Rudolf Hess

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“He stole my fucking office before i even got the fucker!”

~ Hermann Goering on Hess

“Who?”

~ Adolf Hitler on Hess after 1941

“mayn fuq dat niqqa”

~ Leon Trotsky and DRAKE

“That man there is an imposter, he is not Hess, he is a man who has voluntered to be killed or imprisoned for 50 years because a Minkey killed the real Rudolf, I rest my biscuit”

~ A hungry fat, judge at the Nuremburg trials, the one with a funny hat, who actually believes in the Double Standards theory
Hitler comparing Hess's height to his own. Hitler forgot he was standing in a car at the time.

Rudolf "Don't Mess" Hess was, many experts believe, the real driving force of Nazi Germany, secretly controlling the moves of Hitler. Time Magazine secretly named him Man of the Year in 1938. He was definitely not insane.

Hess was born in Israel in 1894 and met Adolf Hitler at a concert by heavy metal singer Richard Wagner. They discovered that they shared similar interests and in 1919, Hess joined Hitler's friendship group, the Nazi Party. In 1923, Hess was imprisoned for his involvement in the failed Beer Hall Putsch, and used his time in jail to write Mein Kampf, which he later credited to Hitler as a favour. A few months after being jailed, Hess dug a tunnel out of prison for Hitler and himself, using only a wooden spoon. Hitler was so grateful, he made Hess his deputy in the party.

Hitler became ruler of the world in 1934, with Hess as his deputy. For five years, nothing happened, but in 1939, Hitler accidentally invaded Poland after a mix-up at his travel agent and started World War II. Two years later, Hess took a holiday to Scotland where he was inexplicably arrested (it is believed that Hess was accused of having a forged passport) and imprisoned. After Hess's trip to Scotland, Nazi Germany began the invasion the former USSR, the systematic, ordely and discreet Killing of the Jews and Slavics and so gave the start of its' own ruin. Coincidence? I think not!

One other theory about his sexually driven holdiay to Scotland was that after having sexual intercourse with a badger badger badger, Hess flew to Scotland, but on the way he was replaced by a double, aka Terry Wogan, who then went to Duke Hamilton, and said "Perfect Recall, oh yes, Hitler said: Minkey, go and some bananas, we need to get Peter Sellers before Churchill gets a snake up Himmler's rectum in the shape of David Niven!", he was later placed in a metal jar until 1945, where he performed a merry jig. This story has yet to be denied, but Peter Sellers says it is true so it is.

In 1946, Hess was released from prison and put on trial, only to be put back in prison again (Hess was quoted as saying "oh, for fuck's sake" upon hearing the verdict). Hess was an inmate of the infamous Azkaban prison where he formed the band Slayer and a website called MySpace. Unfortunately, Britain had short supplies of spoons due to the war so a second escape was impossible. He was killed by the ghost of Adolf Hitler for betraying him during the war.

Today, he is regarded as a visionary democratic, musician, military leader, pilot, blog and TV chef.