Rock music

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Rock music.
A typical rock band.
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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Rock music.

“It's gonna be smooth jazz from now on kids.”

~ Liberache on rock music

Rock music' has the distinction of being one of the world's most popular musical genres, only people with devillish tendency listen to rock music.

History[edit]

You'll see him soon if you listen to rock music.

Rock started during the '50s with some dude called Chuck Berry that thought that he wanted to fuck with the souls of ordinary and primarily White people, and decided to sell his soul to Satan. Then, some guy called Elvis decided he could actually make money off this soul-sucking sound. He copied Berry, but then was unfortunately killed by the army. The would later reappear, to fake his own death on a toilet. Officially, Nick Jonas invented rock and named it after his favorite type of stone.

The music developed during the '60s, where the bands started doing drugs and desperately tried to bring some hope to the genre with their "art rock". This was however ruined by the fact that most of the art was still satanic (and not art at all, just noise). In the late '60s the evil music developed to it's purest form: Hard rock was created. Hard rock consists out of mindless screaming, guitars making squeeling noises, blood, fire and death. This developed into even more extreme evil in the early '70s, called heavy metal. Heavy metal was the most groundshaking, bone-crushing and Christ-hating music ever, the mere sound of it was enough to kill small children. However, this wasn't enough. During the '80s came the dreaded death metal, which is unholy and should not be spoken of. Since then rock music has been immensely popular amongst black people, with up to 98% of people who listen to rock music being black. Well it was that way, until that wigger Elvis came along.


"Yeah, all very well, man. But you forgot the Blues, man. I mean how can you forget such classics as:

(Na naaaah na nah)

I made love to my baby

(Na naaaah na nah)

The other day

(Na naaah na nah)

She said "Goo goo ga ga gah"

(Na Naaah na nah)

So they put me away......"

"OI GLITTER, BACK TO YOUR CELL THIS INSTANT!!"

Musically[edit]

Rock music acts as a way of escaping good music for those who prefers soul-eating garbage, as pop music expands one's mind with wonderful, easy listening and safe music because of the catchy, nice hooks and godloving artists, such as Britney Spears and Spice Girls. People have the natural instinct to listen to something that doesn't give you headache, so that's why rock is so unpopular among us humans (people who listen to rock are filthy beasts from the pits of hell). If one don't have any urge to listen to the afore mentioned artists, the Devil in ones head continues to fill up and the victim becomes an evil rock fan. Because rock music is so terribly satanist it is able to twist the minds of the once uncorrupted youth and bring them to the dark side.

Lyrics[edit]

The lyrics of rock music talk about... Many terrible things. For example, the lyrics of Led Zeppelin's song "Black Dog" speak about Afro-American rights:

"Hey, hey, mama, said the way you move
Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove.
Ah, ah, child, way you shake that thing
Gonna make you burn, gonna make you sting.
Hey, hey, baby, when you walk that way
Watch your honey drip, can't keep away."

Rock music in popular culture[edit]

Rock music is most common in news as many rock songs got backmasked messages that tells the poor teens that listen to that crap to commit suicide or kill their parents. Also, there was some late night show for vampires and devil worshippers only playing rock music on the radio once. It got shut down as the rate of people murdering each other rose with 500 % during the two weeks the show was aired. Rock music is never used in film soundtracks as it can even make Godzilla look like a bad movie.

go to myspace to listen to the random spoons[edit]

Rock is evil, that's quite obvious by now (if not, you are stupid). However, the evil is split up in many different kinds of evil, some being more terrible (and evil) than others. To be correct, there are many hundred kinds of rock out there, and covering them all would kill Uncyclopedias bandwidth instantly. However, here are some notable ones:

Rock and roll[edit]

As continuing with the theme of the page, this genre put forth a notable revolution in musical advancement when first produced in the 1960's. Fully praised by all god-worshipping, soul-preserving peoples of the world, rock should be accepted by everyone as the dominant (and least satanic) form of music. Examples are Evils and Chuck Berry.

Although many volunteers offer their time to the preservation and growth of rock and roll, the majority of people claim that it has been futile since Rod Stewart single handedly killed rock and roll in 1977 after turning to the dark side.

