 4-door type R).
... your gumby pants make it hard to shift.
... more than 20 of your mods involve shielding what is actually underneath.
... you have stickers that even most Asians don't get.
... you have stickers for parts you don't have and in languages you don't speak.
... you refer to 50hp as the 'big shot'.
... your car has so much camber it can drive on its side.
... when you drive by the VFW, WWII veterans run for shelter.
... your exhaust tip diameter is 4 times the inner diameter of the rest of your exhaust system.
... you have 'power by' anything anywhere on a car made by the engine manufacturer.
... birds make nests on your spoiler because its taller than the trees.
... you sell crack for the image...not the money.
... you have 'N/T' polished on the side of car and you don't know what bracket racing is...
... you will only race if the other guy removes four spark plugs.
... you can't race uphills.
... you have "All Motor" emblazoned on your rear hatch right next to your 14.50 dial-in
... you brag that you have nitrous and a 14.50 dial-in.
... your exhaust system for your 1.8L is bigger than most Pro-stock cars.
... you spent more money on stickers and stripes than your parents paid for your car.
... you go to a performance shop and immediately start rummaging through the decal bin.
... you go to a performance shop that even has a decal bin.
... your tach is bigger than your head.
... you have a shift light and your car is an automatic.
... you refuse to race because your Corolla is a "show car".
... your only mods are cut factory springs and a 5" chrome exhaust tip.
... at Autocross events you don't participate because you have a drag race setup and at drag events you brag about kicking ass on the autocross.
... you have more lights on the front of your car than the USS Voyager.
... you brag about a turbo kit that never seems to get installed.
... your exhaust sounds like a dying Moose.
... your bright green $300 air filter is bigger than your engine.
... you have a fire extinguisher in your car where everyone can see it. And for real car enthusiasts, it only serves as a symbol of their hope that your car will burst into flames when you rev it up to your tachometer's 10,000 RPM redline.
... you shop for parts at the mall kiosk.
... you have a type-R badge on your truck.
... you have altezza lights and your car is neither and original toyo altezza, is300, or RX300 (actualy Kouki lights for Nissans looks like altezza lights).
... You have spinners on your Ford Contour/other ricebox.
... You buy aftermarket parts at Wal-mart.
... You can stick your head into your cars exhaust pipe.
... You sound like you're doing over 150 mph, but really you're hitting about 30.
... Your dad's pissed, because there are coffee grounds in the kitchen sink and your new exhaust tip says 'Folgers' on the side.