- For other uses, please see Rubik's Cube.
“In Soviet Russia, Rubik cubes YOU!!!!!”
“You would be surprised what comes to mind with a cube in one hand and a gallon of tequila in the other”
“You a joke, Rubik. I will beat you!”
The Rubik's Cube is the Dark Lord/King of Liechtenstein (pop: approx 5 ppl. size: same as my bathtub). His Lordship Rubik's is in fact behind many of the world wars, though, being a master of disguise, nobody has ever noticed. After all, who would ever suspect a cube that appears to be irreparably jumbled.
Disastrous Political Events His Lordship Rubik has Caused
- Macintosh Computers
- World Poverty
- Oprah Winfrey
- George W. Bush
- The French Language
- The Canadian Military
- The colour pink
- The wrongful belief that 16 comes between 15 and 17
- The National Mathematics Summer School
- Kevin and Jenny
- Konrad and Emma
- The destruction of the Lost Fried Chicken of KFC
Everything else that is also evil. Including Netball.
History of His Lordship Rubiks' Evil Actions
In 1980, His Lordship Rubiks assumed the throne after consuming the entire previous royal family (the Spork). Worried that his rule may be taken from him by some larger country that needs room for one more bathtub, Rubiks cloned himself many times over and sent these clones out into the world, where there was soon seldom a house to be found in which one of these clones had not infiltrated. Using subliminal messaging and the Force, these clones soon took control of every great mind (as well as the minds of politicians), and within the next decade His Lordship Rubiks was able to control every great world power. Hence, due to this, Liechtenstein is the only country not to have its own military, on account of its controlling every other military power in the universe.
The main reason why nobody has realized the awful influence that the Rubik's Cube clones have had upon them is that they are too busy trying to solve the cube that they do not realize that it is in actual fact unsolvable, and designed in such a way as to distract people from the evil intentions of these Rubik's Cube clones. We shall, however, for the sake of an article and for some shits and giggles, assume that it can be solved. Technically, a cube is solvable if it looks like a miniature hippy on crack.
The Thought Process Behind the Cube
As you already know, the Rubik's cube was invented by His Lordship Rubiks. But the Rubik's Cube (a.k.a. "Insanity in a box form") had a long and elaborate thought process. Rubiks came up with the secret to insanity-causing puzzles. It has to seem impossible at first, but, after hours of studying, you think you figured it out, only to find that is is indeed unsolvable. Originally, the Rubik's Cube was a 1x1x1 cube, since no one had a long enough attention span to make a bigger. They then advanced it to 3x3x3. The product was mass-produced by China (duh) and distributed to the world by elves that were abducted from Santa and forced to work for Lord Rubiks. Supposedly someone managed to solve the thing, which is absurd, since they are impossible. Nonetheless, Lord Rubiks made a 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube and sent it to the guy who claimed to solve it. The man began fiddling and was cursed to fiddle with it until the end of time. It was dubbed "Rubik's Revenge"
The Secret to Solving a Rubik's Cube
There are many frauds out there that claim to know how to solve a Rubik's cude, and have done so. They are Liars The only person who has solved the Rubik's Cube is Chuck Norris (see below). All others are lying, and
probably just want to take your money. Actually, this is not true. There are a few methods for solving a Rubik's Cube.
- The Sticker-Rearranging Method
- Peel off stickers
- Rearrange as desired
- The Chuck Norris Method (note: only works if preformed by Chuck Norris)
- Stare at the Rubik's Cube
- The Rubik's Cube will now proceed to solve itself
- The Llama Method
- Call Upon the power of the Great Llama in the sky
- Grant him a live sacrifice (preferably a politician)
- Sing the ancient song of the llamas
- Ask the Great Llama in the sky to solve it
These methods are fool-proof. However, they have a strange side effect. The pure insanity juice that the Rubik's cube is coated in will explode, causing
- Internal bleeding of the spleen
- Blue hair
- An irresistible urge to slam your head against the wall
And more. Unless you are Chuck Norris. He just round-house kicks the side-effects and they go away.
Recently there was a man in South Korea that could eat the rubiks cube in 5 hours and 52 minutes. He says that he is very proud of himself and will try to do it in less than 5 hours - adding, however, that such rapid intercourse with such an awkwardly-shaped object may result in lasting pelvic injuries to both parties. But the most impressive Rubiks story involved a North Korean who claims to be able to solve a Rubiks cube before he hits 40. This is very impressive bearing in mind that North Korea only discovered the Rubiks cube some time last year and still can't afford one.
In India there have been several Rubiks competitions to determine who should be the national champion, the man who eventually won the series of competitions managed to do it all behind his back, he was however disqualified after officials found out that he was performing some kind of black magic on the cube, therefore clearly breaking the rules.
Similar instances have been recorded around the world, each more significant and suspicious than the previous. The more suspicious ones included Lindsey Lohan solving it while sobre. Scientific proof has been shown to lead to the conclusion that she has never been sobre and would attempt to smoke the cube if she ever found out what it was. Other instances included Vladimir Putin claiming to own the cube and saying it is an American bomb aimed at Moscow. Russia has since banned all Rubiks cubes claiming national security reasons. All Russians found in the 4000 km radius of a cube can and will be shot. As there is a cube in Japan, Putin can legally shoot any Russian he likes. Not that he needed the law to do it anyway. For these and similar reasons, all Rubiks competition have been labelled pornographic. There exist Rubiks competitions for minors, but the cube only has two colours.
