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“Toupee or not toupee: That man over there is losing his hair.”

~ Oscar Wilde on toupees

Bald people wear these hats because they think they can trick everybody into thinking they're not bald, everyone knows they're bald but they still wear them. Other than that, there's not much else you can say about toupees.


First of all, it's NOT too-pee! It's pronounced like this: to pay, which is also a description of how to get one.


Toupees are commonly produced in low lying areas by bands of a rare breed of armadillo with opposable thumbs. However, these thumbs are located on the paws of the armadillos' hind legs, a condition called posterior distality. This accounts for the poor quality of most toupees and can cause a decrease in outputs due to the high occurrence of untimely soiling. This unusual orientation of mammalian anatomy is alluded to in the all too oft used quote "Looks like it was made by a posterior thumbed armadillo," coined by Dr. Harry Pitts. The armadillos adhere to a strict Fordist and Chevrolet-an assembly system, creating a very efficient output of toupees. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) most are discarded due to imperfections and the necessity to satisfy the hunger of the evil Bono of U2, who feeds on the toupees. It is suspected that the toupees are comprised of buttock hairs of former Soviet Union leaders and the beard of Walt Whitman, but the claims to the latter are widely unsubstantiated. The general public, including the wearers themselves, is vastly unaware of the origins of these repugnant hair pieces because of the rarity of armadillo-back-thumb-factories and the discrete practices of the International Department of Toupee Laundering.


People have been wearing them for years. Why they do so in place of, say, fancy wigs or hats is not known. This is still an unsolved mystery and is, besides, well beyond the scope of this article, let alone this section. At any rate, it sure doesn't enhance one's appearance and the application thereof often results in culture shock.

The toupee's position in society[edit]

Traditionally, most people tend to think of dudes who wear toupees as being weak or goofy or just downright ugly, but the truth of the matter is that even strong, hip, and handsome guys are likely to wear a toupee, that is, if they are bald/balding and don't want others to know about it. This is somewhat understandable, especially if one's self-image has always involved having a nice head of hair.
Depending on the degree of alopecia, a toupee might not be that easy to detect. Of course, one must obtain the right color, texture, etc., in order to achieve that authentic hair look. Again, if one is too bald, a toupee may be no more effective than putting a Band-Aid on a ten pound cyst, hoping nobody will notice. Furthermore, the donning of a toupee by one who is totally bald is a gaffe which few people can forgive. By now, it should be obvious that one's adoption of a prosthetic hairpiece is an enormous social risk which has, for most balding folks, met with very little success. And when all else has failed, why not become a monk?…


  • A toupee should be distinguished from a wig, they are opposite ends of the artificial hair spectrum. The spectrum, in order from least to most hideous, is as follows: wig, weave, rug, extension, system, dead raccoon, hairpiece, toupee.
  • Daddy Warbucks didn't wear a toupee because he was very very very very rich.
  • The Irish word for toupee is bréagfholt.
  • One anagram made from the word "toupee" is "pee out".
  • A good trick to play on a toupee-vendor is to look at one of his toupees, pick it up and say, "Who would dare to pay for this toupee?" And then leave abruptly. If you come back later, I'll betcha he's marked it down some.
  • Faith-Healer Rev. Ernest P. Worrell gets his powers of God from his toupee.
  • Sean Connery wore a toupee in all of his James Bond films.

A little poem about toupees[edit]

Toupees are stupid.
Toupees are ugly.
Toupees are for bald people.
Toupees are for stupid and ugly bald people.

Pictures of toupees[edit]

I don't know of any good toupee pictures out there, can someone put some here so that this page won't look so lame without some gorgeous images of artificial hair that bald people stick on their heads? Thanks.


External link(s)[edit]

TopLace CoolPiece HairDirect Hair Necessities Is there a toupee website? I dunno. If you do, then copy-and-paste the URL here so that this page won't seem so lame without a weblink that directs the reader to a kickass website that talks about and/or helps people to understand how to deal with artificial hair that bald people stick on their heads. Thanks.