Ritzibottom Salazar

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Ritzibottom Salazar is considered by many to be the poet laureate of the Island Nation of Salazore. He is also credited with having sired Enrico Ritzibottom Salazar, raconteur and self proclaimed Generalissimo of Salazore from 1971 to 1988.

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Ritzibottom Salazar performing his most famous Vaudeville act: Shave and a Haircut, Two Guidos. Photo circa 1899.


The Early Years[edit]

Though many of the details of Ritzibottom Salazar's early life remain hotly debated, the Nation of Salazore's official census records indicate that Salazar was born in the Salazorian capital city of Sindi in 1869 (though at the time the nation's capital was known as Amanda Sue). The son of a simple washer woman and an itinerant miniature corn farmer, young Ritzibottom seemed destined for a literary life when his mother was accidentally killed in a tragic Mad Libs factory explosion in 1877. Devastated by the loss, young Ritzi, as he was known to friends and family, would remain completely illiterate for most of his adult life. It wasn't until meeting wandering minstrel and world renowned Vaudevillian, Paco C. Hammerstein Jr., that young Ritzi accepted his destiny (and a three pinto a week job as Hammerstein Jr.'s fluffer) as the pre-eminent entertainer and poet of his time.

Career[edit]

“I've seen head injured monkeys that could deliver a one-liner better than ol' Shitzibottom...”


Paco C. Hammerstein Jr. He was actually quite amusing. No, really.

Salazar was known to many as the most entertaining man in Salazore. However, this distinction is marred by the fact that he may well be the only entertaining man in the history of his country, if poorly executed tap dancing and almost indecipherable jokes are the measuring sticks with which he is to be judged. Yet, despite the obvious obstacles, young Ritzibottom was nothing if not completely oblivious to his many shortcomings and managed to carve out a successful niche in the lucrative field of traveling minstrel/vaudevillian/poet/used boat and RV salesman.

Ritzibottom, grateful for the experience of traveling with Hammerstein Jr. (but not so much for the constant oral servitude), parted ways with the aging impresario in 1893 and struck out on his own. He eventually found a new Vaudeville partner in a young anchovy fisherman named Flavio Salmonella (who had unfortunately tattooed blackface on permanently) and together the two took the Salazorian comedy circuit by storm. Famous for such routines as "Does This Look Infected", "Mi Momo es tu Momo", and "I Thought I Had Piles Until I Found Your Wristwatch", the two were soon earning two figure incomes.

By 1897, Ritzibottom had inadvertently learned how to read while taking a routine eye exam for an insurance medical. Now able to express his innermost thoughts and desires on paper, Ritzibottom penned his first poem:


                           Please Cover Your Left Eye
                                      By
                               Ritzibottom Salazar
                                       E
                                      F P
                                     T O Z
                                    L P E D
                                   P E C F D
                                  E D F C Z P
                                 Is that an L?
                 Yeah, I'm going to go with an L for that one.
                            An E?  Really?  Wow.  Okay.
             Contacts?  Actually I think I'll just go with glasses.
    I don't know, something about touching my own eyeballs really creeps me out.


Lauded by critics and fans alike for his acerbic wit and provocative themes, Ritzibottom left the Vaudeville stage for good in 1903 and wrote no less than 468 collections of poetry between 1904 and 1904 and a half.

Tragedy and Marriage (or Six of One, Half a Dozen of the Other)[edit]

Wiki Salazar circa 1908


“If he isn't here in ten minutes, I want my fuckin' money back...”

~ Overheard in line at a Djibouti Barnes and Noble


In 1907, on his way to a book signing in Djibouti, Ritzibottom suffered severe injuries in a freak horse and buggy accident in which he lost his right eye, deflated a buttock, sprained his labia, and, most tragically of all, lost a fingernail on what he referred to as his "pickin' hand" . It was while convalescing at his Salazorian estate that he met, and would later marry, the woman who was hired to swamp out his bedpans, a young ingénue by the name of Wiki Gloop. The two hit it off almost immediately, and the starstruck lovers were almost inseparable for the next four decades, give or take a few decades.

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Wiki Salazar circa 1909. Fuckin' Bennigan's...

But it seemed hard times were never far away for the newlyweds, as Ritzibottom was lured into the high stakes world of pinochle and soon found himself deeply in debt to local mob boss Tony "The Shrimp" Tetrazzini. Still unable to churn out new poetry as a result of his injuries, Ritzibottom's young bride was forced to take work at the local Bennigan's in order to make ends meet.

By 1909, Ritzibottom was self medicating and by the summer of that year, deeply addicted to both opium and Metamucil. By 1910, his chronic hallucinations and clockwork-like regularity were tearing his young family apart. By 1912, Wiki had had enough. She forced Ritzibottom's hand, and he reluctantly agreed to join a four step program (as of 1912, the other eight steps had yet to be developed). By 1913, Ritzibottom was clean, sober, and chronically constipated. But they were still happily married and now expecting sextuplets. And when Miss Marbles, their Himalayan Labradoodle, finally delivered the litter later that same year, Ritzibottom and Wiki decided it was time to start their own family.

Family Life[edit]

“Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Salazar. It's a megalomaniac.”