Currently the world record for solving the cube is -200 years, 400 days, 25 hours, 3 minutes and 4 seconds from the time the cube was invented held by Chuck Norris. This occurred when Chuck Norris received a cube for Christmas roundhouse kicked it until it solved itself and permeated through space-time and found itself in an Amish village somewhere in North Virginia. The threat of Chuck Norris is so great that no one has dared to challenge him, not even Mr T or Spider Man.
Very little is known about Lord Rubik himself and much less is known about Liechtenstein. Many argue that his existence is a conspiracy theory propagated by the CIA to cover up their experimental work on improving Americans' mental abilities code named "Harrison Ford is your Daddy". However, historians argue that it can be proven quite comprehensibly that Harrison Ford is in fact your daddy and so its not really a theory but fact. Both sides don't quite realize that they are agreeing and continue arguing with increasing amounts of confusion, dissatisfaction and constipation. Upon hearing this Chuck Norris took a side, his own, and roundhouse kicked the conspirators and the historians into 2034, where it is assumed they are working as laboratory rats for the giant whale cyborgs inhabiting the Earth after global warming reduces the planet to just one ocean and a lot of useless shit, like pianos and walruses.
However, significantly more is known about the unknowing pawns of Lord Rubik's influence currently deeply rooted in the frame of mind of all humans, a few dogs, three cats and one cow. Yes, we are talking about cubers. Cubers come in all shapes and sizes: from the really big dwarfs to the really small giants. Cubers can be distinguished from the majority of the population by their inane ability to
- cluster in trapezoidal arrangements
- walk in accurate straight lines
- recite pi to 500 digits
- make noises like a monkey on crack
- say penis at the absolute worst moments.
These are the five cuber features and each cuber is ranked according to how much they satisfy these requirements. Cubers who do not satisfy one or more of these requirements are called almost-cubers, not-quite-cubers, try-hard-cubers, wanna-be-cubers, female-cubers or Nerds depending on the severity of their inability to be stereotypical. So a mexican rodeo rider who walks in zig-zags, wears a sombrero, repeatedly cries "OLE", and eats tacos does not even feature in this discussion.
Scientific experiments have shown that cubers are sexy and cute in the same way that a pole is very attractive to a dog. Although it is as yet to be confirmed that cubers suffer from urinatoricisis (the condition that one suffers when urinated on), yet it has been confirmed that many cubers do suffer from urinatophobia (the phobia of being peed on). Curious tendencies have been observed among cubers. Most importantly female cubers have been seen to demonstrate animalistic desires towards male cubers. A typical such act involves the female cuber (for technical reasons, she shall be called Minnie) expressing a strong, yet faked, interest in the act of cubing. The male cuber (technically referred to as Mickey) takes the hint and proceeds to literally screw the living daylights out of her. Upon acquiring the information she desired (clues at how to solve the cube), she leaves Mickey and moves onto the next cuber, Goofy. This leaves Mickey nothing else to do but to masterbate (the technical term for solving the cube alone).
Cubers also show the tendency to live in hive formations with constitutional laws defined according to the turnability of the cube being reckoned with. If the cube can no longer be turned, the cuber is thrown out to fend for himself. Such instances are rare as most cubers carry around a spare tube of lubricant and some tissues. The central feature of the hives is the sectarian ideology of the faith in the cube. Rites of this faith include doing with a cube what none have done before. A bit like a dog watching Love Actually and laughing at the crazy bitch who tries to sleep with her boss, whose wife is the sister of the prime minister, who is in love with this hot chick who lives next door to the crazy chick and has no relation whatsoever to the guy who hired a maid who he can't communicate with. Typical rites include solving the cube as slowly as possible, while submerged, while doing your mom, while she slaps you on the face, when the cops arrive, during a job interview, while reciting the multiplication table, while on reality tv, all of the above, while wasted, while editing Wikipedia, when constipated, when that dumb news reporter chick with the large breasts mispronounces another word and proceeds to lean over to make up for it and in many other situations.
Many theorise that the cube is responsible for many of the world's greatest achievements. The following events have had a significant impact on how we think today:
- Lance Armstrong crosses the line with a solved cube and one testicle for the seventh time.
- Neil Armstrong declares "One small finger displacement, one giant leap for my cat"
- Louis Armstrong fathered Lord Rubik.
- Bob Armstrong moved to Australia
- Fred Strongarm became the first man to solve the cube by intimidating it with his muscles.
- Margaret Thatcher became the fourth male to solve the cube.
- Richard Nixon become the first female to share that honour.
- Paris Hilton declared she will never attempt to solve the cube as it would only prove her critics right.
- She then proceeded to eat Jessica Simpson's Tuna chicken.
- George W Bush pronounces the Cube a weapon of mass destruction after 40 years of futile attempts to solve it.
- Prince Charles picked up a turd from the sidewalk: Camilla Parker Bowles.