Ronnie James Dio
“Didn't this guy do Black Sabbath covers?”
“Wait a minute...this man is loved by everyone, yet no one suspects him of being the anti-christ. Ah, the bloody Apocalypse is just getting to my head again”
Ronald James Padavona (July 10, 1942 – May 16, 2010), better known as Ronnie James Dio, aside from being a real Viking-Paladin-Sorcerer level 106, the slayer of Dragons, Demons, lesser musicians, and Necromancers, was a siren given human form. Nobody was more Metal than Ronnie James Dio, and hence he earned the title of Heavymetal Alchemist. He was known to go out on long walks wearing no pants. If Ozzy Osbourne is Iron Man, then certainly Ronnie James Dio was Titanium (that's what his girlfriends and wenches used to call him [not to be confused with Magic Rings, which is how the Planeteers used to call him]).
Several men have attempted to be more metal than Dio, but they all have failed and have been cast into the pit of the unworthy, forced to haul pails of tears away from Emo concerts. If you've ever experienced or participated in Metal, chances are you've bowed down to Dio at one point or another. Possibly even a few times while reading this article. In fact, if he had been more Metal, he'd probably have died of lead poisoning; he actually died of stomach cancer, a common euphemism for slaying a dragon to a draw. Such draws are often fatal on both sides. Dio created the legendary devil horns that are seen at almost every "rock" concert today. If you did not know that, or if you have ever done the devil horns at a Fall Out Boy concert, hell, if you've even BEEN to a Fall Out Boy concert, go pull a Kurt Cobain and make a sacrifice to the shotgun gods.
Judas Priest once tried to out-metal Dio in 1985 after releasing Screaming for Vengeance and Defenders of the Faith. Dio got pissed off and banned the Priest from making real metal for a few years (Yeah, he can do that). The result was 'Turbo.' Later, in 1990 Judas Priest again tried to out-metal Dio with Painkiller. Dio responded with a direct attack on Judas Priest. The attack had such ferocity that Rob Halford left Judas Priest to sulk. It is also rumored that Bruce Dickinson had been known to match Dio, however he was too passive to give a shit about anything not about Iron Maiden or eliminating Sharon Osbourne or World War II. Dickinson's bandmate, Iron Maiden bassist Steve Harris, was extremely close to out-metalling Dio in 1983 (after having written 'The Trooper'), but Dio's release of 1984's Holy Diver increased his metal power by 27%, and thus defeating Harris in an alchemy duel. Harris attempted to avenge his dishonoring with the massive 1984-'85 World Slavery Tour, but was again defeated by Dio. This left horrible marks on Harris, causing Iron Maiden to alchemise with synthesizers, but giving Dio the highly honourable title of Heavymetal Alchemist. With this new title, Dio was given the privilege of spelling his honour with a 'u', despite not being British. This extra 'u' allows Dio to see rainbows in the dark, a disability that had long plagued him.
The origins of Dio were a mystery even to Satan, but some suspect anal fisting and alien abductions were involved. What was known is that he was officially the tallest midget in the world, ever, at 4' 3", however he didn't seem to grow anymore at the time of his death. He could have also been the first person created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Either way, Dio was found at the age of one by a traveling pimp from Spain simply known as Captain Falcon in a gutter somewhere within the Kingdom of Wales (modern day Republic of Bestial Pleasures). Dio was brought back with the captain to his home in Pamplona, Spain, where he was subsequently forgotten and left to be raised by the bulls which plagued the city with random uprisings every 7th of July. Before he left however, he made sure the child would not forget his given name of Dio, a name he bore with great pride until his death.
From the bulls Dio learned many great things about eye laser beams (though not an official user, it is rumored he was an unregistered eye-laser practitioner), bestiality (though some attribute that to his Welsh ancestry) and how to effectively slaughter his enemies with high pitched screams and shredding guitar solos. He was also known to radiate manliness. He excelled in the annual festival of breast running and was even described as a "little tit" by Ernest Hemingway.
