Ringo Starr

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ringo Starr.

“ Ringo can sniff crack with only one nostril!”

~ John Lennon on Ringo Starr

“He'd have been nothing without me. We all know that.”

~ Pete Best on public opinion

RichardStanley Barbecue Shark-Nose Argos Liverpool Smallheadicus Nil Sellotape Starkey, more well known as Ringo Starr, The Best Drummer In The World Ever Called Ringle, or That Nose With A Short Guy Attached To It, was conceived and brought to this world in 1940. Best known for being the disembodied voice in Thomas the Tank Engine (as well as Mr. Conductor on Shining Time Station!), he is a famous-ish drummer and octopus enthusiast, Ringo made his living by being a Beatle. No, not the bug, but a member of this one band called... What was it? Oh yeah, The Beatles. Maybe you've heard of them? Well anyway, with his popularity, he scored with Barrack Obama, showing the public that even Blue Meanies needed some love.

I think I forgot to mention that HE HAS BLISTAS ON HIS FINGAS!

Early Years[edit]

Born on July 7, 1940, Richard Starkey, stark naked, was announced as a healthy nose. However, as time crept on, this was proven to be wrong, and Richard spent many of his childhood years in the hospital suffering from diseases including hay fever, flu, yellow fever, AIDS, the black plague, hepatitis A, B, and C, cabin fever, SARS, swine flu, herpes, chicken pox, small pox, mad cow disease, Beatlemania, appendicitis, crabs and chlamydia.Young Richard benefited from these horrid stays, for he found his drumming talent one lonely evening after bashing his head (with blunt objects) to produce sounds in a rhythmic pattern. After release from the hospital, at the age of 15, Richard was quoted "It feels good to play with a bruised head!"

Amazingly surviving to see the light of adulthood, Richard, out of pure happiness, decided to use his talent for the forces of good and join a band. Given two band offers - one from the up and coming group of the rock and roll boys from Liverpool named The Beatles, and one from Rory Storm's Homeosexual Rainbow Slinky Parade - forced him to make a quick decision. His time spent in the hospital (which left him brain damaged) also played a part in his quick choice. Richard chose poorly, and after re-thinking about living in the gutters on the streets of Liverpool, changed his mind and joined the lads, The Beatles. Richard (who had then decided to change his name to Ringo Starr becuase he worshiped Starburst candy, and in a half-assed attempt to sound cowboyish) had replaced Dr. Nipples McKree (later changed to Dr.Phil), their first drummer. John Lennon quoted about Ringo "He made sucking an art form."

Acting career[edit]

Before trying out in the music industry, Ringo tried his luck in acting. He went to several acting schools over a four year period. Afterwards, Ringo tried to get main roles in many productions such as Phantom of the Opera and Brokeback Mountain. Other titles that Ringo have appeared in include:

The movie career would end up in utter failure, with every casting director telling him that he couldn't act. Ringo even tried his luck in a movie about a man that's sad and lonely. This too lead to failure.

Role In The Beatles[edit]

The Beatles posing for the cover of British Woman's Tea Time magazine. Ringo said later in a 1998 interview, "You know, I chose to hold my cup to the side because at that time I was deeply interested in world relations. The tea to the side was a symbol of world peace."

“Hi, I'm Ringo Starr, everybody's fifth favourite Beatle.”

~ Ringo Starr on His Popularity

"I once tried smashing my head with a knife to see what sound it would make. That was when we were writing songs for the album Abbey Road (I wrote me second song!!!) I now realise the sound 'OW!' is not the best for our songs. Ringo Starr on How I invented stuff too, not just John and Paul!

"Drummin’ ain’t easy," quoted Ringo, "having to move your hands and arms up and down for an hour or two. Wow! It’s quite a work out."

Ringo was considered the heart behind the Beatles music. As Harrison said "He keeps the beat up in the Beatles. Truly amazing drummin’. Now, where’s my bong?" Today he is remembered as the Beatle nobody remembers.

Supplying the beat and rhythm to all the Beatles songs, some say that if the bass, guitar, and vocals were taken away from any tune, you can still identify it with the drum beats.