Psychedelic rock[edit]

Take nineteen-fifties rock and roll - drop a tab of acid - smoke a joint - and draw influence from blues or folk music or some crazy thing that has nothing do with rock. take the resulting 'song' (which should be a minimum of eight minutes long), then add lyrics about dreams, hallucinations, and visions, add alot of echo and wierd distorted electric sound effects, and add some bizarre instrument like a harpsicord or a sitar, and you get psychedelic rock. Psychedelic rock is so saturated in drugs that you can practically SEE the music (even without the benefit of having actually done any drugs yourself). I would give you some examples of psychedelic rock bands, but you wouldn't have actually heard of them, loser. What, don't believe me? alright, smartass. Ever heard of The Electric Prunes? Or The Thirteenth Floor Elevators? How about Quicksilver Messenger Service, or Moby Grape, or The Charlatans, or Great Society? No? Ha, I thought so. You're not near hip enough for that groovy stuff, dude, man. Anyway, psychedelic rock music is deeply rooted in..............like, whoa. look at that! dude, a neon-colored tree just sprouted out of my table top! like, whoa. like, oh man.............

Hard rock[edit]

This shit is evil, that's final. It got earthquaking rythm, noisy guitar and vocals (you can't call it singing) that can makes kitten huffing seem comfortable for the kitten. Lyrics are about violence, sex, satanism, drinking vast quantities of alcohol, and getting stoned. Examples are Led Zeppelin, AC/DC,Guns N' Roses, Blue Oyster Cult(GODZILLA!!!!!), and Van Halen (Pre-Hagar).

Glam rock[edit]

This is rock and roll with a gay theme, with lyrics I'MA about raping, sex and satanism. Most artists are damned satanist fags wearing drag, seducing poor teens into having unprotected sex and therefore dying in AIDS. Examples are David Bowie and T Rex. All the representatives of glam rock want to be women. Or to look like women. It's all fine as long as the real women are excluded. Nobody actually knows when it all started, but they all expect the coming of some alien glam rock superstar who will call himself messiah (after many years of discussion the conclusion led us to believe that it is NOT Bowie, but Jobriath). Speaking of Holy Jobriath, there are some scholars who believe that this man/thing/alien/gay is made of marble and does not have legs. Glam rock took many forms and it is most important to know - the music is the least important.

Progressive rock[edit]

This is the twisted, strange form of evil, usually consisting out of weird noises lasting for 20 minutes or more. After hearing a progressive rock piece, people tend to go mad and kill themself, although that maybe has something to do with the backmasked messages that are as important as a 10 minute guitar solo in progressive rock. Examples are Pink Floyd and King Crimson.

Arena rock[edit]

Loud and made for playing in big arenas. That's a lie, as arena is a slang name for underground lairs of evil. No-one would ever let people play rock music in public, fool. However, the sheer volume of this shit can reach every corner of the earth easily. In fact, Deep Purple concerts rendered everyone within a 2 mile radius deaf. Examples are Queen, and Foreigner.

Space rock[edit]

Space rock is when you smoke pot then think you can play music "Puff Puff Pass"

Pop rock[edit]

Pop rock is not rock, either. It's just pop with an added guitar and it involves people who can't actually sing (mostly about nothing), and can't play music. A GREAT example is the Jonas Brothers. Yeah, that's right, I said it. Suck it, Bitch!

Soft rock[edit]

Soft is about as soft as rock gets. Technically it's jsut not very loud rock however many people only consider piano rock or neo-progressive rock soft rock. Popular soft rock bands/artists include Billy Joel ,The Beatles, Eric Clapton (modern work).

Punk rock[edit]

Those who rock, rock and those who rock don't play punk. Some rockers didn't like the other kinds of rock because they 'didn't get it', so they created punk rock. The only difference is that this is faster and the highbrow lyrics are mostly political (like "I hate the president / I wanna kill the president / I'm asking you to kill the president / Kill the president / Kill kill kill kill kill kill"). Examples are Sex Pistols, The Ramones and The Clash.

Note that most teens that listen to this bullshit actually try to kill the president afterwards, but fail. The reason it is not covered in news is simply because it is so common nowadays, calling it "news" would be a lie.

Hardcore punk[edit]

These are just like normal punks, just faster, even more stupid, angry, screaming and rebellious. Like those dipshits in Black Flag and Minor Threat.

Grunge[edit]

I dunno, some punk and metal and stuff is involved here. It is evil, anyway. And dirty. Some dudes called Nirvana made this popular for some short period some time ago, I think. Examples are Nirvana (duh), Soundgarden and Pearl Jam. There has been arguing if grunge really isn't just normal power ballads, as it got soft verses and "heavy" choruses, and angsty themes. Grunge kinda died in a freak salad bar accident, so theres not much else to say (strangely enough that's how indie was born)

Alternative rock[edit]

Alot of men dressing like woman and singing like it to...basically a band of Trannys those kind of men ruined the original Alternative

Indie rock[edit]

Whoops, wrong page, see pop music. I've had the same jeans on for days terrible lyric.

