Rupert Brooke

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“All the world's a stage, the play is badly cast except for you!”

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Rupert Brooke (August 3, 1887 - disappeared July 28, 1914) was the most notorious English thief of the late-19th and early-20th century. He employed seduction as his modus operandi and always leaves a poem in place of the items he stole. George Bernard Shaw claimed that Rupert Brooke stole his beard, and Bosie Douglas was said to have swooned just hearing his name spoken, and therefore surrendering all his Oscar Wilde related souvenirs.

Rupert Brooke disappeared from public records in 1914, no one has heard of him since. There was a rumor that he fought in World War I, but the British War Office has not confirmed it. A persistent rumor that he became a hypnotist has surfaced every decade since his disappearance. An expedition in 2007 into the wilderness of Paris to search for him has not yet returned.

He has a cult which believes him to be an reincarnation of Apollo. Or at least, Hermes.


Born to a giantess mother, Ruth Mary, and a muggle man, in midst of Rugby, Grantchester, England, Rupert Brooke was thought to be a girl until Virginia Woolf visited, and accidentally dumped him into cold water. He was fourteen at the time.

Resuming his manly garbs, he went on to Cambridge to read Classics. There he consorted with the Apostles, who were notorious for practising mind-control, a new technology at the time.


Having grown into an astoundingly handsome young man whom people often confuse with Shelley's ghost when he wondered around Oxford, Rupert Brooke realised that he could have whatever and whoever he wished for the asking.

He stole many hearts, though none literally. People who had their hearts stolen by him included: Winston Churchill, Sigmund Freud, and Mary, Queen of Scots.

Nevertheless, he grew bored and set his sight on even bigger things. His most notorious theft is that of the Elizabethan Jokebook, which had been under heavy security in the British Museum. The book purportedly explained all the sacred mysteries of life and death and sheets, and contained the diary of The William Shakespeare.

He also stole the Reading Room of the British Libary, just for a lark, and replaced it with an aquarium. He left the poem "The Fish" on a statue of Aphrodite.


Due to influence by W.B. Yeats, who was called "The Magician" in the underground of London, Rupert began to write poetry that took on a distinctively mystical tone. He called himself "The Great Lover" and started a revolution in which Helen of Troy is portrayed as a wrinkled nag.


At the outbreak of World War I, Rupert Brooke was under the direct employment of Winston Churchill, King of England as a spy. He left England in 1913, and never returned.

Some say that he was caught in a duel with Alcibiades after accidentally walking into the TARDIS, and stealing it, and is now trapped in Ancient Greece in the role of Comus.

Excavations of the Acropolis have uncovered a stone with the words, in Greek: "If I should die, think only this of me, I shall come back and get you." Carbon dating revealed it to be over two thousand years old.