For example:

-On the track I’m Only Sleeping the beat sounds like: Thump-thu-thump-thu-thump

-On the track Birthday it's more like: Thump-thump-thump-thump

-On the track Pass me by, I'm not worth it it's sorta like: Thump-Thump-Thupity-Thump-Thump

-On the track What You’re Doing it’s a lot like: Thumpity-thump-thumpity-thump-thump

-On the track When I’m Sixty-Four the beat goes: Thumpthumpthumpthumpa chaka chak dong

-On the track "Octopuses Snortin" Ringo's bottle of gin can be heard sloshing in between sections of the song

And the infinite list goes on.

Many song contributions can be found made by Starr as well, including Don’t Pass My Pie on their Green Album, Octogenarian's Garden off Abbey Rode, I Wanna Steal Your Man off Eat The Beatles, Yellow Bumblebee off Revolter, and many more.

Ringo "sang" lead vocal on several songs such as "With A Little Death From My Friends", The Beatles being so popular that it just really didn't matter.


Ringo Starr examining his reflection.

Before settling down, Ringo led a simple life. From living in the sea of green, eating three meals a day, and having a legion of beautiful women doing the Deed Of Darkness with him (so long as he wore a paper bag over his head), Ringo lived a normal life.

Ringo was also notable for inventing drumming, naturally. But when Ringo filed the patent, they rejected it on the grounds that his hair remained the same for three years. And, according to drummer law, hair length has to have a variable change of three inches within three years, or else all patents submitted by the drummer are null and void. That being said, John Bonham patented dying.

File:Ringo starr suicide.jpg
Ringo remarks on his time with The Beatles.

After the Beatles split, however, his lifestyle had dramatically changed. Ringo regressed to a truly disgusting state, often seen scavenging for food in trash cans, using stolen credit cards for spreading peanut butter (on cardboard, I might add), and bathing in the local church’s holy water.


Ringo has been known for his drinking habits. In March 1967 he was banished from England and shipped off to Mexico, where, on arrival, they gave him surgery as to disguise him and make him look more Mexican-ish. Ringle settled down for a few weeks, but after sleeping with what's thought to be over 48 girls in a period of 3 days, the Mexican government plead for him to be allowed back into England. The experience inspired him to write a new song, but since Starr was so blacked out on Tequila during the whole time, he remembered none of it and just wrote Back in the U.S.S.R instead.

Recent Years[edit]

When the Beatles split, Ringo was unaware of the fact that the other members had written him out of the testicles. However, as the former Beatles were making their solo records, they were all in need of a decent hot meal. Ringo was the only one available in such short notice, ingenuously cooking stew in his kettle drum. All was forgiven.


Ringo appears on such albums as George Harrison’s All Bowels Must Pass(based on their shared stew experiments, in which George added spam to his- see:(George Harrison biography)and John Lennon’s John Lennon/Plastic Oh-No More Stew Band. All these references brought about rampant rumors that "Stu is alive!" (Stu Sutcliff, former band member who, just before the band became famous, disconnected his phone and moved to Spain in perpetuity). Later "Band With The Runs" had hidden explanations for Stu when held up to the light on a certain angle in the Southern Hemisphere. None were satisfactory to fans, even though this caused over 1 billion copies of "Runs" to be sold, bought by fans desperate for answers. Secret surveillance of one member began when public outcry for the resolution of the Stu question forced government action. Finally a sobbing Ringo was forced to admit to the world on live television that they, particularly he, was very hungry, and had had such bent experiences with stew. He was cornered by the ravenous press to relate every detail, such as: he, the cook of the house, had added cold turkey to the stew one particular night! Realizing that much of 70's music was influenced by artists inspired by their sufferings from poorly prepared stew, and not much else, just changed EVERYTHING. Illusions were smashed, not only about them, but us. We just went home and really wallowed for a couple of days, pulling the covers over our head, wondering if anything was real. Soon after getting out of bed, worldwide consciousness of Ringo's hunger began to spread. This awareness broadened to include other struggling drum..

