Roman Abramovich

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“I can buy you all”

~ Roman Abramovich on Himself

“I'm oil magnate, I'm billionaire, I'm oil magnate, twizzle my hair...TWIZZLE IT!”

~ Roman Abramovich's Press Conference

“I wouldn't mind a bit of that cash!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Roman's Money
Roman Abramovich: wearing the traditional Russian ferret.

Yomanramhimheismybitch (pronounced "Yo man Avram's me bitch") is the richest man in the universe and is composed entirely of oil. He is also a Joo. It is thought his stare is so intimidating that looking in to his eyes will result in convulsions. He was born in Russia in a dingy hotel to a prostitute with syphilis on June 1st 2003. His chemical make-up meant that he immediately became the richest 0 year old ever and he immediately bought Chelsea FSKI for £1.99. In 2006 he bought the Earth for an undisclosed sum of money and he is thinking of turning it inside out because he feels the crust is too "rank".

Early Life[edit]

Since Roman is only 4 years old his early life is also his entire life. Most experts agree that his life has so far been "eventful" especially his campaign to move the Sun closer to his house. He had a near-death experience when he was only 2, when his helicopter became entangled in Madonna's hair above Buckingham Palace. The Queen complained about the noise but Abramovich bought her voice box and she was quickly silenced. The Duke of Edinburgh said he was glad to have some peace at last.

Since Abramovich took control of Chelsea FC the club has seen unusual success beating even the unbeatable team of monkeys also known as Tottenham Hotspur. Roman says this is purely down to his tactical decision to sign 1966 World Cup winner England to his team.

Roman became the youngest person ever to get married at the age of 3. Usually this would be illegal and the Justice System would take over, however it just so happens that Abramovich owns absolutely everything and therefore is above the law. His wife, pornstar Katie Price is rumoured to be slightly older than the Russian gazillionaire which is the talk of the town (the town being London).

Coolest man evAR

Chemical Composition[edit]

Russian <- Romanium -> Oilium
Name Romanium
Symbol Ro
Number 88
Kinkiness moderate to high
Physical Properties
Melting point -100000 °C, or maybe -100000 °F
Boiling point 100000 °C, or maybe 100000 °F
Flavour Chocolatey
Atomic Weight >100
Known Isotopes All known assets
Electric Charge High

It is widely known that Roman Abramovich is also known as the chemical substance "oil". Many worshippers believe oil is exactly like oxygen but tastier however the taste has never been confirmed since all those who have inhaled it have unfortunately died of unknown illnesses. Roman in 2003 decided that he should have his own element and erased the element Radium so that his new element Romanium could have number 88. This caused serious problems especially for owners of Radium watches who suddenly found they couldn't tell others the time.


Pop Career[edit]

In 2004, at the age of 1, Roman Abramovich recorded his first and only single entitled, "I'm Too Rich For Your Mom". The song was an instant success reaching #1 within two hours and eventually sold over 7 billion copies meaning more than enough for every person on Earth. In reality, 6.9 billion were bought by Abramovich himself and are currently stored somewhere in the vicinity of Paris Hilton's anal cavity. Abramovich has been called a "One-hit wonder" but insists that he is just taking a break from the pressure of the music industry. The fact that Roman is able to communicate this is in itself intriguing since he is unable to speak because he's made from oil