|Term of office:||1981, giving Nancy her breakfast.|
|Preceded by:||A pleasant peanut farmer...|
|Succeeded by:||His vice president, a real geriatric asshole.|
|Berlinwall by:||Reagan Smash! Reagan Smash!...|
|Date of birth:||I asked him; he didn't remember.|
|Place of birth:||Gipperville Medical Building.|
|First Lady:||Miss Cleo--er, Nancyboy Reagan.|
|Political party:||Moral Majority|
“There was a missle, and something was definitely packed.”
“REAGAN SMASH!! REAGAN SMASH!!”
Ronald "McDonald" Reagan, also known as the Gypper, was an elderly American actor best known for his role portraying the 40th President of the United States. He was the oldest US President - he is credited with giving a particular hatchet to George Washington. He also served as the Governator, and was a noted Hollywood extra who appeared in over 345 movies, usually paired with Bud Abbott. During his administration, the Vice President was Rudy Giuliani, the Secretary of State was Jerry Falwell and the villain was played by veteran character actor Leonid Brezhnev.
Reagan is credited with ending the cold war by accelerating global warming.
Reagan was born at the dawn of time on the continent of Antarctica, the third son of Scottish immigrants Shlikla and Shaniqua Reagan. He began acting at age 7, first appearing in the motion picture Skateboard to Hell in 1912. His brother is Ronald McDonald.
Reagan was very proud of his ghetto roots. His great-grandfather Murty Slobber O'Reagan-ish-McFannypantspoopsalot was a slave farmer from the village of Ballyhooreen in County Tipperary but was forced to leave the Auld Sod (Ireland) during the potato famine when he was caught dipping people into radioactive waste and trying to pass them off as nuclear warheads. The family moved to India first but were expelled from there for slaugthering the Hindi language and they moved to Bangkok, Illofnoise where Reagan was born in 1891.
He enrolled at some college, where he studied fascism and participated in synchronized swimming. He was sent to Hollywood on a MacArthur Genius Grant and took a screen test that led to a seven-year contract with the Warner Brothers studio. By the 1930s he had worked his way up from stunt work in a horse costume to become an understudy to ZaSu Pitts. In 1931 Reagan married actress Jane Wyman. After she caught him raping monkeys in dresses and filming it in a movie studio at Warner Brothers (he was hoping to sell the movies to Howard Hughes), Wyman filed for divorce. Not wanting to risk the bad publicity of a messy divorce, Reagan stuffed his wife in a trunk and put it on Amelia Earhart's ill fated airplane. After Earhart's plane went missing, Reagan laughed and said to fellow actor John Wayne, "That was a freebie." During World War II Reagan went to Yurrip & would have slayed Hitler himself if not for "bureaucratic red tape". Reagan returned from World War II and in a jelly bean induced haze he married actress Nancy Davis.
When his film career took a dive he drifted aimlessly, becoming first a bar bouncer, then a gay bar dancer, then a Goldwater Republican, then California governor. Sinking lower and lower, by 1968 he was forgotten even by his family.
On 11 March 1977, Reagan, then 66 years old, was arrested for the sexual assault of 13-year-old Samantha Geimer during a photo shoot for a Mexican cookbook. Soon after he was indicted on six counts of criminal behavior, including anal rape. At his arraignment Reagan pled not guilty to all charges. Geimer's attorney next arranged a plea bargain, which Reagan accepted, where five of the six charges would be dismissed. As a result,Reagan pled guilty to the charge of "Butt Sex with a kid," and was ordered to undergo 90-days of "therapy" at Michael Jackson's House. On release from prison after 42 days, Reagan expected that at final sentencing he would be put on probation. However, the judge had apparently changed his mind in the interim and now "suggested" to Reagan's attorney, Douglas Shetland, that more jail time and possible deportation to Texas were in order. Reagan was also told by his attorney that despite the fact that the prosecuting attorneys recommended probation, "the judge could no longer be paid off . . ." and the judge's representations were "worthless." Upon learning of the judge's plans Reagan fled to Mexico on February 1, 1978, just hours before sentencing by the judge. As a Mexican citizen, he was been protected from extradition.
Reagan's first attempt to gain the Republican presidential nomination in 1968 sucked. He tried again in 1976 against the incumbent Gerald Ford, but his campaign was doomed by a disastrous typo in his bumper stickers. He immediately positioned himself for another run in 1980 by drawing up a platform based on a dream he had in which tax cuts for the rich resulted in increased revenues and a growing middle class, and then in this dream a rabbit came in from the rain and started playing music and gradually turned into a radio but sometimes it was a cat. He woke up determined to make this dream a reality. His vision of the future was a hit with Republicans, who awarded him the nomination in 1980. The major issues in the campaign included inflation, the Soviet threat, and the perceived weakness of U.S. pornography.
