“Richard Feynman. Knock, knock, who's there?”
“Physics is to sex what masturbation is to math... or was it....”
“If you think you understand quantum theory, you don't understand Mrs. Field's Cookies.”
“Hey, Sagan. Don't bogart that joint.”
Richard P Feynman (surname pronounced WHy AYE-man) was one of the most influential American physicists of the 20th Century. The P stands for π. His parents were both of Pastafarian decent, but they did not regularly practice their faith. This allowed Feynman to question parrot orthodoxy, which led to his Unification theory which stated that toucans are really just parrots from a very colorful dimension. This underlying natural symmetry was to form the basis of much of his future work.
The Lost Alamo Years
Feynman traveled to the Alamo in order to help a dude named Pee-wee Herman find his lost acting career. While in the basement of his mother's house, he met up with a bunch of other nerds who were working on a secret project for the King of Manhattan. Feynman decided to join them and aided with the creation of the first Frootomic Bomb, which was dropped on Tuva at the end of World War I, and on San Francisco sometime before last Thursday. He became bored so he occupied himself by picking the other physicists' noses, an experience that he wrote about in his book, "Surely You Have No Life, Mr. Feynman". When the Mexicans attacked the fortress, led by Santa Anna, Feynman escaped by boring them to death with his lectures on physics. Feynman visited the aftermath of the Frootomic Bomb in San Francisco several decades later. He expressed his deep heart-felt remorse that his work was used by the military to create so many flaming homosexuals.
Right Before He Croaked: the O-ring demo
Later in life, he was a member of the panel which investigated the explosion of the Space Shuttle Challenger. During the final ten seconds of the first Space Shuttle launch, Feynman famously dipped a rubber prophylactic O-Ring (a.k.a The Feynman Diaphragm) into cold water while the world's press ignored him and concentrated on the launch. A brief but intense flash of light ensued (most of Feynman's research at the time was in the field of zero-gee sex). The demonstration was ostensibly to prove that some birth control methods are not safe at low temperatures. Thereafter, federally-approved condoms must have "endorsed by Nobel Laureate RP Feynman" embossed into the rubber.
Later in the investigation, Feynman made the startling revelation that Froot Loops tend to get mushy if left in milk too long. This was a major breakthrough in the case, since several key component were made of Froot Loops (referred to in technical literature as an O-Ring, or the One Frooty Ring Which Rules Them All!). Feynman suggested using Cap'n Crunch instead, because they don't get soggy. (DUH!) In addition, Feynman also suggested using Quantum Froot Loops instead of transistors, which improved the performance of the on-board computers immensely. For his work, Feynman was one of the recipients of the Nobel Prize in Applied Froot Loop Theory.
Though his idle contributions in the field of applied physics won him much fame, Feynman is most known for his Lay-man principle in sociology. Many are those who have avoided social blunders by following it's mandatory advice:
If you buy a girl a drink before you ask if you can fuck her, you'll never score. But if you serve her some Froot loops drenched in fresh clemen, that bitch will be your little whore.
The Double-slut experiment consists of flicking a single Froot Loop towards two sluts, then observing where the Froot Loop lands. This experiment demonstrated an important scientific fact -- Even though most of the time the Froot Loop will just end up on the floor, sometimes the Froot Loop will completely and unexpectantly disappear from our universe. This experiment demonstrates conclusively that two sluts can potentially interfere with the free-motion of Froot Loops in flight by sucking them down into their black hole.
Feynman surmised that a Froot Loop which had been sucked into one black hole would re-appear in another black hole elsewhere in the galaxy. He spent the remainder of his life attempting to prove this theory by hanging around in strip clubs several hours a day. But despite all of this hard work, he never directly observed a Froot Loop re-emerging from a new black hole.
While on his death-bed, Feynman was asked if he felt remorse about wasting so much time on this theory, yet never producing any results. Feynman's last words reportedly were, "There ain’t nothing boring about staring into several new black holes every night. How can you even ask such a ridiculous question? Are you fucking gay?!?"
Must have swagger to the power of infinity.
In his efforts to cleanse Nu-Electromagnetics, he slashed the notorious D, winning respect, fame, and an everlasting bizarre symbol embedded in every equation therefrom, christened "The Feynman Slash".
Feynman was a keen and influential popularizer of fruit loops in both his and lectures. He is also famous for his many adventures with Bob the Fruit Loop, detailed in the books
- Surely You Have Fruit Loops, Mr. Feynman!
- What Do You Care About Fruit Loops?
- The Fruit Loop within.
- Six Easy Fruit Loops.
- Six Not-So-Easy Fruit Loops.
- The Fruit Loop Lectures on Physics.
- The Da Vinci Cereal Code.
- Fruit Loops in his Bi-plane.
- "The whole universe is in a bowl of Froot Loops... I shit you not!
- "I can live with doubt and uncertainty and not knowing. But I can't live without my Froot Loops.
- "What I cannot eat, I do not understand"
- When you are eating a bowl of Froot Loops, don't worry. Now, after you have eaten the last bowl, then that's the time to worry.
- "Fruit Loops are as much the centre of the universe as the centre of the universe isn't."
- "Swallowing Fruit Loops whole results in swiss cheese turds."
- "If you think you understand quantum fruit loops, you don't understand quantum... wait, what? Sorry, I'm so fucking high. Sagan, pass me summa that ill buddha."