From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Beneath an exterior of speculative fiction, the narrative of RoboCop conforms to the standard hero's journey. You, as protagonist, should overcome the complications inflicted by your enemies, on a path to the eventual rediscovery of who you truly are.

We warn you that finding who you really are requires more than a simple search function.

- - -
Lewis (right) doing something strange, like breathing.

You may encounter certain technical difficulties during the early phases of robothood. As you are still a human at some base level, these difficulties will take the form of a member of the opposite sex, as per usual.

She will probably stop you in a hallway and ask you if you have a name. Like everything that asks for a username, it is easiest just to step around her right now.

Her name is Lewis, one of the surnames on rotation in unorthodox precincts for the last 30 years. You must remember that you are now a fine example of military hardware, beat level police officers will be fascinated by you. She is just a curious detective, easily distracted by new recruits, names and peeing African American men.

- - -

A few nights after the first issue, your brain wave readings may go off the chart. I personally do not have charts, but I assume the feeling is unpleasant. Kind of like a brain freeze run through a microphone making that screeching sound.

Our team of labcoated engineers tell us that this indicates you have retained the ability to dream. As a robot the only things that can get you hard now are the numbers 0 and 1 so dreaming isn't too great in that respect. However, you are fortunate, as dreaming is the single link to the relationships that existed in your life prior to your computerization.

We find it best you visit the abandoned house of your loved ones.

The easiest way to do this is to search for a gang member robbing a convenience store. He should answer to Emil or another race-neutral name. Should is the important word here, as in you should get ready for an explosion. Honestly, though, fire and brimstone are the equivalent of a bubble bath for your current body.

Once apprehended, scan Emil's rap sheet for involvement recent murders, particularly those of law enforcement agents. As strong as you are on the exterior, your mind should soon resemble the physical form of an asthmatic school chess club member, thanks to the burden of memories left by your dearly departed relatives.

Sadly, they have moved away following your death.

- - -

You should now be in the state of mind to bring a terrible vengeance upon those who left you as a bag of bones on a coroner's table, and deprived Officer Lewis a partner. Congratulations, desire for revenge is an entirely human concept, or else every student who has used a microwave would be screwed.

Indeed, before the climactic meeting with Boddicker and his men, Lewis should offer to help remove your helmet and assist in correcting your damaged aiming system. Receiving a scene that displays the superiority of human emotional attachment over technology, and from a woman.

You lucky human, you.

The value of Lewis will be clear when the cavalry start blasting holes out of you following a failed attempt to arrest Dick Jones on suspicion of involvement with known criminal Boddicker. That is, in the sense she totally saves your ass. She will do the same again in your final confrontation with Boddicker's gang.

It isn't our place to say, but she must really, really like your ass.

If you have followed the process correctly, you should now be ready to press the delete button on Boddicker and throw Jones into the recycle bin from the 125th floor

READ ME (Page One)

CREDITS (Page Two)

FAQ (Page Four)