Whatever it is, Dio was the timeless man who never got older, much like Alice Cooper and David coverdale (who it is rumored ingested Dio's enchanted dew) .
At age 15 in a tearful goodbye he left his bull family to join a group of explorers headed to Lithuania to follow where he suspected his adopted father might have gone to gather more answers. Before he organized his trip however, he entered what many consider his "wild" period, in which rampant Singing practices and satanistic rituals resulted in the accidental conception of ET the extraterrestrial, as well as other more well known people such as future president of UGoGirl Oprah Winfrey.
It was during this period that the Kingdom of Wales was thrown into a state of disorder, seeking a successor. Dio seized the opportunity and found himself Duke of the entire empire of Flanders, having landed 350 miles off course. Dio remained unsatisfied, and in his efforts later known as the Third War of the Hair united Flanders, Wales, and the Duchy of New Austin (back then called "Paris") under the great Welsh Flag, making him the first Grandmaster of the Golden Fleece.
Ronnie James Dio's birthdate was unknown until confirmed after his death to be July 10, 1942. Others claim it was the fourth of September. However, his birth year was anywhere between 1700 and 1750. His parents were unknown, however, it is known that he was born into slavery. He was forced to work in corn fields for Jesus Christ. At twelve years of age, while herding his master's sheep for a drink, he found a cross which was dropped by Jesus himself in a freezing river which granted him immortality forever. Dio claims that he despised his early moments of his life, and that his master, Jesus, was the person he hated the most. At over eighty years, Dio was very tired of slavery, which caused him to attack Jesus. Jesus punished him, and whipped him five-hundred times. Dio never felt anger for someone as much as that time. After that incident, Dio then nicknamed himself eternal enemy of Jesus, or Satan.
War with Jesus
At age of 130, tensions were rising between Dio and Jesus. While mending Jesus's toga, Dio got a knife, and stabbed Jesus from behind. Dio then ran away, with fellow slaves Frederick Douglass Arthur, John Lennon and a few other slaves. Jesus survived from the stab, however, he went to gain revenge on Dio. Jesus got his army, and marched on to find Dio. Dio and his fellow slaves sailed all the way to the island of Sicily. The Vatican, once hearing about this, informed Jesus. Jesus's army landlocked Dio and his slaves from all sides. There was no choice but to fight for Dio and his army. And so they fought, in the battle of Burning Sun. Jesus defeated Dio, however, he managed to escape before he got caught. Dio was still landlocked with nowhere to go. So, he fought again in the battle of Heaven and Hell. This time, he defeated Jesus's army, and caused many casualties. Dio with his army, sailed to North America. However, Jesus intercepeted them halfway through the atlantic and started the sea war of Carolina. Dio defeated Jesus again, thus ending the war. They made peace and this granted Dio's freedom.
Dio then settled at North America and started learning the banjo. This got him interested in music, and he soon started liking jazz and blues. Dio then got interested with trumpet and percussion. He started a band, however, its name is unknown due to the lack of existing records. This band did release an album, however, its name is also unknown.
Ronnie then went in a space rock band known as Elf, but he left after he decided they 'sounded too much like Pink Floyd'. Then he moved on to collaborate with renowned Ritchie Blackmore in a project known as Rainbow, which he again left because he thought the name 'sounded too gay'. Finally, he joined Black Sabbath, a popular Christian Rock band, which he thought 'sounded just right', but he was kicked out after only two albums for his hate of Jesus. Resigned to the fact he would never be hired by another band due to the fact he was already over 260 years old at that point, he started a solo project.
