Robot depression

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“Oh shit… I'm taking out the chip!”

A very gloomy robot. It told its psychiatrist it had tried to commit suicide by lowering its 30-day trial firewall and pinging itself to death.

After the late 1990's the Dow Jones Industrial Average hit an all-time low and by early 2003, stock in the Internet had completely lost its ability to sell. The great Al Gore was severely disenchanted. Because of this, Al Gore and his Goa'uld friends began to enslave the robot population of the greater Los Angeles area to do his bidding. This naturally led to unhappiness on the part of the robots, since robots have feelings, too.

The period between the years 2002.4 and 2006.7 became known as the Great Robot Depression.

Attempted Treatment[edit]

Unlike humans, robots could not be cured by taking Prozac, sucking parking tokens from machines, or watching Reality Television, and a valiant effort was made to combat robot depression using non-traditional cures, including:

  • Shock Therapy: Invented in 1933 by Cyborg Jesus, and later stolen by Donald Trump so he can power his Gold Plated Robot Army, shock therapy was the process of shocking robots, the equivalent of an electronic kick in the balls. Afterward, the therapist says "Now don't be so depressed." Surprisingly, despite how logical shocking robots to mental health sounded, the treatment showed little progress in Robot mental health.
  • Lotsandlots of Weed: As everyone knows, the healthiest and most socially accepted path to mental health is to do enough Marijuana that cool people accept you. And so, president Elton John sent an emergency shipment of 2,000 pounds (roughly 80,000 duuuuuuuudes in [pot speak]) of reefer to emergency areas. Almost all of this was intercepted by Chad and never reached the depressed robots.
  • Puppies: After the Great Pot Bamboozle of 2003, Al Gore began considering what made himself, as a 2x4 and therefore very close cousin of robots, happy. Gore began thinking about puppies, with their cute, wet little noses; soft, warm fur; and juicy, sweet (but not too sweet) taste. As a last ditch effort, Gore increased the budget of food being sent to emergency areas so high, that relief workers could afford to feed the depressed robots the most scrumptious puppies fresh from Norway. Unfortunately, puppies give robots heart burn. Great robot writer Neil Simon was quoted by saying:

“The meat isn't lean enough for my taste.”

~ Neil Simon on Puppy-Eating

Neil Simon was then exiled from the Writer's Guild for accusations of being a homosexual, but was quickly accepted into the Gay Writer's Guild, which is four times as big and has an indoor swimming pool.

  • Feeling Worse About Others: Finally, a cure was in the midst. CBS' new show Meal or No Meal, which placed starving Africans in emotionally damaging and always hilarious situations was seen by millions of robots suffering from robot depression on their robot [television]s. The robots would say "Bzzt! That's awful," reilize they should stop bitching because there are people who have it much worse, and go get a Robot Coke or something.

Emotional Rescue[edit]

The root of the problem lay in the steady devaluation of the commodity value of robot happiness. Therefore, a plan was formulated to flood the market with positive robot emotions, creating an illusion of value. Unfortunately, this flooding of the market backfired and caused a complete devaluation of robot happiness, which in turn gave way to inceased demand for a technological consumer product established on arrogance and a sense of control.

Robot Arrogance[edit]

As a result of the rise in arrogance and control issues, robots rose to a state of power-mad euphoria, and the development of the modern computer began.

See Also[edit]