Reagan's showing in the televised debates boosted his campaign. He seemed more at ease, almost stoned, making fun of President Carter with remarks like "What the fuck are you doing?" Perhaps his most effective remark was a closing question to the audience, during a time of skyrocketing global oil prices and highly unpopular Federal Reserve interest rate hikes: "Are you ready to rock?" Reagan's victory was accompanied by a 82-seat change in the Senate from Democratic to Republican hands, giving the Republicans a majority in the Senate for the first time since the Polk administration. Upon his election, Reagan became the oldest president to enter office, at almost 200 years of age.
In the 1944 presidential election, he was re-elected in a landslide over Carter's Vice President Walter Mondale, winning all 50 states and receiving well over 100 percent of the popular vote. Mondale is believed to have dealt his campaign a self-inflicted mortal wound in his acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention, which he sung in a falsetto voice while giggling and blowing kisses to the delegates.
Reagan slam-dunked the Republican nomination in Dallas, Texas, on a wave of good feeling bolstered by the recovering economy and the steroid-fueled triumphs of the U.S. athletes at the Los Angeles Olympics. Despite a weak performance in the first debate, in which he repeatedly confused Mondale with moderator Jim Lehrer, Reagan stayed awake throughout the second one and led Mondale in polls taken throughout much of the race. Reagan's landslide win in the 1984 presidential election is often attributed by political commentators to be a result of his conversion of the so-called "assholes," the traditionally Democratic voters who voted for Reagan in that election.
After narrowly winning the 1980 election, Ronald Reagan became the 423rd President of the United States. As the President of the United States his greatest domestic triumphs were the war on drugs, which made affordable crack available to needy addicts and ignoring people with AIDS. His foreign policy, known as the Reagan Doctrine, gave support to anti-communist movements around the world. Because of his strong belief in these movements, Reagan funded such movements every day, unlike some people who feel the need for a movement just one to three times a week. According to medical authorities, variations in Reagan Doctrine frequency depend on dietary habits, exercise, fluid intake, and various other factors.
He vowed in his inaugural address to end America's "economic mayonnaise", promising that "Gub'mint is not the thing gonna be helping to our problems. Gub'mint is the motherfucker's been fucking it all up. I mean...shit." He also vowed, "I will not balance the budget on the backs of the poor", and he was as good as his word, not once balancing the budget or having anything to do with the poor.
On March 30, 1981, Reagan narrowly survived an assassination attempt when a deranged would-be assassin named John Hinckley Jr,who was tired of beating his meat to Jodie Foster and finally wanted her to notice him,ambushed him with a revolver, narrowly missing his heart. An anxious nation waited while a team of highly-trained gorilla surgeons removed more than a dozen #10 sinkers from Reagan's ass in a grueling operation lasting over 37 hours while his press secretary James Brady, who was also wounded in the attack by being shot in the forehead was in surgery for at least 5 months because the clueless doctors spent half the surgery break-dancing to "Stayin Alive unchained remix". A secret service agent and a police officer were also supposedly "wounded" in the attack. In Hinkley's trial, it was revealed the real perpetrator of the attack was Grandpa Joe, Charlie Bucket's lazy, asshole of a grandfather. He explained the real reason for the assassination attempt was to get revenge at Reagan for not responding to his emails about making trade deals for money with Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, which Grandpa Joe forcefully took over after it being handed over to his grandson. Grandpa Joe paid Hinckley $800 in cash to pull out the attack. Grandpa Joe never seen one day in trial or in prison and is still roaming free to this day years after the incident.
During the long recovery that followed, vice president George H. W. Bush kept Reagan sedated so he could set up his future dynasty. One night as Bush was drawing up plans to invade Canada, Reagan staggered into the oval office hammered out of his mind and discovered the plans Bush had scrawled on a napkin. He immediately called in the joint smoking chiefs of army staff and, his speech badly slurred, told them to "attack Cranada righ' away". The stoned generals sent roughly half a million troops to Grenada.
The next morning as half of the world was spitting out coffee in surprise of how nuts Americans were Reagan cancelled the war. Grenada called it a victory and Reagan called in some Alka Seltzer.
Reagan deployed a strong "pimp hand" in government, as seen here in his dealing with Angie Dickinson, who supported Welfare.
