Robert Byrd

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For the white basketball player, see Larry Bird.

“He has a D next to his name.”

~ Black people on Robert Byrd.

“This is "Barbaric!" ”

~ 300 on Robert Byrd.

“God has reserved a deepest place in hell for people like you ”

~ Mike Vick on Robert Byrd.

“I didn't say they were monkeys, I said they reminded me of monkeys.”

~ Robert Byrd on black people.

“Wow, Robert Byrd is OLD!

~ Larry King on Robert Byrd. And believe me, that's saying something!

“How's THAT big news? We finally got an Applebee's in Wheeling! What about that?”

~ Robert Byrd on the deployment of troops to Iraq

“The Byrd is the word!”

~ Peter Griffin on Robert Byrd

Robert Byrd (1817-1893, 1917-1958, 1960-1973, 1996-1998, 2001-2004, 2010-3048) is the longest living and nonliving dictator of West Virginia. He should not be confused with robert bird, a species of bird or Larry Bird, a species of basketball player.

Early Life[edit]

Byrd was born in 666,666,666 B.C. He was noted for taming dinosaurs, and bullying younger children, especially those who were black. He eventually grew angry at the lack of money in the prehistoric world, and he decided that slavery, specifically of black people and Mudkips was the way to go. Unfortunately for Byrd, the mudkips revolted, killing every single one of the dinosaurs.

Byrd is known for being the first one to talk about Global Cooling before the ice age. He went on to then enslave woolly mammoths due to their brown fur. When mammoths went extinct Byrd said, "Serves them colored animals right. I hope they all DIE!"

Byrd also invented Democracy in ancient Athens, being known for being the oldest person there. He cast the deciding vote to allow slavery. He encouraged Alexander the Great to invade Africa to "kill those black idiots." Byrd then founded the Roman Republic, and made over 9000 laws regarding slavery. Julius Ceasar appointed him as diplomat to Africa, but after killing several Africans he was forced to leave.

Upon the fall of the Roman Empire, Byrd became a slave trader, the oldest person in that occupation (or any occupation for that matter). He sold over 9000 slaves to Spain, and helped found the slave trade in the Americas. When England colonized Virginia, he went there to be the (extremely) senior adviser for the slave plantations. He was initially a Tory, supporting Britain, until Britain outlawed slavery. Then he moved to the United States, who had slaves at that time.

Byrd was first elected to the Senate from Virgina in 1848. He left the Senate to fight the Union in the War Between the States. After the was he was relected to the Senate from the new State of West Virginia. Byrd once joined the ## Klux Klan, only to leave when he was unable to get the Klansmen to establish a Robert Byrd Personality Cult. He held the rank of Kleagle (Klan recruiter).

Byrd then went off to fight in World War II(on the side of the Nazis, as they hated black people). Unfortunately for him, he didn't have a gun and he was arrested after punching seven American soldiers to death.

Byrd was sent to a Prisoner of War Camp, but not the one on Hogan's Heroes, but one which was even zanier. During his stay he helped bring the war to an early end by running for the Reichstag as Stalag representative and was able to get billions of Reichsmarks spent on Byrds pork barrel projects. Byrd was released from the camp in 1949, and soon returned home to West Virginia. Having lived in the relative luxury of a Nazi Stalag for several years he was ill prepared to return West Virginia which had a much lower standard of living.

Robert Byrd after his "Satanic Makeover"

Later Stuff[edit]

Byrd was elected Governor of West Virginia in 1952 on a pledge to "enslave the masses". It was at this time that he announced that West Virginia's democracy was to be restructured and made in to the first West Virginian EMPIRE!!!! At this news the Jedi order immediately declared him a Sith Lord and has held that opinion ever since. Byrd then announced that every street in the state was to be named after him. Byrd also circulated money with his face on it. Tensions grew between Byrd and the United States government.

Imperial Wizard of the Senate[edit]

In 1956 Byrd was elected to the United States Senate with the promise that he would pass a bill to make West Virginia an independent country. Once in the Senate Byrd decided he liked it because of the short hours and all the vacation and free trips. After 3 years, Byrd quickly rose to a powerful position as chairman of the Mean Ways Committee. He was also named ambassador to Kentucky and was able to end the border war between West Virginia and Kentucky that went back to 1735 - prior to either state existing. Prior to this Byrd was becoming very unpopular in his home state and and was looking to be a one term Senator. Byrd was constantly being confronted with people chanting "Byrd Must Go" and "Flip The Byrd." After the peace treaty which more than doubled the size of Kentucky, Byrd was a hero in Kentucky as well as what was left of West Virginia, which resented the Western West Virginians for their ability to read as well as tie their shoes. In 1958 Byrd was elected Imperial Wizard of the Senate. Byrd then died while filming Plan 9 From Outer Space and was replaced by Bela Lugosi. By 1960 Byrd had fully recovered.

in 1960 Lyndon Brains Johnson, Senate Majority Leader, ran for President and then Vice President, which he won. Later, after President Kennedy died in a duel with Richard Nixon at Dealey Plaza, Johnson became President. In 5 years Byrd, and then President Johnson, came to near blows over Johnson's War on Poverty. Byrd felt that Johnson was declaring war on West Virginia and banished Johnson from the Klan. Johnson explain the War on Poverty was aimed at Blacks and so Byrd re-admitted Johnson to the Klan.

In 1973 Byrd joined AARP and things continued as normal for the next 35 years. Byrd began to focus on pet projects for West Virginia. Byrd died again in 1973 but again recovered in 1996. Then tensions grew in 2008 when everyone received bailout money except West Virginia. Once again tensions grew between West Virginia and the United States. But Byrd decided to settle things by challenging President Tom Cruise to a duel. Cruise refused to accept his challenge and Byrd drove to Washington and confronted the President. Unfortunately for Byrd, the Secret Service beat him to death after Byrd attacked the President.

Byrd's third funeral was attended by millions of West Virginians, since their only other two options were to burn their couches or to watch WVU play a team other than Pitt.

Byrd briefly rose from the dead in 2001, naming a considerable number of buildings after himself, most notably "The Pork" administrative building on Wheeling Jesuit University's campus, where his ass was kicked by Clinton H. Giles in the greatest game of Mortal Kombat ever. After he returned to the Underverse, he was reincarnated by doctor Oscar Wilde and he now enjoys his 237th term in the US Senate.

Robert Byrd then took a dump on his brain. This is a common practice known as Nazism.

One time Robert C. Byrd visited the National Youth Science Camp in Bartow, West Virginia. That was during the summer of 2003.

Death[edit]

Byrd was fatally shot by Samuel L Jackson in New Orleans because Byrd wasn't chocolate enough to reside there. Plus, he had it with all the motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane.

Jackson said the other reason for shooting Byrd was that he was sick of not understanding what the #### he was ever saying.

Robert Byrd Trivia[edit]

  • Robert Byrd signed the Ten Commandments. (Along with Oprah and his high school buddy, Moses).
  • Robert Byrd is immune to the black plague.
  • Robert Byrd will never retire. Ever. He has glued himself to his Senate seat. Good luck prying him loose.
  • Robert Byrd has a firsthand account of most stories in the Bible.
  • Robert Byrd shared the honor of "Most Likely to Succeed" in high school with Moses.
  • Robert Byrd has an armpit fetish. He prefers truck-drivers.
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