~ Doctor's on the birth of Enrico Ritzibottom Salazar


Baby Enrico Ritzibottom Salazar, sans knife.
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Enrico, aged 1 and a half.

Ritzibottom and his long suffering wife, Wiki, tried unsuccessfully for children for close to three decades. But it wasn't until a routine check-up that doctors discovered Ritzibottom had, what is known in the medical profession as, a "no sperm count". The hunt was now on for appropriate donors. Luckily, several selfless individuals stepped forward, and once the saliva was separated from the samples, the highly experimental and extremely dangerous semen transfusions were carried out. During the Christmas of 1948, doctors were pleased to report that Ritzibottom would now be able to "spray some serious baby-batter".

On September 9, 1949, the Salazar's welcomed a 17 lb. 12 oz. baby boy into the world. Naming him Enrico Ritzibottom Salazar, Ritzibottom was so pleased about their new arrival, that he managed to overlook the disturbing fact that their son had been born with a knife between his teeth, Wiki not so much. When asked later on how he felt about this, Ritzibottom replied, "You know, I actually asked the docs about that. Seems it's not all that uncommon for a kid to be born with a full set of teeth. It's how Chef Boyardee got his early start."

On The Origin of the Name Ritzibottom[edit]

In 1893 a Romanian count named Nikolai Irtzibetchu came to Salazore to pursue a commercial interest in the export of bat guano, then in use in numerous industrial processes. There he met and fell in love with Ernestina Ferrara, a daughter of one of Salazore's leading families. They married and Irtzibetchu stayed in Salazore. Their only child, a son named Ernesto, was deaf and thus never heard his family name pronounced. His parents died when Ernesto was still quite young, though he went on to expand the family's fortunes and have many children. Due to an unfortunate set of circumstances involving the Irtzibetchu's alcoholic family lawyer, the former circus strongman with a pronounced lisp he hired as bodyguard, valet and assistant, the blind prostitute the lawyer eventually married and the lawyer's associate, who suffered from a rare speech impediment known as Vigge's Syndrome (those who suffer from Vigge's add an "m" to the end of every word that ends in a vowel; a mere nuisance in English, Vigge's is a terrible affliction for those who speak Salizorian), by the time Ernesto Irtzibetchu's children came to hear their own surname pronounced, it had irrevocably changed to "Ritzibottom." As the family was prosperous, odorous, and generally mean, it remains a highly respected name in Salazore today.

Death (Or Was It?)[edit]

Last known photo of Ritzibottom Salazar taken at an "undisclosed location" (966 Chimichanga Drive, Sindi, Salazore, 97036. Phone (854) 225-3081, Cell (776) 745-9143. Be sure to ask for Sitzibottom Ralazar.)

Ritzibottom Salazar was found savagely murdered on April 22, 1974, his head submerged in the toilet he'd just relieved himself in. Cause of death was listed as "accidental" but many questions remain, like "Christ, what the hell did he eat? It smells like hot garbage in here..."

Many conspiracy theorists speculate that Ritzibottom fell victim to foul play at the hands of his own flesh and blood, and to this day, Enrico Salazar has not been completely ruled out as a suspect. However, since his death, rumours have abounded, and many feel that Ritzibottom may not be dead at all. As the theory goes, government opposition leaders, having been tipped off to Enrico's plan to murder his own father, reached Ritzibottom in time to plant a decoy. He was then placed into the Salazorian Witness Protection Program, which consisted of giving him an eye-patch and using a screwdriver to change his home address from 969 Chimichanga Drive, to 966 Chimichanga Drive. If the rumours are true, then the ruse was a spectacular success. Ritzibottom Salazar has not been seen since.

Selected Bibliography[edit]

  • Wango Tango
  • Ritzi's Cutest Poems, Vol. 5
  • Ritz's Hitz
  • Puttin On The Ritz: Best of Ritzibottom Salazar
  • Dirty Love
  • Grabbing Love by the Choda
  • Smegma Smile In The Morning
  • Get Me Some Jam
  • 99 Problems and a Bitch Ain't One
  • Two Girls and a Cup and Other Poems

Trivia[edit]

  • Ritzibottom was ambidextrous, but he never admitted this fact to anyone because he thought it meant he was "into dudes".
  • His middle name was an underscore.
  • Ritzibottom was a long time allergy sufferer. Among the list of things he was allergic to were: most hypoallergenic products, Cheetos, rap music, and his own body hair.
  • He was colour deaf.
  • He was a devout Orthodox Scientologist.
  • In later years, he was often overheard muttering that his penis was plotting to kill him.
  • He was a certified Scatologist but never practiced, due to what he (ironically) referred to as "a bunch of bureaucratic horse shit."
  • He was violently opposed to Haiku, considering the form "too damn wordy."

Quotes[edit]

“god, i

hated ritzi. what
an

a-hole.”

“Shit. That mofo was fuckin' wack, yo. Fer shizzle.”

“He wrote his first poem about an eye chart. Am I the only one who thinks that's fucked up?”

“[Indistinguishable, muffled reply due to fact that head was in oven]”

“Shit, I know for a fact that he didn't even write his own stuff.”

~ Bill Shakespeare

“Salazar? A poet laureate? Nigga, please...”

“And I mean nobody...”