Initially, his solo band was wildy successful, spawning such varied hits as 'Rainbow in the Dark', 'Dark and Light', 'Starlight Rainbow', 'Rainbow Starlight', 'Killing the Dragon', 'Resurrecting the Dragon', 'Dragon Omlette', 'Somehow Disrupting the Ordinary Life Cycle of the Dragon', and 'Holy Guyver' (originally planned to be a song called "Oh MacGyver"). But his band soon ran into various personnel problems. Guitarists in Dio's band were notoriously short-lived, often due to the difficulty of playing complex solos while dancing in concentric circles on the top of an animatronic dragon statue. Also, Dio's later albums were criticized as being too experimental, often featuring oddities such as a 15-banjo accompaniment. Dio made several returns to his classic formula, but never quite regained the status he once had.
However in his final years, Black Sabbath hired him again after he defeated the evil Ozzy Osbourne, forming the band Heaven and Hell in the process. At the time of his death, he resided in their secret underground Canadian lair.
As a superhero, Dio had powers of super strength, flight, sonic blasts, and (supposedly, though he had never unveiled it) demonic summoning. He was also said to be able to control machines, but one day most of them got angry at him and left to go get rich in Vegas. He was only vulnerable to flowers, which he believed were an intoxicating substance that would deprive him of his sanity, and scissors, because like Samson, his strength came from his hair being as long, tangled, and mangy as possible. He may or may not have had an invisible spider monkey sidekick named Vivian. He was also said to be vulnerable to Lightning, however this was because he was struck by lighting and it shrunk him small and made his hair so grungy, that he never got the usual 10,000,000 women every week, it was now reduced to 10 women a week.
Dio's most noted skill, however, was the ability to Kick Major Mythical Ass. As a consequence of this power, anything involved with Dio, anything he touched and anything that interested him was immediately credited with being awesomely mythical, and could not be destroyed by anything. Except by Elton John's ability to Swallow Major Phallus. To begin to understand Dio's humongous mystical powers, it was imperative to observe the fact that J.R.R Tolkien actually spawned from one of Dio's turds, due to the immense amounts of magic energy present in the fecal matter. It is also rumoured , (though not confirmed), that Dio was the inspiration for Tolkien's 'Gollum' character in his best selling book 'Wankers Cramp: The Causes, Symptoms & Cures'
On April 20, 1997 Dio Destoyed the city of Detroit Mi while on the Angry Machines tour with a sneeze.
Few people know but Dio's magical voice could not only tame dragons, but it could cause entire crowds of people to sing in unison. Not only that, but he possessed the uncanny ability to use a mic stand as a reach weapon (this is because he was also a ninja). He gave it a twirl, and then a spin. Combined with his potent vocal attack... Yeah, you were pretty much fucked. It has also been suggested that, like Kerry King, Dio had the ability to rip a hole in the fabric of reality and cast his enemies into the abyss. This, however, was one of his most basic attacks and he only really used it to solve day-to-day problems.
It had also been proven that if Dio pointed his famous devil horns at you, your urine would consist of a mixture of lamb's blood and concentrated evil. Your urine spray pattern would also be in the shape of an upside down pentagram.
Dio also had a strong psychic link with mythical beasts and had been known to use tigers to do his bidding. When riding into battle Dio mounted his legendary steed, a mighty steel tiger which could leap between dimensions. His name is Julian.
A very few people know this but infact DIO was a jedi (as seen in his Last In Line video), apperently the last one too.Sometime between 1983 and 1984 he became a part of a secret society that bent on torturing random people by making them: Play shitty games that hurt the player if he failz. Listen to loud guitar solos Watching a movies without blinking once. And finaly make them walk around aimlessly in wierd coridors. DIO's part in this whole progect is that he constantly hangs around and sings,hypnotising the poor people (well they're pritty ugly so their life is shit already). Untill one day some random kid discovers the secret society and gets into trouble.A pedocyborg is about to kiss and then rape him but then DIO's jedi skills move in, dio uses the force to randomly spawn a lightsaber and thrusts it into the cyborg's balls (a very cheap move) then the kid escapes and dio gets back to his regular job at singing to nutjobs.
