Robert Jordan

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“Editor?! What's an editor?”

“That good for nothing plagiarizing hack!”

“It's Plagerized, I swear!”

~ Robert Jordan while being persecuted

“No, really! What's an editor?!”

“America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.”

Mr. Jordan in an Israeli court, when he famously shouted at Judge Hassen Ben-Stoben, "NO, I CAN'T TEACH YOU TO CHANNEL! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU?!"

Robert Jordan (b. 1877) is a Romanian science fiction author, and also one Fritz, known for laughing till his sides ache out of forcing others to read exceedingly long books. His popular Axle of Space series has been lauded by critics for its success in expanding J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy into the twenty book cycle its time-strapped author intended it to be. Tolkien's position as a professor of computer science at Harvard left him without the time to do justice to his vision. On his deathbed, he called Jordan, a close personal friend from their time together at West Point Regional High School to his side, and charged him with finishing his uncompleted work. Jordan took boldly to the challenge, and aided by team of baboons who took dictation for him, he set about.

Tolkien had, however, neglected to mention to Jordan the issue of cult fandom. As the Axle of Space became popular across Romania, Jordan found himself without the ability to lead the secluded life he had enjoyed prior to taking on Tolkien's work. Accosted by fans whenever he appeared in public, Jordan had to resort to disguise (as a Tibetan Monk). The Romanian tabloid press, notably the Brussels Sun, learned of the deception. The Sun published pictures of him in disguise and disclosed his top-secret alias, Roberto Jordana. Forced to flee to America, Jordan sought aslyum and was granted it by President Calvin Coolidge. He now lives in a nursing home in Hell, Michigan, where he works on Book 17 of the Axle of Space, tentatively titled The Chartruse Citadel. He intends to continue writing until they nail shut his coffin, after which he will retire to Starbucks. Robert Jordan has since died, leaving his series, Axle of Space, to be finished after death. He will continue to write as he was cremated. Not buried in a coffin. A real coffin.

This man is simply obsessed with using the same phrases over, and over, and over, and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over, AGAIN!

These include:

  • She folded her arms beneath her breasts.
  • He could have wept.
  • Woolheaded shepherd
  • He laughed till his sides ached.
  • She smoothed her skirts.
  • He could have wept.
  • He Knuckled his forehead
  • She tugged at her braid.
  • He clenched his fists until his knuckles cracked.
  • Woolheaded shepherd
  • She smoothed her skirts.
  • She tugged at her braid.
  • They waggled their fingers at each other.
  • He/she made a strange gesture in the air.
  • She smoothed her skirts.
  • Woolheaded shepherd
  • He could have wept.
  • She folded her arms beneath her breasts.
  • Thank the Light
  • He blew out his moustaches.
  • His eyes burned like furnaces.
  • I am not mad, yet.
  • She divided her skirts.

Writing Style[edit]

Robert Jordan's writing style is unique among fantasy authors and is just as much a work in progress as his books. In addition to using the same phrases over and over, he has not only perfected the art of writing huge books in which nothing happens, he is in fact writing the entire Wheel of Time epic backwards, starting with the last book and ending with the as-yet-unwritten first book, "A Noun of Nouns." After writing his first Wheel of Time novel Jordan waggled his finger at critics who thought his narrative was too economical and not long-winded enough. He enlisted the aid of the writer renowned for his brevity and concise, tight writing, Terry Goodkind, an author who is really taken seriously because he's a good kind of guy with a kickass ponytail. Believe it or not, Jordan was able to churn out such smooth, honeyed prose for his second book, The Great Hunt: "At dawn the day was born, just as twilight gave birth to night, but at dawn, night died, and at twilight, day." Aaaah, eat your heart out Tolkien.

Let us compare the narrative styles of Robert Jordan to that of mere upstart. Here is an excerpt from The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway:

"They sailed well and the old man soaked his hands in the salt water and tried to keep his head clear." <--- LAME, BORING

Now, let's see that exact same quote "Robert Jordanized":

"They, being men, sailed well in their boats on the water which at that time of day was still quite watery. And the old man, who was old because he had lived for many a longish year, knuckled his forehead and then he took his hands which were located at the ends of his arms, right next to the wrists, and he looked at them and he looked out at the blue sea and then stared back at his hands again. He noticed the wrinkles in them, which looked deep as canyons over a weathered stretch of dry, barren, devoid of water desert -- and he soaked them in the salt water, which is really water but has a salinity of roughly 3.5% and was created by the Bene Gesserit Aes Sedai witches who after tending to their cycles that wound like wheels of time, tidied up their skirts and with the douche water that was remaining, created the oceans. The old man tried to keep his head clear and devoid of any thoughts but try as he might, he could not shake the memories of Elayne and Min playing nude volleyball against the trolls of Isengard." <----NOW THAT PWNS!!

Jordan also intersperses the series with prologues, epilogues, sequels, movie tie-ins, video games, and histories of Franciscan cheese production. As he becomes better and better at his unique brand of writing, his books begin to contain less and less of things actually happening and more and more romantic tension and political intrigue that moves slower than a crippled homosexual chasing a naked Jenna Jameson.

Completed Works[edit]

We'll let you know when we find some.

See also[edit]