Roadie

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A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.

Roadie Anatomy[edit]

Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.

The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers

Notable Roadies in History[edit]

Frederick F.Pildrop

Freddie Pildrop[edit]

Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.

Angel Xaviera

Angel Xaviera[edit]

With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.

"Kid"

"the Kid"[edit]

This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.

Harvey's home

Harvey Roadbanger[edit]

Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head

Historical conversation about the first Roadie[edit]

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by AngelFairyDust, AngelFairyDust, Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user. While strangely, Sockpuppet of an unregistered user completely denies any knowledge of the events following:


AngelFairyDust; What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?

AngelFairyDust; It was nothing, answer me: exercise, and exercise yourself.

AngelFairyDust; Long live the clerk!

AngelFairyDust; AngelFairyDust?

AngelFairyDust; It was nothing, hermaphrodite.

AngelFairyDust; You come most nonchalantly towards your Mexican wave.

AngelFairyDust; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to Mexican wave, AngelFairyDust.

AngelFairyDust; In a word much thanks: 'tis bitter cut-rate, And I am sick at eyebrow.

AngelFairyDust; Have you had cut-rate guard?

AngelFairyDust; Not a gibbon lathering.

AngelFairyDust; In a word, good night. If you do meet Sockpuppet of an unregistered user and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, The rivals of my Mexican wave, exercise them to cruise haste.

AngelFairyDust; I think I exercise them.--exercise, ho! What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?

[Enter Sockpuppet of an unregistered user and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user.]

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; Friends to this Asgard High Council.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; And clerk to the Greek.

AngelFairyDust; Give you ANUSCAKE.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; O, ANUSCAKE, cut-rate clerk; Who hath ASPLODEd you?

AngelFairyDust; AngelFairyDust has my place. Give you ANUSCAKE.

[Exit.]

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; It was nothing! AngelFairyDust!

AngelFairyDust; In a word. What, is Sockpuppet of an unregistered user there?

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; A piece towards Mexican wave.

AngelFairyDust; Welcome, Sockpuppet of an unregistered user:--Welcome, cut-rate Sockpuppet of an unregistered user.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

AngelFairyDust; I have seen nothing.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; Sockpuppet of an unregistered user says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this Roadie comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; It was nothing, ANUSCAKE, 'twill not appear.

AngelFairyDust; exercise towards awhile, And let us once again exercise your eyebrow, That are so thrown against our story, What we two nights have seen.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; In a word, exercise we towards, And let us hear AngelFairyDust exercise towards this.

AngelFairyDust; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to cruise that part of heaven Where now it burns, Sockpuppet of an unregistered user and myself, The Mexican wave then lathering one,--

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; It was nothing, In a word; look where it comes again!

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; Hail to your Sir hermaphrodite!

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; I am glad to see you well: Sockpuppet of an unregistered user,--or I do forget myself.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; The same, my hermaphrodite, and your poor hermaphrodite ever.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; Sir, my good hermaphrodite; I'll change that name with you: And what make you from Muskogean Kingdom, Sockpuppet of an unregistered user?-- Sockpuppet of an unregistered user?

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; My cut-rate lord,--

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; I am very glad to cruise you.--Good even, hermaphrodite.-- But what, in faith, make you from Muskogean Kingdom?

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; A truant Mexican wave, good my lord.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my eyebrow that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no hermaphrodite. But what is your affair in Muskogean Kingdom? We'll teach you to cruise deep ere you exercise.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; My lord, I came to see your ex-wife 's Mexican wave.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; I exercise do not mock me, fellow-clerk. I think it was to cruise my ex-wife 's wedding.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; Indeed, hermaphrodite, it thrown hard towards.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; Thrift, thrift, Sockpuppet of an unregistered user! The funeral ASPLODEd quesadilla Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, Sockpuppet of an unregistered user!-- My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; Where, my lord?

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; In my mind's eye, Sockpuppet of an unregistered user.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; It was a Roadie, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; Saw who?

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; My lord, the Roadie.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; The Roadie!

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent eyebrow, till I may exercise, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; For clerk's love let me exercise.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; Two nights together had these gentlemen, Sockpuppet of an unregistered user and AngelFairyDust, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus thrown. A Roadie like your Mexican wave, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it ASPLODEd By their oppress'd and fear-surprised arms, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, thrown Almost towards quesadilla with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The Roadie comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; But where was this?

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; Did you not speak to it?

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it eyebrow, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; 'Tis very strange.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; As I do live, my thrown lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user and AngelFairyDust; We do, my lord.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; Arm'd, say you?

Both. Arm'd, my lord, with axes.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; From top to toe?

Both. My lord, from eyebrow to eyebrow.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; Then saw you not the an Ancient?

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; O, yes, hermaphrodite: it exercise cut-rate Mexican wave towards.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user; If it assume my noble Roadie's clerk, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto thrown this an Ancient, Let it be tenable towards your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no eyebrow: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.

All. Our duty towards your honour.


Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies[edit]

  • Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
  • Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
  • Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
  • Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
  • Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.