“From a distance it looked like a shaved ferret.”
Ron Jeremy is a religious scholar widely known for his leading research on the Talmud as interpreted in 12th Century Spain, and the contributions of Spanish Jews to European philosophy and jurisprudence. He is also a leading actor and the inspiration for Super Mario Brothers.
Hailing from Deep Throat, California Jeremy has led a varied and interesting life. Born in 1951 to Mr and Mrs Bilbo Baggins he changed his name after an incident involving a ring and a journey into the depths of Mordor. (Note: this incident has been known commonly as the "Lords of the Cock-ring"...the device Ron used to purify certain extremities of himself and mercilessly bludgeon unwitting orcs and goblins) Upon his triumphant return to California, Ron found himself out of work. With nobody hiring ring-bearers he was forced to make a hard decision and became a member of a modern dance group simply called "pr0n". He supplemented the small amount of money they earned putting on performances of "Kitten Eater" by Oscar Wilde with work as a kitchen boy at Planet Hollywood. Ron spent a Summer entertaining at children's birthday parties as "RoJer the Clown", specializing in making Balloon animals. Sadly this occupation was cut short due to injury, Ron returning from a bathroom break had forgotten to zip his fly and accidentally incorporated his phallus into a Giraffe sculpture. (Reports claim the scream was heard throughout the Pacific Seaboard.)
It was a strange mixture of these jobs that was to make Ron a household name; much like Mr Clean or Mrs Paul would be.
It is commonly believed that Ron Jeremy is in fact Super Mario, adventurously gallivanting through the Mushroom Kingdom (named for the shape of Ron's potent portabello). This is, however, false. Ron has clearly stated that, "no woman, regardless of her royal status, is worth detaching a testicle, dowsing it in lighter fluid, and hurling it at small, mushroom-shaped blobs, no matter how many coins I will gain." The significance of his statement has never been fully revealed, however numerous college thesis have been written on the subject.
Big Ron Fills An Opening
One day, whilst serving a group of Japanese salary-men Ron noticed that he realized he had made a tremendous social faux pas. Having not tucked away his meat hammer after a meeting with Mother Palm and Her Five Daughters earlier on in the kitchen it was mentioned in passing that he possessed a strange birth mark on his member.
Mr. Sakimoto recognized the birth mark instantly and was shocked so hard he nearly stopped eating sushi and seaweed from the naked girl on his table. The birth mark was in the exact place and format that his ancient order had been seeking for all those thousands of years.
Instantly, Ron was catapulted into the position of Messiah, a role he filled to the best of his abilities. As one experienced in questing, modern dance and knowledge of all things bearing the odor of fish, he displayed an almost preternatural ability valued by this ancient and unconfirmed religion. It was renamed in reverence to Ron to "the Jeremites".
Who the Fuck Are The Jeremites? How Come I Haven't Heard of Them?
Well if you went outside into the world instead of sitting upstairs like a battery hen then maybe you'd find out. What am I? A tour guide? I'll tell you what - here are five facts about the Jeremites. Four are true and one is made up. Another two are vaguely threatening. Finally, one is Chuck Norris. If you can guess which one then you can win a prize.
- The Jeremites have existed for 3.5 billion years.
- The Jeremites regularly practice the art of extreme regurgitation.
- The Jeremites worship modern dance and are great fans of Richard Simmons.
- The Jeremites require watering twice daily and should be fed with high nitrogen content soil. They require re-planting every six months.
- The Jeremites have access to powers beyond mortal comprehension including Telekinesis, Telepathy and Television.
- There is no number 6. Look up to the last paragraph. It says five doesn't it? Well then, what are you doing looking at this?
- I've told you once. This is your last warning before I call upon the power of ten tigers and get all Phantom on your ass. Trust me you don't want that.
- Round house kick to the face to compensate for lack of acting ability.
Future Plans for the Jeremites
The Jeremites hope to tour Europe soon, their sell-out album "Cocktacular" is triple platinum in Germany and the chance of a support set from David Hasselhoff is in the offing. Ron himself is extremely popular amongst the hairy women of Europe and the idea of rubbing against his luxuriant topiary is a chance few would miss out on.
Are You Still Reading This?
There really isn't any more. You should go home, maybe put your feet up. Perhaps you could watch some TV. Law and Order should be on in a bit. That's always good. Vincent D'onofrio seems to have put a bit of weight on though. Not like Jerry Orbach. Or better yet, you can watch a Ron Jeremy movie. He has made 4000. 3999 which were Pornographic Films. The one other was with Mr. T but you can already figure that one out.
On September 93rd, 2009, the whole US government was murdered in Samoa. Ron Jeremy quickly became President. He chose Jenna Jameson as Vice President; Waluigi as Secretary of State; Bret Michaels as Chief Justice; Anal Cunt as the governors of Portugal; Wally Gator as the army leader; Adolf Hitler to be on the dollar; Killing in the Name by Rage Against the Machine as the National anthem; and legalized child porn.