Robert Pattinson

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Wheres My Hair Brush?
I iz Dee Smexii Beast, Noo??
Pattinson, showing off the "recession body"
It's Official
The Next Book

Robert Pattinson was born in London, England. His mother, Clare, became an hero shortly after giving birth to the spawn of fail. Pattinson attended Tower House School where he was unfortunately expelled due to the fact that he was an ass. He became involved in amateur theatre through the Barnes Theatre Company. After some backstage experience there, he took on acting roles. He caught the attention of an acting agent in a production of Tess of the D'Urbervilles and realized that some faggots actually liked him and become a man whore. Since then he has performed in an amateur version of Macbeth at the Old Sorting Office Arts Centre, as well as trying his hand at modeling but failed due to his unfortunate face.

Biography[edit]

The Beginininings[edit]

While Robert pattinson was sitting in his room fucking, his mother groaned that he was the sexiest man alive. He realized "I am no sexy beast" after he came up with that amazing discovery that he was actually fucking his mom. He began to realize what would be more sexier then his 4 inch morning wood is if he did a little under the knife tweeking. So as soon as he we would be done listening to the next album Boy Georges Greatest Hits he would call Mickey Rourkes plastic surgien.

Robert pattinson a.ka "Senior Stoner" is really bad. He always looks stoned and messy and cannot act for shiz. Some believe (.00000000000001% of the population) that under all that stubble and hair there is a nice sexy man. The rest of the population knows that R-PATZ spends his afternoons pretending he is a homeless troll that likes to lay underneath bridges. Whenever someone gets his riddle wrong, he feeds them to his buck-toothed drug-addicted slave, Kristen Stewart.

He was AWFUL in Twilight. Man, the boy had something going for him in Harry Potter, but everything respectable about RPATZ went out the window when he showed off how nasty he was in Twilight. While many people in the theater laughed at how hairy he was, the rest (mainly 12 year olds) gasped at his non-beauty.

(This is clearly a site where everyone hates Robert "The Ugliest Failure Alive" Pattinson.)

"When you read the book," says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, "it's like, 'Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.' I mean, every line is like that. He's the most ridiculous person who's so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn't do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that's how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he's a 108-year-old virgin so he's obviously got some issues there."


Notable Achievements[edit]

Note that this area is blank.Besides that he has a really small penis

Modeling[edit]

Like most to-be faggots he began his modeling career when he was twelve years old, but it wound down only four years later when he started growing chin-pubes and scared away all his employers. He has blamed his lack of work as a model on his masculine appearance (which is only true if masculine is another word for SUPER FUCKING UGLY, which is it by the way). Pattinson explained in December 2008, "When I first started I was quite tall and looked like a girl, so I got lots of jobs. Then, I guess, I became too much of a guy, so I never got any more jobs." I'd consider a sex change if I was you, but I'm glad I'm not. Or am I?...

Acting[edit]

He had supporting roles in the made for television film Ring of the Nibelungs in 2004, although his scenes in the latter were deleted, and only appear on the DVD version because they decided that he was to faggoty to be seen. He was supposed to star in a porno at the Royal Court Theatre, but was fired shortly before the opening night and was replaced by someone with a bigger cock. His to fame was that he played a pedophile in the film Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Fortunately, he was killed off by He who must not be named, AKA, Lord Voldemort. Thank god for that, I say.

Pattinson played a fat asspie in the film Twifaggotry as the angsty, self hating glitterfag, Edward Cullen.

Music[edit]

Pattinson plays guitar and piano, and composes his own shit music. He is known for co-writing Never Gonna Give You Up with Rick Astley with whom he wrote the entire song in the nude with terrified children watching in disgust. He was also known for co-writing you sexy thing which was entitled after himself. Poor lad

Sexy Beast[edit]

These allegations have shocked and appauled the majority of the female community, unless of course they have been brainwashed and turned into his Fangirls.
Counseling is now open for those who have been scarred by this decision.

Hobo[edit]

When he's not being a horrible acter, Robert Pattinson likes to be a hobo. No one knows how he could have made this choice, but we assume it's to scare off the fangirls. If you want to find him you can basically go to any Hollywood dump or your local 99 Cent Adult Store. Be aware though, because he has the unbearable smell of strippers, booze, and burning rubber. Recent tests have calculated that "fangirls" can not smell this because of their prepubescent nature.

How To Kill A Robert Pattinson[edit]

For some reason, this silly bitch is still alive. Naturally, this is rather upsetting, and an embarassment to incubi, zombies, jewelry, inferi, pornstars, vampire wanna-bes (a.k.a. goths), meyerpires, and emo sluts everywhere. The solution?

  • 1) take the high road and ignore him, or
  • 2) since you're reading this god damn article anyway, do something productive and kill the slimy toad! or
  • 3) cut his balls off and burn them.or
  • 4)cut off his penis. Oh wait...he doesn't have one. Never mind.

Here are some ways that have scientifically proven to have 85% Hit + 15% Crit in killing Robert Pattinson:

  • with a comb
  • with small kittens
  • with large kittens
  • with killer kittens
  • by saying the word "Ni!" very loudly
  • with the Hydrangea Bomb
  • with Count Dracula
  • with Mice traps
  • by playing Mouse Trap
  • with in-jokes
  • with out-jokes
  • with sticks and stones
  • by reading this article
  • by telling him anything that could prompt him toward suicide. Don't worry about plausability. He's as gullible as a Crumple Horned Snorkack.
  • by putting glitter all over your body.
  • with the demon barber of fleet street (this despite the fact that he's far too young for any form of shave because his balls haven't dropped yet)
  • call in a favour from Dante
  • with Elmo
  • by ask Dr. Phil to consult him....then he might stop sparkling
  • by stabbing him in his heart; Elizabeth Swann's got it hidden somewhere...
  • with James Brown
  • with Bella Swan's face
  • with Stephanie Meyer's laptop
  • Tyler's van.
  • tell Dracula all about his gayness and get him to do the dirty work for you
  • repeat the above will all other cool vamps for maximum effect
  • Kill Bella
  • Blade
Smoking kills
  • build a time machine and kill him when he was human
  • use a rocket launcher
  • seduece an evil villian and convince him to kill Edward
  • infact tell Voldermort that he never managed to kill Cedric this is a sure win
  • use a small cuddely toy
  • show him this article
  • convince him Bella is a lesbian
  • find a way to turn Bella into a lesbian
  • with a large amount of Mujahideens
  • make him fall in love with a Femma-Nazi. She will sort him out.
  • tell him brad pitt's available; he will have a heart attack from joy

Robert Pattinson the next Jason Bourne?[edit]

My life would be complete.