Rosalinaism

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Official logo of Rosalinaism. Rosalina likes to stare at you.

Rosalinaism, also known as the Church of Rosalina, is a Nintendoic monotheistic religion in much of the industrialized world. The religion is centered around the goddess Rosalina, an enigmatic and seemingly immortal woman who lives in a place called "the comet observatory", which is said to travel in a fixed course across the universe. The origin of the religion is explained in the religion's Holy Story as told in the game Super Mario Galaxy, released in 2007 for the Nintendo Wii. It's often referred to as Rosalinaism's equivalent to the Christian Holy Bible. Its adherents are called Rosalinaists.

As of March 2009, it is estimated that Rosalinaism has 8.02 million adherents worldwide, not to be confused with the sales figures of Super Mario Galaxy that coincidentally happens to have the exact same numbers. This makes Rosalinaism a rather small and obscure religion, however, seeing as the religion emerged around the 2007s, it has the potential to outgrow other obscure religions such as Scientology, Atheism and Wormism as early as December 2012. Some Rosalinaists believe this is when Rosalina will reveal herself to the general public by fixing the Mayan calendar before it resets.

History[edit]

Rosalinaism is a very young religion, with less than five years under its belt there hasn't been much academic study around the subject matter. However, since so little time has passed since its inception, Rosalinaists are able to show a very accurate track record, something most other religions can't accomplish. It's arguably the first religion to emerge in a time when the Internet is readily available.

The religion didn't exist prior to 2007, since its deity, Rosalina, was nonexistent to humanity. It's commonly accepted that Rosalina decided that her existence needed to be announced to the inhabitants of planet earth and decided to do this by starring in a Super Mario game. How she achieved this a heated debate among Rosalinaists. The most popular theory is that Rosalina appeared in Shigeru Miyamoto's kitchen when he was getting some water for his secret mushroom farm. However, Shigeru never admitted this happened, and for this another theory was devised. According to proponents of this theory, Rosalina commissioned an unspecified number of lumas to implant the idea for Super Mario Galaxy in Shigeru's brain, making it similar to Jedism. Regardless to which of these theories are true, Shigeru Miyamoto is regarded as Rosalinaism's prophet, although he does not exercise this perceived status.

Since various sources indicate that Miyamoto had plans for Super Mario Galaxy as early as in the year 2000, it's fair to postulate that Rosalina may had introduced herself between 1999 and 2004, when development for the game began. A significant minority in the Rosalinaist community speculates that Rosalina may had revealed herself to other people much earlier, but there is no evidence to support this.

Mythology[edit]

Rosalinaism is centered around the goddess Rosalina, an enigmatic and seemingly immortal woman permanently stuck in her late 20s, which arguably makes her to be one of the most visually and conceptually appealing deities in modern religions. However, in Super Mario Galaxy, it is explained that she was a child once, and did have parents, which suggests that there may be more deities. Her mother is confirmed to be dead, but her father, while he is in the Holy Story, is never mentioned in the latter parts.

Unlike most other religions, Rosalina actually isn't the creator of the universe, but controls its mechanisms by raising the lumas, a race of alarmingly adorable baby stars. When the lumas reach sufficient mass, they transform into celestial bodies such as stars, planets and black holes. This renders her the mother of the whole universe. It is never explained where Rosalina's parents or the lumas come from, which makes the religion compatible with the tradition of the typical unknown origin of deities. Rosalina's role as deity began when she found a stranded luma in her back yard. The luma explained that it was looking for its "Mama", which is arguably another way of saying "mother" or "mommy". Rosalina felt obliged to find the luma's mother and the two embark on a long journey through outer space. However, the endeavor turns out to be futile as they are unable to locate the luma's mother, leaving the question about their origin unanswered. Since a great amount of time was already spent on the operation, they decided to build an elaborate space station, which attracted more Lumas. Shortly after, those Lumas decided to call Rosalina their "Mama", and thus, Rosalina's career as supreme being began.

The space station is officially named the "comet obserbatory", probably an allusion to her initial plan of observing comets with her father's telescope when she was helping the initial luma to find its mother. Outside Super Mario Galaxy, the space station was never observed by modern telescopes and none of its radio signals have been detected by today's scanners. The game mentions that the space station passes the Mushroom Kingdom on an unspecified planet, but nothing indicates that she intends to pass planet Earth. Some Rosalinaists have made it their favorite past time to observe the night sky with the intention of discovering the space station.

