Rubix Revenge: The 4X4X4

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“It got pretty colors”

~ George Bush on Rubik's Revenge

“Dumb bitch”

~ Steven Hawking on Jessica Simpson trying to figure out what shape it is

“The Cube must be destroyed!!”

~ Optimus Prime on Rubik's Revenge

“I thought I solved it once, turns out I was playing Monopoly”

~ Jessica Simpson on Rubiks Revenge


~ Steven Hawking on Jessica Simpson knowing what Monopoly is

“Who the fuck do you think you are?”

~ Six year old kid on parents buying Rubik's Revenge as Christmas present

“You titled it Rubix, but all of the text says Rubik's, who are you? Jessica Simpson? You better not spell my name with a pussy "ph" instead of "v"”

~ Stephen Hawking on the writer of the article
Clearly right out of the packaging.

The Rubik's 4x4x4 cube, Rubix Revenge: The 4X4X4, was the Rubik's company plan to put every geeky little shit that could solve a 3x3x3 in their place.

The Inventor[edit]

The orgins of the 4x4x4 cube are unknown, however, research done at some Division II college in Arkansas, shows strong evidence that it was created in 1942 by a man named Hans Shitzelot. Mr. Shitzelot was one of many German scientist working for Hitler to make money worthless so the Jews would leave Europe. This plan failed horribly causing Hitler to go to plan B, the holocaust. Mr. Shitzelot is also believed to be the first person to be born of more than one father (Micheal Jackson's son was the second). It is believed that semen was taken from Forrest Gump, Carl from Slingblade, and Tom Cruise and was all mixed together. This combination of two-tailed awsomeness was put in Ann Coulter's vagina (after her sex change). Three days later, Hans was born. The next day he was found in a dumpster outside the local McDonalds with a Rubik's cube in his hand.(His umbilical cord seemed to be chewed off) This was the inspiration for the Rubik's Revenge.

The only known picture of Hans. He is known for his striking resemblance to Pootie Tang.

His Grandparents[edit]

Hans father was Tom Cruise, which makes his grandparents Justin Timberlake and Oprah Winfrey. Cruise was an only child, and he was anally conceived. Which is why most historians believe he smells like shit. Cruise was also the first and only person to ever be born of the ass. He was mistaken for a piece of shit at his birth, and years afterwards. Eventually people realized they weren't mistaken.

Losing those close to him[edit]

As time passed, Hans started losing those close to him. His father Forrest drown when he saw his reflection in the toilet, and jumped in to try and save himself. His other father Carl was killed in a tragic Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots accident. His main father Tom Cruise was burned at the stake during the Salem Witchcraft trials. A few weeks back Tommy Lee Jones threw an ostrich egg at Justin Timberlake which struck him in the eyes. The egg shell caused infection and he went blind. Not being able to see his reflection in the mirror, he decided he no longer wanted to live and attempted to shoot himself, but being blind he missed and hit Al Gore. After Al Gore's going away party, Timberlake sat down in a diner to have a meal when he was struck by a car driven by Billy Joel, who was later shot by Dick Chaney. Oprah Winfrey was bitten by a rattle snake in the summer of 2003, without the anti-venom, the snake only lasted a few minutes. Oprah was then hit by a bus. The bus needed a new radiator and three people were injured including Rosa Parks, who still refused give up her seat. In 2028 Oprah was murdered when John Conner mistook her for a robot. His mother Ann Coulter was murdered by a hobo over a sandwich, nobody seemed to mind. Hans was then later murdered by a strange African American who wore unusually small gloves despite having millions of dollars. (That's OJ Simpson for those of you that don't know.)


Most males 35 years of age or older that are not married, live in there mothers basement, masterbate frequently, speak Klingon, have never been laid, collect action figures, watch Star Wars at least 6 times per week, masterbate often, work in bookstores, enjoy middle school basketball games, and masterbate frequently, play with the 4x4x4 quite a bit.

Common Uses[edit]

  • paperweight (unless a "special" person picks it up amazed by the bright colors)
  • fix for a wobbly table
  • Micheal Bay was orginally going to use it in Transformers, however the cube was too powerful
  • it was once microwaved to see what would happen, the microwave blew up

Notable Solves[edit]

  • Chuck Norris once ate a scrambled one and shat it out solved.
  • Jack Black once thought he solved one, then he realized he was holding a basketball.
  • King Arthur came close, but then Sean Connery killed him and took his place.