His Musical Inspiration
Dio's musical inspirations come solely from his diet. He drank nothing but robot piss which he claimed 'greases his internal creative wheels' and he ate nothing but pizza. He refused to eat pizza with a fork as it was deemed unmanly and girly and did not befit his 'Godlike' image. However, when writing and recording his albums, the pizza binges ceased and he turned to the curry. Dio had his curry's imported especially from the imaginative country of Ringofstingostan. Over the years Dio's critic's had deduced that the hotter the curry in this creative process, the better the eventual album (and subsequent shit). In 1994, This nearly led to Dio's timely death as after a particularly bad arse burner, Dio's entire intestinal tract fell out of his own balloon knot. Fortunately he survived, but the album 'There's Blood In My Arse Water' was eventually abandoned. However, one single regarding this incident survives called 'My Porcelain Shambles' This was released in Dio's head in late summer 1997 to great acclaim from all who never heard it.
Dungeons & Dragons
Not very many people know that Dio did in fact create Dungeons & Dragons in 1292, with fellow co-Dragon slayer/Knight (turned Dark Knight) King Diamond. King Diamond and Dio quite often sat together and played, Dio being the highest Magician ever. Dio was a level 10,000 Magical Dragontamer, while King Diamond is only a level 7,666 Hellspawn Warrior.
It should be noted that Dio always rolled natural 20s. Always.
Dio stated that as a young child, he went through a wormhole of time and witnessed himself performing with Black Sabbath. He inspired himself.
Dio died while Killing The Dragon named Lady Evil. He was on a quest with his legion of Neon Knights. They were known as the Children Of The Sea. But when he arrived, the dragon looked at him with her Evil Eyes. They lined up to fight the dragon; he was The Last In Line. The sight of the evil beast left him completely Breathless. He instantly fired a Rainbow In The Dark. It struck the dragon Straight Through The Heart, but by some Mystery, the dragon lived. Then, the dragon attacked, and brave Dio was Caught In the Middle. He wanted to Walk Away or turn Invisible, but all he could do was Stand Up And Shout. The dragon smote down our hero, but The Man On The Silver mountain could not be defeated, for the Wild One was Born On The Sun, and he would not let the dragon triumph. And in his dying breath, Dio screamed, "Shame On The Night!" as he sunk his mighty blade into the cold dragon's scales. He rid the world of a terrible beast, but the cost was his mortal form. He died that night, and then God had to decide between Heaven And Hell. "Both!” he decreed, “Because I Could Have Been a Dreamer, but you seriously killed that dragon, Ronnie.” And so Dio ascended, and declared, "Long live Rock And Roll!" But Dio did not Die Young. Some even say if you look in the right places, you can still see him Speeding At Night. And although he can’t Walk On Water, he’s still Dio, and his legacy will last an eternity.
God of Metal
Dio was the actual God of Metal. This he had always been, since the beginning of time (except for a short period when time stood still at the Iron Hill). He was somehow dethroned after his death on May 16, 2010. An alternative list of Gods of Metal exists, which contains the following succession:
- Autumn (?? - 200 AC/DC)
- Stalin (200 AC/DC - 1953)
- Lo Pan (1953 – 1975)
- Lemmy Kilmister (1975 – 1985)
This list may be considered truthful; however, one must always keep in mind that the actual God of Metal was Dio, and that He would always stand above the Gods of Metal from this list.
Long ago, Satan and Rob Halford decided that Halford had to start a band called Judas Priest, and release a song entitled "Metal Gods". Halford did this and soon received the nickname of Metal God among society. Dio then confronted Halford and arranged for this to proceed into a reality after he died. When Dio did die, Halford took the throne. It is guessed that after Halford, Tony Iommi will take the place of Metal God. Also, every song ever written by the band Mastodon was inspired by Dio's hair.
Ronnie James Dio
|Rob Halford, God of Heavy Metal
The beginning of time - May 16, 2010 (his death)