Heavy metal[edit]

Put hard rock, blues rock and Satan in a mixer and this is what you will get. Heavy, mindcrushing evil in it's purest form with death, sex and violence being the most common themes. Aware of this, dear people. Aware. Examples are Black Sabbath and Deep Purple.

New wave of British heavy metal[edit]

Put hard rock, blues rock, Satan, and British people in a mixer and this is what you will get. Heavy, accent-laden evil in it's purest form with death, sex and killing the Scots being the most common themes, usually all at once. Aware of this, dear chaps. Aware. Examples are Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, and The Monkees.

Thrash metal[edit]

This is heavy metal on meth. Lyrics are usually fast and aggressive, with heavy distortion, unnecessary noises, and themes such as killing babies. Lots of babies. Rotting ones, on trees, with maggots spewing out of every orifice in their body... AUGHAHAHA SATAN WANTS YOUR SOUL! Examples are Slayer, Pantera and Megadeth.

Glam metal[edit]

Heavy metal and glam rock mixed for the ultimate gay evil. Lyrics? Sex, and girls, girls, girls. Which is kind of funny, all those songs about girls while they push homoeroticism to the max. Examples are Europe and Mötley Crüe. It all started when glam rock decided to kill itself, because they couldn't wait for their messiah any longer. BUT, Jobriath appeared in visions and dreams of some and told them that his intergalactic superturbular megacool spaceship is broken and his alien citizens won't buy his records, so he can't afford to repair it. He just said: "Wait a bit more."

Death metal[edit]

Once upon a time, the Grim Reaper wondered how it would sound if he tried to play some metal. So he took the souls of innocent living men and made them play his evil music. Death metal is screaming, extreme, painful and got lyrics about death, satan, necrophilia, violence and death. Examples are Cannibal Corpse and Possessed.

Black metal[edit]

Once upon a time, the Devil wondered how it would sound if he played some metal to compete with the Grim Reaper. So he took the souls of sodomy-obsessed innocent living men and made them play his evil music. Black metal is screaming, extreme, nasty and got lyrics about satan, killing christ, sodomy, death, nazism, satan, satan, santa, Santana, and satan. Sorry, got carried away there for a moment. Examples are Rotting Santa,BurzumSatanic Warmaster and The Jonas Brothers.

Doom metal[edit]

How to be emotional and suicidal and manly at the same time? Well, the Swedes and the Brits figured it out simultaneously while playing the bloody evil video game DOOM. They made heavy metal h..e..a..v..i..e..r, ....... s..l..o..w..e..r, ....... d...a...r...k...e...r. And thus the most morbid, friggin' sluggish noise in the entire town was born. Lyrics? Death, dying, tears, graveyards, death, death and death. Examples are My Dying Bride, or any band whose name has "dying" in it.

Nu metal[edit]

Put all of the aforementioned genres in a big melting pot, together with stuff that doesn't have anything to do with rock at all such as rap, techno or reggae, and you'll get the worst music ever. Mostly "cool" people listen to this music People who believe that they're "cool" listen to this crap, but they are really just too stupid to listen to real metal (which is not gay crap). All Nu Metal bands have now abandoned their roots because at the begining of their careers they knew this music was goin to sell. They now play some form of newly created Pussy rock created by Linkin Park, so now Linkin Park whine about 'what they have done' and 'leaving out all the rest'. Lyrics are about angsty suicides, "internal struggles" and stuff. Examples are Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit. And what the hell happened to Fred Durst?

Do You Listen to Rock Music?[edit]

<poll> Do You Listen to Rock Music?

Yes, because it's cool Yes, because if I didn't listen to it, Elvis would kill my mother No, because it's crummy and stupid No, because it's evil and satanic </poll>

What is Your Favorite Genre of Rock?[edit]

<poll> What is Your Favorite Genre of Rock?

Psychedelic rock Hard rock Glam rock Oppressive rock Arena rock Space rock Pop rock Soft rock Punk rock Hardcore punk rock Grunge rock Alternative rock Indie rock Progressive Rock Heavy metal Thrash metal Glam metal Death metal Black metal Doom metal Nu metal All of them None of them </poll>