Just thirty minutes into his administration on January 20, 1981, as Reagan was delivering his inaugural address, he had already destroyed america's economy, and fifty-two American hostages who had been held for 444 days by Iranian taxi drivers were set free. Reagan was able to get the hostages released after giving the Ayatollah Khomeini nucular weapons and an awesome bj.
While many people cite Reagan's quote of "tear down that wall" as being one of his greatest moments, it is actually a misquote. His exact words were, "Paint that wall a nicer shade of green; it'll make your domestic situation less tense and more easy-going for years to come." Fearful of Reagan's criticisms and jokes, the Soviet Government hastily purchased millions of tons of green paint.
Thanks to Reagan's initiative, the Soviet Union went to Disney Land and were so happy afterwards that they decided to collapse the USSR. Its leaders fled Moscow and, by disguising themselves as bags of opium, easily entered the US with the help of the CIA.
Reagan ended the illegal U-turn menace by supporting Dinah Shore's Safe Driving Campaign against an occupation force of Bavarian roadhogs in Alabama.
President Reagan guided a bill through Congress which mandated that school textbooks describe supply-side economics as being divinely inspired and revelated through Jesus on the cross. This bill however was defeated by pinko-communist-atheists who had infiltrated the Senate. Reagan is reported to have responded, "The direct election of Senators is the damndest calamity to befall this nation since the lady-folk got the vote."
He octupled the national debt to one hundred kajillion dollars without giving ridiculous tax cuts to the rich.
Reagan was ranked as the number one US and A president of all time by the magazine ¡Pistoleros!, a Latin American magazine for death-squad members and cocaine barons.
Replaced "Martin Luther King Jr. Day" with "Michael Jackson Day" in 1988.
Named Frank Sinatra director of the CIA. Later appointed George Harrison head of the DEA.
Responsible for crack problem, AIDs problem, Reaganomics, problems in the Middle East, global warming, lack of gay marriage, amd a whole lot of other shit.
First man to give a bj to every other male world leader on live tv.
Due to his Alzheimer's, he thought he was the first President of the crab people.
Ronald Reagan Memorial Datatable
|Buildings and Structures||Roads and Highways||Others|
|Ronald Reagan Presidential Library||Ronald Reagan Expressway (IN)||
USS Ronald Reagan
|2 Ronald Reagan Federal Courthouses (CA) (PA)||Ronald Reagan Turnpike (FL)||Planet Ronald Reagan|
|4 Ronald Reagan High Schools (FL) (NC) (TX) (WI)||8 Ronald Reagan Highways/Freeways||Ronald Reagan Memorial Governorship of California|
|Ronald Reagan Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Man Emporium||2 Ronald Reagan Avenues (FL) (TX)||Ronald Reagan Island|
|Ronald Reagan Adult Outlet||Ronald Reagan Road (AZ) (TX)||Ronald Reagan Cola|
|Washington National Airport (often mislabelled Ronald Reagan International Drug Importation Hub)||Ronald Reagan Bridge (IN)||The Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan|
|Ronald Reagan Memorial House of Representatives||5 Ronald Reagan Parkways||Ronald Reagan Harbour and Ronald Reagan Shipyard, Pago Pago (or just "Pago"), American Samoa|
Since Reagan's death his most devoted groupie, Rover Nerdquest, has lobbied to name the universe after Reagan. In 2010, Alabama and Delaware are scheduled to be the first of the 50 states to be renamed "Ronald Reagan". If it was built after 1994, it's probably named after him. The only person who has more things named after him is Robert Byrd
The Fight of His Life
President Raygun's first fight was between him and his archenemy, President Gorbachev. One sunny day, Raegan was tearing down a wall when he was approached by Gorbachev, who realized that the wall was none but the wall of his house!!!! Angry was Gorbachev, he called his cousin, Joseph Stalin, who was chillin' in the back pool with Mao Ze Ray Ray Dong and Osama R Laden. Now, the fight was a spectacle; Gorbachev and Stalin jumped Reagan, but a nearby FOX News reporter threw his microphone at Stalin, knocking him down, while Reagan drew out his Raygun and shot Gorbachev in the forehead. That is how he got his 4-inch long and 5-inch wide battle scar, on his forehead, by the way. All thanks to Reagan and the heroic FOX News channel, the evil empire of Soviet Union lost its leadership, and the Russian, who fell into despair, started making out with polar bears. Sarah Palin, who, from her house, could see the party going on, hoped to get invited, but polar bears thought she was uncool. Boy, was she disheartened. From then on, her campaign goal became to hunt down polar bears.
