Runescape random events
Runescape random events are an attempt at random humor that happens at 'random times' often affecting the player. Since too many 'freeloaders' were at RuneScape, the creators 'decided' to put this in.
These are random events that happen every 3 seconds, All Are taken from RuneScape. Beware, barely any of this shit is funny, and was very recently attacked by someone who thinks 'damn' should be replaced by ****. And, remember folks: Be funny and not just stupid.
Cabbage- ... nuff said.
Hooded Hamburger Man - He generally appears When your Character is on low health and offers you a hamburger. If you don't take it he turns out to be Chuck Norris and he round house pwns you. If you do accept it your character eats it and then it turns out to be from McDonalds, and your character instantly becomes fat. If you're wearing armor, you cant fit anymore and you explode.
Mysterious Old Man (AKA The lonely pedophile with an ass fetish) - He often appears when you're not looking, out of the nearest bush, where he has been staring at your ass for the past 20 minutes. If you talk to him, he will let you go, escaping ass rape, and give you some weak and useless random Runescape Weapons. If you ignore him, he will call forth his tentacle monster, which will rape the shit out of you. Sometimes, he will ask you nicely if he can rape you. If you say yes, his tentacle monster will ass rape you and will die and lose all your stuff, including your legs, which means your character won't be able to walk ever again. If you say no, you will get double ass rape and will result in Bob the cat deleting your account and charging you $5 a month for it.
Gower's Birthday Party - Every year on January 6th, Jagex will throw a party for Gower, which will result in the employees becoming stoned and deleting random accounts. At least 3000 people have committed suicide because of this.
Gower - Bans all players within a 10,000 pixel radius.
Kung Fug - A mad grue at first h1z f33t are liek n0!1 He has n0 feet. His combat levul iz 135!! If he would have feet, he would be on Combat Level 1.4. The feet form 80.99999...% of his combat and magic and herblore. Also, killing him results in an award. Though he is less deadlier than a grue. He is also found in UnQuest as a paid advertisment. Kung Fug is actually paid for both RuneScape and UnQuest. LOL!
Evil Chicken - An evil not to be tampered with. The Evil Chicken will appear out of freaking NOWHERE, start screaming at you, and casting sonic spells (A mixture of both). If you try to make friends with it, it'll lay an egg and throw it at you. Once the egg hits you, you'll break out in boils, you'll gain some features that of a frog's, and you'll get necrosis. In other words, don't try to make friends with it, don't try to fight it, just run away. Run away from EVERYTHING.
Genie - Gives you a free wish, which is often corrupted. Players often ask for 'k1ll d4t n00b n3xt t0 m3 pl0x', only to be turned into a n00b and put somewhere beside the spot they once stood. This results in instant death. The only way to escape this is to ask 'm0r3 g3n1es pl0x'. The genie will never come again. If you do not talk to him, you'll pass out and wake up somewhere on the other side of the planet with amnesia, deja vu and a brain tumor the size of your fist.
Zombie - A brain-dead sugar coated n00b that will beg you for 'fr3 br41nz pl0x'. If you do not give him your brain, the Zombie will eat you, and your family. If you do not talk to it, you will be pwned.
Thingymajiggyjobbersomethingorotherflobbadobbagummiwhatbobsymaflobsywhatsitthingy - This is when some unknown... err... thing comes and asks you to follow him. Don't do it, coz he's likely to walk into a pool of lava, or of a cliff, or even off the edge of the map into untold oblivion. But if you don't follow him, he follows you instead until you give in to his sheer persistency. When he follows you, I suggest you walk into a pit of lava, or a volcano, or anywhere potentially dangerous. He will follow you and die, but you will die too, and he will nab a chance to catch your stuff just before he dies. Just avoid him...
Sandwich Whore - The local prostitute who used to be a nice young woman who gave sandwhiches to poor people. However she decided that selling her body would be much better. She is half price on Saturdays. If you don't talk to her, she will shove her long hard breadstick inside you (really her latest vibrator). If you do, but say the wrong thing, she will kick you HARD!!! It's a special time in life to forget what everyone else says and watch your gonads, young man!
Lost Pirate - Appears out of nowhere when you are farming and asks if he can borrow your trowel to shove it up his bum. If you allow it, he does it right in front of you (which makes you sick) and he gives you back an infected trowel because he had anal fungus. If you ignore him, he kills you and you respawn finding he has stolen your penis. If you are a woman, he steals one of your boobs. If you don't have any... well I won't go into any more details. Just avoid him!!!
Andy Warhol - This disturbed artist will pop up from nowhere and repeatedly asks if you woould like to appear in a multicolour painting, or stand next to the Empire State Building while he films you for eight hours. He never leaves you alone, despite how many times you decline his offer. The only way to get rid of him is to tell him to "go have a heart attack." He then disintergrates into nothingness and you get to keep his heart.
Michael Jackson - Just hope to god you're not a kid. Teleports you to Neverland Ranch where he forces you to wear a sailors outfit and ride the "train". This results in all of your stats returning to 1 and extreme embarrassment after filing a lawsuit and all of your friends make fun of you for "hanging out" with him. The reward: You get to keep the sailors outfit.
Chuck Norris - While Runescape has not had this random event yet, there is a fearful legend that Chuck Norris will come and roundhouse kick every single noob on runescape causing instant character deletion. It is suspected that the effect will carry into real life and the victim will be instantly annihilated due to the sheer awesomeness at seeing even a pixellated version of Chuck Norris. Then he will charge you $80 for his shitty sneakers.
