Rita Verdonk

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Aunt Rita, as she is known among the mud-sweepers of Flevoland.

Member of the Dutch Flower-Power Government of the liberal VVD party, Rita "Hotsocks" Verdonk is currently appointed Minister for Making Sure Jan-Peter Brushes His Huge Yellow Teeth Before He Goes to Work. Born in Verdonkistan around the year 1600, Verdonk is the mother of Jan Peter Balkenende, aka Harry Potter.

Early Years[edit]

After an unhappy childhood in the then-independent nation of Verdonkistan, Verdonk smuggled herself into the Netherlands inside a crate of crocodile kidneys (used in the making of Dutch chocolate). She asked for asylum, and was immediately granted a Vergunning om voor altijd te blijven, or Infinite Residence License. To show her gratitude she volunteered for a goverment job and was assigned the task of getting as many refugees into the country as possible.

She is the only Dutch politician who practices politics using blunt objects -- in May of 2005 she successfully lobbied MP Jelleke Veenendaal in the face with a wooden oar, and in June of 2006 she attempted to debate MP Ayaan Hirsi Ali using a jackhammer but Ayaan responded with a pint of ice cream and Verdonk lost the argument.

Many of the rogues down in the Hague call her the "Iron Lady" because iron stays red-hot for a long time and so does Rita. Passers-by often comment on the red glow shining from her bedroom windows after midnight. Even more noteworthy are the howling noises coming from her room at these times.

Campaign[edit]

Rita Verdonk frightening a Scottish bagpipe expert emigrating to Holland in order to chase women. She appears to be more than he bargained for.

In 2002 Rita started a large world-wide-campain to persuade people to come and live in The Netherlands. Most succesfull was her "Golden-Ticket Campaign". Like in that film Charlie and the Porn-industry, people all over the world could emigrate to the "flattest country on Earth" by turning in two Verkade Chocolatewraps at any Dutch Ambassy.

This offer resulted in the emigration of two Malaysian mongoose-felchers to Utrecht in 2003. They are now members of the Utrecht Committee on Public Morality and leading members of PETA. Then in 2003 she started her McDonald's Happy Meal Campaign. This very generous offer includes a hamburger, fries, a soda, and a Greencard-surprise for only €3,95.

Ronald McDonald has purchased three of these meals. He says he will move to Alkmaar, change his name to Reindert MaDorkiert, and become the town drunk.

Motto[edit]

Rita Verdonk's motto: "Vol is Vol", which means A vole is a vole [except when it's a mole]. And of course this is especially true in the Randstad, where almost every member is a rodent of some sort. She has also said, "Ons Terugkeerbeleid is waterdicht, niemand komt op straat te staan" -- "Returning to the country of you origin is not an option; he who only thinks about leaving this country will be arrested. Foreigners living abroad must not continue to do so."

Future Plans[edit]

Verdonk is planning to reorganise the Dutch National Football Team. Ronaldo, Zidane, Ronaldinho and Stijn Vreven are all to be given Dutch passports, Dutch citizenship, €300,000,000, and a stable of Amsterdam hookers in order to make them available to the Dutch team.

After her political career she is considering a job application at McDonalds to replace Ronald McDonald. Experts consider her a shoo-in as she has much experience with roasting human flesh during her after-midnight amorous adventures.

Relationship with Jan Marijnissen[edit]

Verdonk had a relationship with the Dutch vegetarian, seabird-abuser, and neo-nazi Jan Marijnissen.

The lovebirds will marry in June, and honeymoon on the island of Vlieland where they will indulge their shared hobbies of seagulling, jellyfishing, and throwing orgies.

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