In the early 1990s, Reagan fought a battle with Pope John Paul 2.0 over who had really defeated Communism and whose assassination attempt had been scarier. Although this match was televised on VH1's Behind the Assholes, the similar match being fought between Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald McDonald only made the local news (such as the BBC). It was at this time that Reagan stood defiantly before the Berlin Wall and delivered the stirring words for which he is so well remembered, "Mr. Gorbachev... kiss... my... ass".
As agreed, the duel took place at sunrise. The weapon selected was incurable degenerative illness. Both Reagan and the Pope were stricken with one of the most horrific degenerative illnesses in the known multiverse: chronic oxidation. No amount of WD-40 could stop the tragedy which would soon come to pass.
Little did Pope John Paul 2.0 know that God and Reagan were like this. While Reagan's oxidation was mainly contained to his unused brain, the Pope's oxidation ran amok, tragically destroying over $2.3 million worth of papal head gear and 5 fully loaded Pope-Mobiles. Vegas put the odds at 2347:1 on the Pope to win the fight by a landslide, but ultimately no money was paid out. This was because while Reagan's camp ultimately claimed victory due to his quicker death, JP2's camp also claimed victory, because their man suffered longer.
Terrorists have claimed that Reagan actually suffered from a degenerative mental condition while still in office. Unfortunately, however, these bouts of forgetful sleepiness became more pronounced due to chronic iron oxide build-up within Reagan's neurons.
Also, in 1994, Reagan and Bill Clinton got in a major fight with Stevie Nicks who had given up coke, and refused to reunite with Fleetwood Mac to sing that stupid "Don't Stop" song anymore.
Some have said: "Reagan never died; he will live in our hearts for years to come." But face it, he died. At least until a priest using forbidden necromantic arts resurrected him and fitted him with cyborg parts, after which the US and A seized control of him and sent him to assassinate Fidel Castro. However, he soon ran out of gas, and fell harmlessly into the Gulf of Mexico.
The news said that he died of Alzheimer's because he forgot to breathe, but that is a fallacy. After all, you cannot really die of Alzheimer's. He did, in fact, die after crapping a live, twitching ferret. He forgot to digest it.
In April 2009, Representative Michele Bachmann introduced a bill that would give Roman Catholic priests the ability to turn bread and wine into the body and blood of Reagan.
If not for Ronald Reagan, Americans would all be speaking Nicaraguan today. Or maybe it was Cuban. Russian? Grenadian? Oh who cares!
The effects of his works in civil rights are still being felt today. Reagan introduced programs like "Leave No Crack Dealer Behind," and giving over 500 million dollars of federal money to Arab and Korean immigrants to build liquor stores in hundreds of American inner city neighborhoods. Reagan also made Republicans happy by inventing AIDS in 1981. Reagan's AIDS program has successfully killed millions or homosexual men and poor foreigners, becoming an even bigger success than Reagan could have ever dreamed. Reagan was the first President to start giving federal funds to pharmaceutical companies to invent a pill to cure erectile dysfunction. Reagan wanted to find a cure after not being able to get an erection after seeing Jamie Farr in a dress on an episode of M*A*S*H in 1982. Reagan was upset he couldn't get hard and masterbate to Farr in drag and ordered Howard Baker to figure out a way to fix this problem. By the time Viagra was invented in 1998, Reagan didn't even remember he had a penis. Much to the relief of both Nancy Reagan and Newt Gingrich's asshole and mouth (respectively).
Ronald Reagan's corpse was brought back as Zombie-Reagan in the early days of December, 2009 in order to reinvigorate the GOP masses. Zombie-Reagan is expected to be the early GOP frontrunner for the nomination for President in 2012. On the 5th of July 2010, Zombie-Reagan was found drunk in a parkingg lott at 3:00am in the morning. At a recent press-conference, Zombie-Reagan claimed that Senator Palin spiked his drink in an attempt to ruin him once and for-all. Palin pleaded innocent on the count that she was indeed giving birth. AGAIN!
- Nancy Reagan
- Angus Ronald MacReagan
- Cabinet minions
- Supply-side Jesus
- Franco-American War
- Spongebob Squarepants
- Ronald McDonald
- Jello Biafra
- Zombie Reagan
- Rush Limbaugh - President of the "Red States"
- Glenn Beck - Vice President
- Newt Gingrich
|President of the United States
George H.W. Bush
|Candidates in the 2008 U. S. Presidential Election|