Leo - A mentally retarded grave digger, who lost his eyes in World War 2, when he fought one on one against Hitler. He won, though that doesn't compensate for his war stories. If you don't talk to him, he will not be happy. He often gets confused with who he's talking too because he's blind. He has been seen talking to trees, dust bins, a cow's ass, and several bewildered noobs who often kick him in the balls.
Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde - Appears out of nowhere and demands a Guano herb (or something like that) to keep him from turning into Hyde. If you don't give it to him because you haven't got it, he will give you a special potion anyway that makes you randy when you drink it, and run away. It is also the potion that turned him into Hyde, so if you drink it, well, congrats, you're yet another Jekyll/Hyde. If you ignore him all together, he will transform into Hyde and start to claw at you, occasionally screaming, "Nyeaaaarh!". You will, of course, kill him with ease, which is the best option. If you do give him the Guano herb, he'll drink it, thank you, and then transform into a pile of bat crap.
Drunken Dwarf - Will take you to the nearest pub. If you do not beat him in a drinking contest, he will engage in a bar brawl. Unfortunately he has drink-induced "1337 h4xx0r sk1llz n00b" and will "p00n j00r m0m c0s she iz a slut l0l!!1!!1!1" In addition to "p00ning" your Mum he will also steal your eyes. If you don't talk to him , he will be sad
Swarm - The most annoying thing ever. No matter where you are, no matter who you are, no matter what you're doing, the Swarm will some out and start to eat you alive. Insect repellent does not work, and will simply piss them off, making them deal more damage. The most damage a swarm has ever done to someone is 3 damage, obviously their maximum hit. They are invincible, as there is no way to attack them. Some have tried to examine them to death, and were eaten alive after around half an hour of being attacked. So, when you are attacked by a Swarm, you have no choice but to run.
Highway Man - Pulls you over and gives you tickets for walking too fast.
Molly - The lazy asshole wants you to catch her evil twin for her. She reminds you to 'take a good look at her' before going to work some weird claw machine in the other room. It seems to be one of those annoying toy grabbing games, only this time there are less toys, and the prizes move around. If you grab the wrong person, Molly will shoot you in the kneecap and yell at you. You get to try it one more time after failing once, leaving you with one leg. If you get it wrong twice, your character won't be able to walk for the next three years. If you get it right after getting it wrong once, your knee will instantly heal. Once you get it right, Molly will request you come back into her room. Surprisingly, she's still fully clothed. She gives you a bunch of noted gemstones and teleports you back to the place you once were at. The gems are usually three cut sapphires. Oh, joy!
Teleportation Glitch - Sometimes when you teleport, you will be sent to a strange area, with four slimy looking appendages. One has an eye, of which you have to poke (until it explodes in a gory mess) in order to get to where you teleported. Not to be confused with the teleportation glitch where your character teleported, only to discover he now has no pants. You will be soon banned for obscenity.
Niles, Miles, and Giles - The retired, retarded bankers. They'll show you a spade, and ask you what it is. If you are stupid, you will likely answer 'fish', or 'boot'. They may believe you, as they lack most of their brains. If you ignore them, they'll hit you over the head with their briefcase full of cocaine and money, and steal your hair for their secret toupe stash.
Popup #2735404235 (popup of DOOOOM!) - Enters your screen, causing all of the servers to crash. This evil beast is hated by people everywhere. For popup #2735404234, see below.
popup #2735404234 This popup emits a high energy beam, causing your player to melt to the ground. Added when the Jagex crew had been doing a wild party, and had a few slammers.
n00b Begs for items and will always follow you. If you log out he waits and if you teleport he's already there waiting for you. The only way to get rid of him is to go out and get a life. They usually have random names, like Mehastogeta123life, Mesrl*yzezima, 15530 29, 1 000, 3 000, 5 000, 2 1038, ###3, N3wb pur3, +++---13, and all those other names that those moms in Las Vegas sends you in e-mail.
Zezima The most feared of all randoms, he logs in by you and calls you a noob. The only way of destroying him is to call him a nolifer. He then screams and falls to the ground. Sometimes he loses a Phat or a skillcape to you. Someone caught Zezima on video after the truth was reveled to him.
Cheese A piece of random cheese will pop up and duplicate itself into millions. It will then shove all duplicates in your mouth and cause your account to be permanently constipated so your ass will blow up.
Hitler Shows up every few days to trick people off the edge of the Runscape map, into Naziland. The player is sucked into Runescape, and is indoctrinated to Nazism, as part of Hitler's master plan, to conquer Runescape. Sieg heil!
River Toll When you get this, you might think, "Wow, a little n00b holding a hockey stick asking for a fee to use this lousy piece of H2o? I'm gonna pwn it!". Unfortunately, encountering this event will result in instant account deletion and sending all of your credit card money to Jagex(if you are stupid enough to be a member). However, if you have watched Harry Potter and the Tormenter's Grub, you will be setenced to a lighter punishment of having your account suspended for ONLY 200 years.
This random event only appears when you kill off around 300 crocodiles. Good 'ol Steve will start to scold and lecture you for around 30 seconds before attacking you with his crocodile poking stick. If you do not have a special weapon, the Sea Pancake, you will not be able to fight off Mr. Irwin, and you are, indeed, screwed. Unless you run, of course, like you would from any other monster that would otherwise completely destroy you. Steve is level 5, and deals 10 damage each time he hits, which makes you feel worthless, because you're getting owned by a newbie. The Sea Pancake deals 80 damage to Steve, which is way more than enough to kill him, so he instantly dies. Remember, kiddies: When you go out to kill crocs, bring the Sea Pancake.
He's level 1000. He'll kill you if you don't give your weapon. and then he'll kill you with it.