(deep breath and hyperventriculation)

..mers and hungry children in Africa and Liverpool. With heartfelt encouragement, Ringo helped organize Spam Aid, which was formed with many famous artists and bands to record songs and have a huge concert with all proceeds for food going to Ringo, Africa, and Liverpool. "Do They Know It's Liverpool Shipping Industry Day" (Liverpool's biggest holiday), became Spam Aid's #1 hit, creating millions of dollars for food. Decent fast and fresh pizza delivery quickly appeared in the hungriest areas. At first delivery drivers had great difficulties getting to the neediest, due to lack of named roads and house numbers. Then cars began distributing pizza, ice cream truck style, with loudspeakers blaring a jingle. This soon became a problem when it was learned that the jingle (a catchy old tune Ringo was on) being broadcast didn't translate well at all. To the native populations it was understood as saying: "Come now let your babies drive your cars, then give them to Ringo Starr..." A few wreaked vehicles were mysteriously shipped to Ringo before these lyrical indiscrepancies were discovered. The bugs pertaining to the various delivery regions were worked out; even the difficulties getting pizza to Ringo were surmounted. During this time pizza delivery stores sprang up everywhere in the U.S., and Ringo was acknowledged as being the forerunner in the field, laying the groundwork to make this a popular, multi-billion dollar industry. Ringo was a hero! ------------------------------------------------------------- The offers stopped rolling in and Ringo soon went into human trafficking. After noticing, Ringo fled to the idea of making his own solo album "Ringo Needs Some Money". Even though the album had supplied him with the much needed vagina, Starr was still experiencing some heavy financial problems. Without enough money to even afford a recording session, Ringo’s dream of recording his next solo, "Ringo Needs Shoes", never came true.

And now, our poor Ringo still tries to remain in the public eye by appearing in cartoons such as The Simpletons and Future Drama, voice acting in kiddy shows like Thomas The Bank Tenor, and even acting in recent pornos like Ringo Barr and Starr Burst. Having his own band as well, the Almost Starrs group, Ringo has been rolling in the dough slowly and making a living as a has been.

Upon seizing absolute power as the president of Iran, Ringo immediately declared a jihad against The Who. Cheeky bastards. This is especially ironic, since Ringo's son, Zaqq al-Starqi, is currently the drummer for the band. Ringo also continues to taunt George W. Bush and the nation of Israel with his covert nuclear weapons program.

Recent plans have not been made for Ringo to come back to the music world. However he has been talking about starting up his own cooking show in-titled Ringo Cookin'.

In 2004 he issued "20 Greatest Hits", an album which featured 18 songs, three of them were actually hits!

No More Fan Mail....Peace & Love Peace & Love[edit]

Ringo has recently taken control of the Iranian government and is considered the world's most menacing nuclear threat.

Shockingly, in October 2008, Ringo made an unrehearsed and unscripted video blog entry on his website, asking fans not to send anymore fanmail or autograph requests to ANY address that they have. Sadly, Ringo neglected to mention that it was still OK to send fan mail to artists other than him, but the damage was done and the memorabilia business went into terminal decline within a matter of hours. Some celebrities such as British TV gameshow host Jim Bowen, saw a sharpe decline in fan mail, from two per year to none at all. Below is a transcript of Ringo's crack fuelled bollock ridden rant. "Hello commoners, this is Kingo Ringo, Peace & Love Peace & Love you fuckwits!!! Thank you for being loyal fans over the last 45 years and for buying all my albums, even the really shitty ones. Because of you, I now have a gazillion pounds in a Swiss Bank and I really don't need you anymore. Please do not send anything to any address that you have, anything you send after October 20th, will be tossed on and thrown away. I've too much to do and can't be arsed with your constant badgering all the time. So I played the drums in some band over 40 years ago, So fuckin' what, get a fuckin' life and move on!!!. Anyway you have been warned October 20th is the tossing date. Peace & Love, Peace & Love you Wankers"

Ringo, however, developed a change of heart in 2009 and is now back to signing stuff. He said, "It's 2009, and I feel fine."

Sadly, Ringo's attitude landed him in hot water as after throwing away three years worth of Council Tax bill's, thinking they were fan mail, he was sentenced to 25 years for tax evasion in 2011.

Feud with Barry Manilow[edit]

In 1988 Ringo was one of two nominees for the Granny Award for biggest nose. The award was won by his rival Barry Manilow. Millions of fans wrote to the bosses of the awards in protest. Riots among fans of the two stars rumbled on for years. As a result the Grammys have never since issued awards for noses. Ringo did however beat Manilow in the 1995 poll of "sexiest man of all time with a big nose", as voted for by readers of Mouth Breather's Digest.