Rosalina[edit]

Artist interpretation of Rosalina (left) negotiating foreign policy with Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom (center) and Princess Daisy of Sarasaland (right) at a beach resort near Antwerp, Sarasaland

For a deity introduced this recently, not much is known about Rosalina. Super Mario Galaxy's accuracy is debated, since it was created by human beings rather than herself. For instance, before her initial appearance in the game there was concept art that depicted her considerably differently, leaving Rosalinaists confused whether the concept art depicts her true image, or that it was just a ploy to make it seem like that were the case. Rosalina likes to float around and act in a manner associated with the magical princess archetype. Unlike many deities, Rosalina is quite humble and is physically incapable of being angry, or jealous, or enraged, or pretty much any emotion other than those described as calm, content and friendly. According to her appearance in the game, she has a big bang of hair covering her right eye, which often grants her the title of "Emo princess". However, there may be other reasons for this hair style, such as a dysfunctional eye or a a big scar that she rather does not want to show to the Lumas. Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, both confirmed closet Rosalinaists, have run several experiments on their show Mythbusters to prove their hypothesis that she intentionally covers her eye in order to see better when it's dark, a situation that may occur in deep space.

It is unknown whether Rosalina is romantically involved with either one of the Lumas, another deity or something else. This is a much debated issue among Rosalinaists because she did have parents, suggesting that much like human beings, there's a need to procreate. Some argue that the act of raising the Lumas should suffice, since she is seemingly immortal and therefore in no need to create any offspring for herself. Others suggest that her life is finite and that she needs to either find a suited successor or procreate before she's unable to.

Rosalinaists[edit]

A Rosalinaist is someone who is an adherent of Rosalinaism. Rosalinaists are characterized by that they play Super Mario Galaxy and are generally speaking fans of the Mario franchise. Rosalinaists are characterized by that they exert absolutely no effort in their religion, and will do absolutely nothing to spread the word. This can be alluded by the fact that the game never explicitly instructs its adherents to go out and hand out folders, go door to door or try to convert people on the Internet. Rosalinaism has no lifestyle rules, which makes it unique among other religions.

However, much like any other religion, there are trolls who just want to ruin the good intentions for anyone. Some people have taken it to themselves to "interpret" the "teachings" of Rosalina and spam the Internet with lifestyle guidelines such as "if U masturbate, Rosalina smites a kitten", or "UR not real Rosalinaist if U didn't get all strs in SMG". Luckily, if Rosalinaists are good at one thing, it's getting these messages off the Internet at such a fast rate that no one can see them, including Rosalina herself.

Rosalinaists may greet each other by saying "May the stars shine down on you". In instant messaging it's often shortened to MTSSDOY.

Criticisms of Rosalinaism[edit]

Since its inception, Rosalinaism had to endure a lot of criticism, particularly from Scientologists. A common argument against Rosalinaism is that it was just something that was "invented" some years ago and that it's likely to be nothing more than a silly idea by someone who wanted to troll "real" religions with Nintendo characters. Some Scientologists even go as far as to suggest that the idea was conceived by the thetans of Carl Sagan, a person they perceive the only formally living being capable of thinking of such an outrageous story. Atheists criticize the religion for its lack of evidence, as they usually do. They argue that her appearance in Super Mario Galaxy is no evidence for the existence of Rosalina, the lumas or her space station, comparing it to the Christian Holy Bible which is Christianity's primary evidence for its claims.

As a rebuttal, Rosalinaists do nothing. They typically just pick up their Wiimotes to play as Rosalina in Mario Kart Wii, because they consider participating in a highly chaotic racer as the mother of the whole universe to be more amusing than debating the validity of their religion.

See also[edit]


SUPER MARIO TEMPLATE
Protagonists MarioPrincess PeachToad
Russia mario.jpg
Antagonists Donkey KongGoombaWario
Luigis Gay LuigiMama Luigi (Luigi's sojournMagic balloon)Weegee
Locations Mushroom KingdomAnother CastleĀ®Yoshi's Park
Games Mario PartySuper Mario BrothersSuper Mario World
Whatnot Getting pushed into bananas (Mario Kart)Magic mushroomMariologyRaccoon Tail v. Super Mario CapeThe Mushroom Kingdom (band)