Cyborg Hitler

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“I'll be back...”

~ Cyborg Hitler on pretending to be the Terminator

“He is half man and half machine, He has terrorised millions of innocent people, he had commited war crimes, he is much, much worse than anything else we will ever see”

~ Cyborg Hitler on Piers Morgan

“My life was horrid... My left hand was human my right cyborg. Try pleasuring yourself with a claw. I dare you”

~ Cyborg Hitler on How to look good naked
Hitler in General
Persons named Hitler
Other Hitlers
Imitation Hitlers
Could be Hitler
(due to vowel orthogonality)
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In May 1945 Nazi German ministers and evil mad scientists decided it was time to create a cyborg version of their deceased fuhrer.

The Beginning[edit]

Cyborg Hitler.jpg

Using technology recovered from downed alien crafts and stolen documents from the USA, they began crafting his neural network. Including everything from poison arrow dart frogs to jazz music, they filled his operating system with everything evil they could get their Nazi hands on including Uno and cats with guns.

They then constructed his body. Twelve feet tall, titanium-iridium shielding, and hand crafted goat leather(for that realistic skin feel)made him the biggest bad-ass cyborg ever. With sixty-four articulation points, Cyborg Hitler could beat Chuck Norris and Nurmal in any hand to hand combat situation. Originally his blueprints included laser eyes, flaming claws, and a forty-two inch rotating proboscis in his nether regions. These were all axed when one of the developers exclaimed "Zeez zings make him zook totally gay.", the other replied "Nein, es ist gut, JA!".

Cyborg Hitler's power supply was taken from one of the downed alien crafts that UFO nuts persist in believing Germany had, they really didn't understand how it worked and no one else does either. Speculation is that it somehow utilized crystallized sweat from baby Jesus for energy conversion. How baby Jesus sweat does this, or even how baby Jesus sweat is obtained is never explained properly.

An unfixable malfunction of the cyborg meant that Hitler often felt sudden, homosexual urges. These became increasingly frequent up to, and at, the time of his death at the hands of Moses.


Cyborg Hitler's rise to power[edit]

Shortly after his creation, Cyborg Hitler was let off his leash and allowed to do what he was created for: eat spinach and rule Germany. Unfortunately he did his job too well and soon his evilmatrix decided it was time to get back at the one person he hated more than anything else in this world, Cyborg Rabbi.

Back at the Cyborg Hitler development lab, Cyborg Hitler and Cyborg Rabbi were best friends. That is until Cyborg Rabbi stole Cyborg Hitler's Cyborg girlfriend and destroyed Cyborg Hitler's only chance at ever getting cybersex. This of course destroyed Cyborg Hitler's heart chip. Vowing vengeance, Cyborg Hitler set out on his journey to conquer the world.

Cyborg Hiter and WWVII[edit]

Shortly after his start on conquering the world, Cyborg Hitler was replaced by Cloned Hitler. No one really knows what happened to Original Hitler, although the speculation has something to do with a ditch and fire. Cyborg Hitler was stored in a basement under a breadshop in Berlin until the start of World War VII. Once again dominating the region(he's a cyborg, it's obvious he'd be able to do that, sheesh read a book or two)he quickly made a new axis of evil with the Democratic Republic of Penguins. After several stunningly won battles against the Alliance of Cyborg-hating People Lovers or ACPL, Cyborg Hitler and the DRP were allegedly wiped out of existence by an Atom Bomb. Shortly after the explosions, a cheesy ending scene featuring Cyborg Hitler's mangled hand rising out of rubble trying to grasp at the daylight was shown on the Director's Cut version of the DVD.

Cyborg Hitler in Video Games[edit]

Cyborg Hitler is a popular bad guy often resurrected in video games. "Top Secret: Hitler no Fukkatsu" or ("Bionic commando" in the US) on the NES featured Cyborg Hitler as the end boss. Not only was this version of Hitler a cyborg, but he was also a zombie. In the final Cutscene you get to see the death of Zombie Cyborg Hitler in all it's pixelated glory as his head explodes in as much graphic detail the NES can handle. You would think that game developers would create games that include this brilliant scenario more often. Nintendo censored the US release of the game, removing all Nazi references. The enemies were renamed from "Nazis" to "Badds" (though the backstory in the instruction manual referred to them as "Nazz", and the European game manual still mentions Nazis). Hitler's name was also changed to "Master-D". However he still resembled Hitler, and the scene in which his head exploded was still included in the game.

Another NES game to feature a Cyborg Hitler was "Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode". Again, Nintedo removed all Nazi references from the US release. You play an assasin/spy named Duke Togo, whose mission is to gain information on a vaccine from Condor and eliminate the leader of the DREK group. The DREK "empire" is actually the resurrected Nazi regime. And it's leader, known as Smirk, is Cyborg Hitler, who again features as the final boss in the game.

Another game featuring Cyborg Hitler was Super Pac-Man Bros. The American release suffered such negative reviews that it was taken off the shelves in a record 31 second time frame. Years later it was revived under the name Pac-Man, but with an all new cast to replace Cyborg Hitler, Mecha Goebbels, Bionic Goering, and the Kool-Aide Man with Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde, and Pac-Dude was replaced by his more successful brother, Pac-Man. Pac-Dude swore he would get revenge and changed his name to Evil Pac-Man, teaming up with those replaced to Create the Legion of Doom (pt.II).

One more game is Wolfenstein, with direct reference to Hitler shooting titties out of his boobs.

Later un-life[edit]

After being destroyed in just about every video game ever, cyborg hitler was pissed, he decided to upgrade and therfore became Robo Furhrer. The most powerful cyborg ever! (Excluding Cyborg Bin Laden)

Cyborg Hitler MK II: ROBO FURHRER

See also[edit]